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Mega Pass Holder Can’t Wait to Ski Your Mountain

A Mega Pass holder double takes the promising terrain of your local ski area. 

MOUNTAIN TOWN, USA — Despite the unseasonably warm conditions across most of the US, on Friday a pow-hungry Mega Pass holder in Salt Lake City began planning his mid-winter interstate powder pillage. First on the hit list? Your home mountain.

Epic Resorts’ Mega Pass—a younger sibling to the now-infamous Stoke Pass—allows access to over 30 domestic and international ski and snowboard destinations. Both passes have been lauded as a good thing for the ski industry and a blessing for skiers and riders landlocked in flyover country. 

But over the past two winters, disenchanted locals from Aspen to Jackson Hole to Niseko have grumbled loudly about the Epic Resort pass offerings.

Locals, if you're reading this, just know that I don't give a f*ck! I'm coming for your powder. I'm going to stay at an AirBnB that screws up your town's affordable housing. After I cut up your pow stashes, I won't tip you at the bar. I'm going to bootpack up your skin track after the resort closes, too. And afterwards, I'll definitely be poaching your hot tub, and hopefully, your ex.

Long lines, increased prices and crowded commutes are but a few of the headaches now frequently endured by the complainant alpha resort communities.

“Don’t hate the player, hate the game,” Salt Lake City-resident and Mega Pass holder Danny McGaper told TGR. “Sure, there are places I can go ski in the Wasatch, but c’mon, we all know the Wasatch are just a poor man’s Tetons. Why hit Brighton or Solitude when my pass gets me two days at Jackson Hole? I'm hungry for new terrain, zones and stashes—and sorry, not sorry—I don't give a sh*t that you consider them under your territorial dominion." 

“Just a quick drive north,” he continued, “and I too can live the dream—in a long-ass tram line, surrounded by drunken, angry, territorial 'local' bros who actually come from Connecticut.” 

When asked if he felt bad about taking tracks away from local residents of the communities he planned to visit, McGaper was completely unremorseful, and even seemed to relish his future powder conquests.

"Locals, if you're reading this, just know that I don't give a f*ck! I'm coming for your powder. I'm going to stay at an AirBnB that screws up your town's affordable housing. After I cut up your pow stashes, I won't tip you at the bar. I'm going to bootpack up your skin track after the resort closes, too. And afterwards, I'll definitely be poaching your hot tub, and hopefully, your ex," McGaper laughed maniacally while pre-packing his ski bag. "Just wait..."  

From The Column: The Bumion

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