Editor's Note: This issue of The Bumion was guest-edited by previous tetongravity.com Content Manager and perennial armchair shit-talker Ryan Dunfee.
Wally the Dog contemplates retirement while nursing a pint of extra-chunky. @goldenretrieverbailey Instagram photo.
MOUNTAIN TOWN, USA — Wally the dog called it quits Monday after a storied ski patrol career that lasted upwards of 50 dog years, over the course of which the heroic beast recovered over a dozen avalanche victims and ate roughly 5,000 servings of leftover lodge fries.
Citing terrible hip pain and a host of other health issues related to his breed, 65-dog-year-old Wally the “Good Boi” Retriever told TGR in an exclusive interview he’ll miss patrolling, but that he’s also excited to finally get a chance to do normal dog stuff, like chasing cars and licking his own nuts.
“I started sniffin’ for patrol early,” Wally said while sprawling out to receive a tummy rub from a TGR correspondent. “But these days, all these young pups are comin' up so quick; an old beast like me’s barely got a chance. For most of my life, I was too busy saving people to do anything normal — I didn’t even have time to eat my own poo.”
But despite putting a positive spin on his retirement, Wally also indicated that it’s gotten tougher being a dog in a ski town, identifying the high cost of housing, the bad beast-to-bitch ratio and the competition with younger trust-fund huskies as particular sources of frustration.
The price to rent a dog house has gone through the roof, and I can’t even find another golden to breed with.
“My bad hip’s got me hooked on doggy meds,” the jaded, yet plucky golden said while licking up a pint of extra-chunky peanut butter. “The price to rent a dog house has gone through the roof, and I can’t even find another golden to breed with. Plus, you got all these young, privileged pups coming in from Boston and San Francisco looking to take my job and housing — it’s enough to make me want to run away from home.”
Quickly losing interest after smelling something stinky, Wally concluded the interview by rolling around in a pile of his owner’s fresh laundry, soiling it with dog hair and mud before falling into a catatonic nap.
From The Column: The Bumion
MOUNTAIN TOWN, USA — A snowboarder’s morale was crushed Friday morning after discovering that his local hill’s powder snow report was completely out of touch with actual snow conditions on the ground. Promising 14 inches of “blower” off-piste and “packed powder” everywhere else, the Marmot Mountain snow report eventually convinced 31-year-old rider Sam Rooney to get out of bed and rally for early turns, despite seeing sheets of rain falling outside his low-elevation residence. RELATED:
There are a myriad of ways to get what you want, and in a ski town one’s coffers can include much more than the traditional dollar. Knowing what you’ve got, and identifying what others are bringing to the table, can go a long way toward “making it”. Below are a couple of categories in which one could be rich:1. Social Currency Are you the hot (literally) new thing? Or maybe the most fun, drunk guy at the bar? These things can get one far, but certainly not all the way, and unfortunately
JACKSON, Wyo. — Saying he’s done wasting time and is ready to devote his entire winter season to ripping pow, 4-year-old toddler dirtbag Caden Henry officially dropped out of preschool Monday so he could move to Jackson Hole and finally have the winter of a lifetime he's been waiting a whole year since learning to ski to enjoy. Instead of spending the winter coloring, learning the ABC’s and counting to 10, the grom plans to chase storms around the Tetons while living out of his retrofitted