Town Square Shanties resident Toby Koekkoek snuggles his lil' buddy as he settles into his new, rustic housing situation. Sam Morse photo.
EVERY SKI TOWN, USA — Town officials and business owners celebrated Tuesday after the approval of a landmark deal that led to the creation of new housing for hundreds of desperate workers. The development — dubbed Town Square Shanties — opened just last night, and occupies centrally-located Town Square, providing some of the most convenient and affordable lodgings for the area's workforce to date.
At news of the shanty plots’ approval, priced at an affordable $945/month plus utilities (street lights and public drinking fountain), the town’s excessive overflow of homeless workers maxed out availability in just under 24 hours, and as of press time, the development’s waiting list contained approximately 3,594 names.
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“Workforce housing has been a major concern for us public officials in America's mountain towns” said Mayor Cara Sutter during a Skype interview with TGR. “With economic realities moving far faster than a small town government, we've struggled to provide stable, affordable housing in our community for area workers who do not make their income from hedge funds."
But while Mayor Sutter and her colleagues did their best to enact progressive zoning policies, how to provide hygienic facilities for any new housing development remained a major roadblock.
"One of the biggest challenges with Town Square Shanties was how to provide bathroom and showering facilities for the development," the mayor said. "So we just decided not to. Instead, we’ve decriminalized public defecation and bathing in our municipal creeks and waterways. We’re very excited about this out-of-the-box approach to land-use regulations!”
During the planning process, the town committee outlining the project debated what kind of building materials would be allowed on the shanty plots, and after much dispute decided on cardboard, tarps, hippy tapestries and prayer flags as the main structural components. Tents, while allowed, will cost residents an additional installation fee.
Business leaders hailed the development's approval as a huge step forward for the resort town's working class.
“This is a great way for the business community to pretend like we care about our workers without doing anything significant or committing any actual resources,” explained local restaurant baron Matt Miller. “The underclass gets a place to sleep, and businesses won't have to figure out their own solution to housing their employees — it's a win-win!”
This is a great way for the business community to pretend like we care about our workers without doing anything or committing any resources.
While many in the community were overjoyed at the innovative housing solution, some were still skeptical. New shanty resident Toby Koekkoek was excited to have a place to finally call his own — Koekkoek had been clandestinely sleeping behind a rack of rental skis in an area ski shop when not working at a pizza parlor — but he also told TGR that living out of a cardboard box in the middle of Town Square will probably take some getting used to.
“I tried to sleep in this morning, but several Chinese tour groups came by and wouldn’t stop taking pictures of me. It sucked,” Koekkoek recounted, rubbing dirt and grass off his face. “I tried to bring a girl ‘home’ last night, but when she saw the shanty, she got super weirded out. I think all my fellow Shanty Town residents' love lives have suffered because of our meager living conditions.
"But on the upside, the town installed these awesome floodlights and security cameras that watch us all the time, so it feels pretty safe!” Koekkoek said.
Law enforcement reports confirmed that in the first 12 hours since residents were allowed to move into Town Square Shanties, police had settled 27 noise complaints, 6 domestic disputes, 24 instances of public lewdness and intoxication, and 238 petty drug violations. Charges are pending and authorities are currently investigating, but noted the cost efficiencies of law enforcement at the cardboard neighborhood, as a single police officer can observe all misdemeanors from a single lifeguard chair in the middle of the encampment.
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About The Author
stash member Sam Morse
TGR Editor-at-Large. author of The Ski Town Fairytale and creative behind The Bumion. Lover of steep-and-deep lines, long trails—and hot springs waiting in the distance.
evan.lloyd9
May 27th, 2016
I hope the Bumion keeps up with the In’s and Out’s of the Town Square Shanty Village. I’m hooked already. Where is Koekkoek going to bring the cougars now that his housing solution is a box? Why can’t he stay with the cougars? Has he moved on to a new type of sexual conquest? THE WORLD NEEDS TO KNOW DAMNIT!!!
Sam Morse
May 27th, 2016
Stay tuned
Norm55
May 29th, 2016
This must be a total joke. This is one of the dumbest concepts ever. 4000 people walking in a mountain stream will make it look like a river in India within a week. Pooping in the park occurs in 3rd world countries cuz they don’t understand public sanitation. An outbreak of some nasty disease is likely. I hope the mayor gets it.