Editor's Note: This issue of The Bumion was guest-edited by previous tetongravity.com Content Manager and perennial armchair shit-talker Ryan Dunfee.
Wally the Dog contemplates retirement while nursing a pint of extra-chunky. @goldenretrieverbailey Instagram photo.
MOUNTAIN TOWN, USA — Wally the dog called it quits Monday after a storied ski patrol career that lasted upwards of 50 dog years, over the course of which the heroic beast recovered over a dozen avalanche victims and ate roughly 5,000 servings of leftover lodge fries.
Citing terrible hip pain and a host of other health issues related to his breed, 65-dog-year-old Wally the “Good Boi” Retriever told TGR in an exclusive interview he’ll miss patrolling, but that he’s also excited to finally get a chance to do normal dog stuff, like chasing cars and licking his own nuts.
“I started sniffin’ for patrol early,” Wally said while sprawling out to receive a tummy rub from a TGR correspondent. “But these days, all these young pups are comin' up so quick; an old beast like me’s barely got a chance. For most of my life, I was too busy saving people to do anything normal — I didn’t even have time to eat my own poo.”
But despite putting a positive spin on his retirement, Wally also indicated that it’s gotten tougher being a dog in a ski town, identifying the high cost of housing, the bad beast-to-bitch ratio and the competition with younger trust-fund huskies as particular sources of frustration.
The price to rent a dog house has gone through the roof, and I can’t even find another golden to breed with.
“My bad hip’s got me hooked on doggy meds,” the jaded, yet plucky golden said while licking up a pint of extra-chunky peanut butter. “The price to rent a dog house has gone through the roof, and I can’t even find another golden to breed with. Plus, you got all these young, privileged pups coming in from Boston and San Francisco looking to take my job and housing — it’s enough to make me want to run away from home.”
Quickly losing interest after smelling something stinky, Wally concluded the interview by rolling around in a pile of his owner’s fresh laundry, soiling it with dog hair and mud before falling into a catatonic nap.
From The Column: The Bumion
MTN. TOWN, USA — Saying conditions were never this good when skiing was still allowed, snowboarders rejoiced this week after locals-favorite Epic Mountain Resort formally banned skiing. Although the ban has only been in effect since Wednesday, riders have been astonished at the rapidly improving conditions on-and-off trail. Epic Mountain Snowboard Patroller Luke Wallace says he's never seen the mountain look this good. RELATED: Tahoe To Build Wall — Says Reno Must Pay "The moguls were gone
The unknowns, the underrated, the undiscovered: Everyone knows those people. The local kid who skis better than you, your mom, your brother-in-law, your best friend from high school and most pros. They are the ones that make you wonder how the whole system works. How is it that someone that good isn’t gracing the cover of every magazine, getting the ending part of every ski movie, or at the very least just getting paid to ski? Maybe it’s because there’s no singular path to “going pro," no
“Duck!” my partner, Ben, told me as he tightened the rope that connected us. I buried my head into my chest as a waterfall of heavy, cold snow cascaded around me. It collected everywhere there was space: in between my sunglasses, down my jacket, and in my helmet. "Is this what a river rock feels like as water flows undisturbed by its presence?” I thought to myself as I waited for it to end.My existence on this wall of ice on the final pitch of the Chevy Couloir on the Grand Teton was