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Alpha Climber Reaches New Heights Of Self-Congratulations After One-Upping Friends

Sam Rooney flexes nuts over his vanquished bros, terrifying and arousing a Mormon church group. Sam Morse photo. 

SKI TOWN, USA — Bouldering bros were emasculated Wednesday after 28-year-old river rat, town gigolo and backcountry sharting survivor Sam Rooney easily on-sited a V4 boulder problem the boys had spent “the entire afternoon working on.” Dejected and feeling like “total pussies,” the two have sworn off climbing since the incident, crediting Rooney’s superlative manliness with making them question their own self worth.

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Locals Ian McDonald, 22, and Andreas DeGraeve, 20, had been bouldering for over 3 1/2 hours before the older, more seasoned climber arrived. According to eyewitnesses, the two young bucks tried to impress their senior cohort by describing the “sick route” they’d climbed the day before. But their hopes of impressing the alpha were quickly shot down when Rooney — one-upping the boys — detailed a much harder route that he’d sent, deeming their exploits inferior.

After verbally establishing dominance and flexing nuts all over the younger climbers, Rooney reportedly did several complex yoga poses while chanting Tibetan hymns to “get centered” for his bouldering workout. He then proceeded to rub chalk all over his body, then easily dispatch the V4 stumper with what he deemed "barely any effort."

"Not to say I'm better at climbing than those guys — I mean, I am — but I send harder shit than that all the time," he told TGR.

When he sent that V4 right away, I felt like such a little bitch — it made me sad.

According to family and friends of the now-impotent younger climbers, both have sunk into debilitating depression — exhibiting antisocial behavior — and are abusing marijuana and Netflix to cope with the shame of their failure. 

“His grunts were so raw and powerful,” a crestfallen DeGraeve said during a Skype interview. “When he sent that V4 right away, I felt like such a little bitch — it made me sad.”

After cementing his dominance, police reports indicate Rooney offended an entire Mormon wedding party holding a reception nearby with his celebratory dancing, pelvic thrusting, shirt ripping — and loud, primal man-screams of “I CAAHHHHMMMMM!!!”

Wedding guests confirmed that the dominance display was disturbing — but also, oddly arousing.

From The Column: The Bumion

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