tags:
Teton Pass, Wilson, WY, United States |
the bumion |tgr satire |tgr news |ski bum poops his pants |shitting yourself in the backcountry |shitting yourself |sharting |sam rooney |mount glory accident |mount glory
Seconds after the fateful sharting, Rooney suffers a complete psychological breakdown on Mount Glory. Sam Morse photo.
A local Jackson snowboarder was reported to have shit his pants Wednesday while hiking up the Mount Glory bootpack.
In a scene that witnesses called “sad” and “disgusting,” 29-year-old Samuel Rooney hit rock bottom when at approximately 10:57 a.m., the mountain town regular found himself beginning to suffer gastrointestinal issues roughly halfway up the Mount Glory bootpack. According to reports, the unassuming Roonie forged ahead, ignoring the persistent pangs of digestive unease.
RELATED: Ex Ski Bum, Now In Real Job, Questions Point Of Career, Adulthood
However, disaster struck when, nearly at the summit, Rooney attempted to relieve some of the backed up pressure with a loud fart. In an interview with TGR after the incident, Rooney confirmed that he was just trying to “pass a little gas” to let up some of the bloating that had consolidated in his gut. But the messy disaster that ensued under the Mount Glory billboard was worse than anyone could have predicted.
It was probably the saddest thing I’ve ever witnessed — the sobbing and blubbering was terrible — I’m haunted still.
Backcountry bystanders, including TGR correspondents who witnessed the incident, reported finding Rooney lying on the snowpack crying and wailing at the horror of his self-defilement. “It was probably the saddest thing I’ve ever witnessed — the sobbing and blubbering was terrible — I’m haunted still,” said TGR intern Pyper Dixon. “I’ve never seen a grown man that upset before.”
“I knew I shouldn’t have done 5-star spicy at Thai Plate last night,” Rooney choked out right after the fateful soiling. “I was just trying to pass a little gas, but by the time I realized what was happening — that I was sharting myself — it was already too late.”
Even with poopy pants, Rooney sends off the cornice! Sam Morse photo.
Upon collecting himself — his pants still poopy — the snowboarder wondered aloud what would come next.
“What the fuck do I do now?” Rooney screamed at the cruel, heartless universe. “I’ve got 1,700 vertical of pow to shred, but I’ve shit myself. I get that it’s a first-world problem, but this is maybe the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.”
After crying and laying in his own filth for over an hour, reports confirmed that the broken bro managed to “get his shit together” and ride down the Twin Slides run.
From The Column: The Bumion
Magic Carpet Replaces Tram, Locals Are Pissed
Retired Ski Patrol Dog Seeks New Meaning, Purpose
Goat Becomes Latest Victim in Trademark Lawsuit
Mega Pass Holder Can’t Wait to Ski Your…
Whistleblower Alleges Marketing Director Shoveled…
Why I Gave Up Everything (Except My Trust Fund) to…
‘Gravity Still Pulling Down’ TGR Study Finds
Adopt a Dirtbag® Campaign Unveiled by Epic Resorts
Kid On Leash Slowly Building Need For Lifelong…
Epic Resorts Adds Everest to 2020 Ski Pass
‘Flaming Land Shark’ Discovered in Grand…
How To Talk With Your Family About Peter Pan…
Mom Says ‘F**k It,’ Reveals Kids’ Dirtbaggery at…
Ex Ski Bum Questions Point Of Career, Adulthood
NPS says “F&#k It,” renames iconic park…
TGR Uncovers Ski School Admissions Scandal
Dog Wishes Mom Would Hurry the F*** Up and Drop In…
Hot Tub Poacher Brought Down After Interstate…
Bromance Deepens During Wild Angling Mission
River Rat Spotted Bathing In Ski Town Waterway
About The Author
stash member Sam Morse
TGR Editor-at-Large. author of The Ski Town Fairytale and creative behind The Bumion. Lover of steep-and-deep lines, long trails—and hot springs waiting in the distance.