Editor's Note: This issue of The Bumion was guest-edited by previous tetongravity.com Content Manager and perennial armchair shit-talker Ryan Dunfee.
Wally the Dog contemplates retirement while nursing a pint of extra-chunky. @goldenretrieverbailey Instagram photo.
MOUNTAIN TOWN, USA — Wally the dog called it quits Monday after a storied ski patrol career that lasted upwards of 50 dog years, over the course of which the heroic beast recovered over a dozen avalanche victims and ate roughly 5,000 servings of leftover lodge fries.
Citing terrible hip pain and a host of other health issues related to his breed, 65-dog-year-old Wally the “Good Boi” Retriever told TGR in an exclusive interview he’ll miss patrolling, but that he’s also excited to finally get a chance to do normal dog stuff, like chasing cars and licking his own nuts.
“I started sniffin’ for patrol early,” Wally said while sprawling out to receive a tummy rub from a TGR correspondent. “But these days, all these young pups are comin' up so quick; an old beast like me’s barely got a chance. For most of my life, I was too busy saving people to do anything normal — I didn’t even have time to eat my own poo.”
But despite putting a positive spin on his retirement, Wally also indicated that it’s gotten tougher being a dog in a ski town, identifying the high cost of housing, the bad beast-to-bitch ratio and the competition with younger trust-fund huskies as particular sources of frustration.
The price to rent a dog house has gone through the roof, and I can’t even find another golden to breed with.
“My bad hip’s got me hooked on doggy meds,” the jaded, yet plucky golden said while licking up a pint of extra-chunky peanut butter. “The price to rent a dog house has gone through the roof, and I can’t even find another golden to breed with. Plus, you got all these young, privileged pups coming in from Boston and San Francisco looking to take my job and housing — it’s enough to make me want to run away from home.”
Quickly losing interest after smelling something stinky, Wally concluded the interview by rolling around in a pile of his owner’s fresh laundry, soiling it with dog hair and mud before falling into a catatonic nap.
From The Column: The Bumion
SALT LAKE CITY, UTAH - President Trump has announced that he will dramatically scale back both Bears Ears and Grand Staircase-Escalante National Monuments, both of which were designated under the 1906 Antiquities Act by President Obama. This move will be the largest reduction of the protection of public lands in U.S. history. It will shrink Bears Ears by more than 1.1 million acres and Grand Staircase-Escalante by more than 800,000 acres. Trump's decision will shrink Bears Ears and Grand
A few weeks ago, I spent several days exploring an area of southern Utah I thought I was already intimately familiar with: Bears Ears National Monument. Patagonia had invited several members of the outdoor community to see for themselves what stood at risk in this absurdly beautiful part of the world. We rock climbed in Indian Creek, we rode mountain bikes in Lockhart Basin, we visited Native American cultural sites all over, but most of all, we learned that those activities stand to be lost
President Trump announced on Monday that Bears Ears and Grand Staircase-Escalante National Monuments would be reduced by a total of 2 million acres, with control of that land going back to the state of Utah, which could then potentially sell or lease it to the highest bidder. Conservationists, Native Americans, and much of the outdoor industry lost their collective minds, with Patagonia going so far as to change their homepage to an all black background with a grim announcement,