Editor's Note: This issue of The Bumion was guest-edited by previous tetongravity.com Content Manager and perennial armchair shit-talker Ryan Dunfee.
Wally the Dog contemplates retirement while nursing a pint of extra-chunky. @goldenretrieverbailey Instagram photo.
MOUNTAIN TOWN, USA — Wally the dog called it quits Monday after a storied ski patrol career that lasted upwards of 50 dog years, over the course of which the heroic beast recovered over a dozen avalanche victims and ate roughly 5,000 servings of leftover lodge fries.
Citing terrible hip pain and a host of other health issues related to his breed, 65-dog-year-old Wally the “Good Boi” Retriever told TGR in an exclusive interview he’ll miss patrolling, but that he’s also excited to finally get a chance to do normal dog stuff, like chasing cars and licking his own nuts.
“I started sniffin’ for patrol early,” Wally said while sprawling out to receive a tummy rub from a TGR correspondent. “But these days, all these young pups are comin' up so quick; an old beast like me’s barely got a chance. For most of my life, I was too busy saving people to do anything normal — I didn’t even have time to eat my own poo.”
But despite putting a positive spin on his retirement, Wally also indicated that it’s gotten tougher being a dog in a ski town, identifying the high cost of housing, the bad beast-to-bitch ratio and the competition with younger trust-fund huskies as particular sources of frustration.
The price to rent a dog house has gone through the roof, and I can’t even find another golden to breed with.
“My bad hip’s got me hooked on doggy meds,” the jaded, yet plucky golden said while licking up a pint of extra-chunky peanut butter. “The price to rent a dog house has gone through the roof, and I can’t even find another golden to breed with. Plus, you got all these young, privileged pups coming in from Boston and San Francisco looking to take my job and housing — it’s enough to make me want to run away from home.”
Quickly losing interest after smelling something stinky, Wally concluded the interview by rolling around in a pile of his owner’s fresh laundry, soiling it with dog hair and mud before falling into a catatonic nap.
From The Column: The Bumion
Drawing from his background in fine art, artist Casey Underwood brings an incredible level of detail and craftsmanship to the outdoor industry. Casey Underwood photo. It’s a classic post-grad move: get your diploma, pack your bags, and go see the world. For artist Casey Underwood, this gap year rite of passage was an opportunity to explore the American West. There wasn’t much of a set agenda, except to fly fish in as many rivers he could find. His station wagon served as a makeshift home
Designer and artist Peter Forsythe carved out a unique niche in the rock and roll industry, designing t-shirts for some of the most prolific bands. Peter Forsythe photo. We’ve all been asked this same question: What do you want to be when you grow up? For Peter Forsythe, the answer came to him at his first Grateful Dead show in 1981. The music, the culture, and community fascinated him, and more importantly, as a fledgling artist, he saw other artists making a living by selling their
Looking to upgrade your winter quiver? Here’s your chance to win some incredible boards and skis while fighting racial injustice. Your favorite riders and skiers are auctioning off an impressive selection of gear to support the Black Organizing Project (BOP), a grassroots-led group based in Oakland, California. The organization is a black member-led group that aims to find racial, social, and economic justice through community-building efforts in Oakland, California. Each donation made