Editor's Note: This issue of The Bumion was guest-edited by previous tetongravity.com Content Manager and perennial armchair shit-talker Ryan Dunfee.
Wally the Dog contemplates retirement while nursing a pint of extra-chunky. @goldenretrieverbailey Instagram photo.
MOUNTAIN TOWN, USA — Wally the dog called it quits Monday after a storied ski patrol career that lasted upwards of 50 dog years, over the course of which the heroic beast recovered over a dozen avalanche victims and ate roughly 5,000 servings of leftover lodge fries.
Citing terrible hip pain and a host of other health issues related to his breed, 65-dog-year-old Wally the “Good Boi” Retriever told TGR in an exclusive interview he’ll miss patrolling, but that he’s also excited to finally get a chance to do normal dog stuff, like chasing cars and licking his own nuts.
“I started sniffin’ for patrol early,” Wally said while sprawling out to receive a tummy rub from a TGR correspondent. “But these days, all these young pups are comin' up so quick; an old beast like me’s barely got a chance. For most of my life, I was too busy saving people to do anything normal — I didn’t even have time to eat my own poo.”
But despite putting a positive spin on his retirement, Wally also indicated that it’s gotten tougher being a dog in a ski town, identifying the high cost of housing, the bad beast-to-bitch ratio and the competition with younger trust-fund huskies as particular sources of frustration.
The price to rent a dog house has gone through the roof, and I can’t even find another golden to breed with.
“My bad hip’s got me hooked on doggy meds,” the jaded, yet plucky golden said while licking up a pint of extra-chunky peanut butter. “The price to rent a dog house has gone through the roof, and I can’t even find another golden to breed with. Plus, you got all these young, privileged pups coming in from Boston and San Francisco looking to take my job and housing — it’s enough to make me want to run away from home.”
Quickly losing interest after smelling something stinky, Wally concluded the interview by rolling around in a pile of his owner’s fresh laundry, soiling it with dog hair and mud before falling into a catatonic nap.
From The Column: The Bumion
MOUNTAIN TOWN, USA — A part-time lift mechanic lost a high-stakes ski town custody battle Thursday when a judge ordered him to yield custody of his 14-foot raft and his adorable Swiss Mountain dog, Piper. As part of the ruling, river rat Sam Rooney, 29, was ordered to surrender the boat and beast to ex-girlfriend Monica Lily, 27, by the end of the month. Despite getting the dog together, Lily was granted full custody of Piper, while Rooney was ordered to pay monthly puppy support. RELATED:
TREBLE CONE, New Zealand — An American couple on ski holiday in New Zealand nearly broke up Wednesday after a fight erupted over the impressive size and girth of a random stranger’s powder turns. The argument occurred as Mary Ellis, 28, and her 29-year-old boyfriend, Matt Partridge, were riding up a quad chairlift at New Zealand’s Treble Cone Ski Area when she offhandedly complimented another skiers “technique.” RELATED: Does The Size of My Boyfriend's Skis Matter? “Some random skier was
The last solar eclipse whose path of totality stretched across the continental U.S. was in 1923. That’s almost 100 years ago, so it’s no wonder everyone is losing their minds over the upcoming eclipse on August 21st. Towns in the path of totality are stocking up on basic supplies like they’re preparing for the end of the world. Here at TGR, our hometown is about to be flooded with up to 100,000 extra tourists: every single hotel room is booked, our traffic is gridlocked, and our airport