MOUNTAIN TOWN, USA — After 23 years of conducting gravitational research in the Tetons and around the world, Teton Gravity Research released preliminary findings Monday concluding that its athletes and other action-sport enthusiasts are still being pulled down by the mysterious force.
“The research will continue for the foreseeable future—as long as it takes—until we have conclusive answers,” a TGR press release states.
Schroder Ripper, 29, a TGR athlete and pro skier who’s helped the company’s researchers probe the cosmic anomaly since 2011, says that despite hucking cliffs and “getting sendy” for a majority of his adult life, he’s still confounded by the Earth’s gravitational pull.
The research will continue for the foreseeable future—as long as it takes—until we have conclusive answers.
“I’m fucking stumped!” Ripper told TGR over the phone, the sound of a bubbler ripping in the background. “I think that, as hard as gravity researches us, we need need to research it harder...Know what I mean, bruh?”
Lead researcher and physicist Dr. Sheila Grant, PhD, says in the report that her team continues to fight tirelessly to learn more about gravitational pull, the laws of attraction, and why skiers and snowboarders go down—toward the Earth—when they ski off a cliff.
“The TGR field science team won’t rest until we crack this,” Grant said during a follow-up call. “Nevermind that Henry Cavendish first tested Newton’s Law of Universal Gravitation in 1798. The fuck did he know? My team still has questions that need answering.”
From The Column: The Bumion
Wikimedia Commons Photo. For some puritans, ski bums don’t have jobs so they can maximize their powder turns and go out drinking every night. For many mere mortals, however, the cost of living in a ski town makes getting a job during the season a necessity. Most ski bums usually look towards working at the local resort because it guarantees a free ski pass and you can crush gondola laps during breaks. After spending a season working at Steamboat Resort in Colorado and living in employee
A Mega Pass holder double takes the promising terrain of your local ski area. MOUNTAIN TOWN, USA — Despite the unseasonably warm conditions across most of the US, on Friday a pow-hungry Mega Pass holder in Salt Lake City began planning his mid-winter interstate powder pillage. First on the hit list? Your home mountain. Epic Resorts’ Mega Pass—a younger sibling to the now-infamous Stoke Pass—allows access to over 30 domestic and international ski and snowboard destinations. Both passes
Alex Honnold mid-climb during his free solo ascent of Yosemite's El Capitan. Jimmy Chin/National Geographic photo. After winning the Academy Award for Best Documentary earlier this year, Jimmy Chin and Elizabeth Chai Vasarhelyi’s film won seven Emmy Awards this weekend. The film won for outstanding directing for a documentary/nonfiction program, outstanding cinematography, sound editing, sound mixing, picture editing, music composition and best achievement in interactive media. For