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Woman Dumps Freeloader Boyfriend For Unemployed, Messy Companion

Lauren Bennet gets some puppy love from her furry, unemployed border collie squeeze. Sam Morse photo.

SKI TOWN, USA — Hearts were broken and unemployment calls were made Wednesday after 29-year-old Jackson local Lauren Bennet dumped her “freeloader” boyfriend for the love of an adorable collie pup. Bennet’s decision came after "four shitty months" of dating unemployed ski bro Chad Bouchedag, 26, who, according to Bennet’s friends “was a total piece of shit.”

Reflecting on her newly found freedom, Bennet said that since her breakup, she’s had more time to do everything she loves — and since she’s not paying for two — more money to do it.

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“I’m so over that guy,” Bennet told TGR via Skype. “He just completely mooched off me for four months. I bought him a ski pass, he never paid rent or had gas money — somehow he always had cash for weed and booze, but that’s about it. Whenever we’d go to the bar, he’d actually have me pretend to be single so other guys would buy my drinks — what a douche, right?”

Despite the financial strain Bouchedag put on the relationship, Bennet insisted that her ex’s “shameless” behavior was chiefly responsible for the breakup.

“But fuck the money, he was just an asshole!” Bennet explained. “He was always too hungover to ride pow, he’d eat my food — and he sucked in bed. I’m over it! 

Bennet told TGR that all her free time has been filled hanging out with her lovable border collie, Jackson. 

"Now it’s just me and my dog,” she said. "It's like all the best parts of having a boyfriend, but none of the bullshit. My pup's a great snuggler, he's always stoked to play outside, and he doesn't blow bong rips in my face. Yeah he's unemployed, but he's a dog, not a grown man." 

In the interim, Bouchedag has taken up “rescuing wounded soldiers” at bars and stealing WiFi to compulsively watch Pornhub videos while crying. He is reportedly still single.

Attempts to reach Bouchedag for his side of the breakup were initially unsuccessful, but minutes before press time, the scorned bro reached out to TGR by means of collect call, which was begrudgingly accepted. He asserted the breakup has “forced him to look in the mirror and develop as an individual.”

“Getting dumped has made me grow up,” Bouchedag confessed. “At first, I thought about getting a job or something, but that still seemed like a lot of work, so I applied for unemployment instead ... we’ll see.”

In the interim, Bouchedag told TGR that he's taken up “rescuing wounded soldiers” at bars and stealing WiFi to compulsively watch Pornhub videos while crying. He is reportedly still single. 

From The Column: The Bumion

About The Author

stash member Sam Morse

TGR Editor-at-Large. author of The Ski Town Fairytale and creative behind The Bumion. Lover of steep-and-deep lines, long trails—and hot springs waiting in the distance.

did just read that? even the dog in the picture looks bored.

If he was bad in bed. No money. Lowlife.  Why did she stick around for 4 months?  Makes no sense