Editor's Note: This issue of The Bumion was guest-edited by previous tetongravity.com Content Manager and perennial armchair shit-talker Ryan Dunfee.
Wally the Dog contemplates retirement while nursing a pint of extra-chunky. @goldenretrieverbailey Instagram photo.
MOUNTAIN TOWN, USA — Wally the dog called it quits Monday after a storied ski patrol career that lasted upwards of 50 dog years, over the course of which the heroic beast recovered over a dozen avalanche victims and ate roughly 5,000 servings of leftover lodge fries.
Citing terrible hip pain and a host of other health issues related to his breed, 65-dog-year-old Wally the “Good Boi” Retriever told TGR in an exclusive interview he’ll miss patrolling, but that he’s also excited to finally get a chance to do normal dog stuff, like chasing cars and licking his own nuts.
“I started sniffin’ for patrol early,” Wally said while sprawling out to receive a tummy rub from a TGR correspondent. “But these days, all these young pups are comin' up so quick; an old beast like me’s barely got a chance. For most of my life, I was too busy saving people to do anything normal — I didn’t even have time to eat my own poo.”
But despite putting a positive spin on his retirement, Wally also indicated that it’s gotten tougher being a dog in a ski town, identifying the high cost of housing, the bad beast-to-bitch ratio and the competition with younger trust-fund huskies as particular sources of frustration.
The price to rent a dog house has gone through the roof, and I can’t even find another golden to breed with.
“My bad hip’s got me hooked on doggy meds,” the jaded, yet plucky golden said while licking up a pint of extra-chunky peanut butter. “The price to rent a dog house has gone through the roof, and I can’t even find another golden to breed with. Plus, you got all these young, privileged pups coming in from Boston and San Francisco looking to take my job and housing — it’s enough to make me want to run away from home.”
Quickly losing interest after smelling something stinky, Wally concluded the interview by rolling around in a pile of his owner’s fresh laundry, soiling it with dog hair and mud before falling into a catatonic nap.
From The Column: The Bumion
As fall fades and snow paints the landscape, countless mountain folk begin to feel the existential tug of winter. But there’s one type of outdoor enthusiast who’s commitment trumps all the rest. Masters of the art of discomfort, these individuals are known by many names: vagrant, gypsy, transient, bohemian, but most of the time, these restless wanderers prefer their given moniker: The Dirtbag. Styling out destitution like a badge of honor, poverty hasn’t looked this good since the Buddha
Zac Efron's dream of becoming a pro-skier is temporarily on hold. While we don't actually have any evidence that he has (had?) aspirations of becoming a pro, who wouldn't want to ski for a living? Either way, the Wildcats' team captain is sadly laid up following an ACL tear. While in Park City for the Sundance Film Festival, Efron went on a guided-catskiing tour which ended in injury. Don't worry Zac, the TGR crew feels your pain and would like you to know that we're all in this together.
Those living at the fringes of the American Dream are most likely to shake up the system. And those that live to ski are decidedly living at the fringes of the American Dream. Jason Levinthal, founder of Line Skis and former CEO of Full Tilt boots, undoubtedly lives to ski. Levinthal’s dossier is, in a word, stacked: X Games athlete and medalist; twin-tip pioneer; veteran of the ski industry trenches; serial entrepreneur. But most importantly, like any self-starter with a nose for success,