Sign In:

×

Last Step!

Please enter your public display name and a secure password.

Plan to post in the forums? Change your default forum handle here!

×
×

Ski Bro Seeking Temp Girlfriend With Housing For Summer

Tommy Johnson starts the day with a Silver Bullet on the doorstep of his offseason residence, aka his Subaru. Sam Morse photo. 

JACKSON, Wyo. — A mountain town migration was set in motion Monday when 24-year-old ginger, Tommy Johnson, took to local classifieds to advertise his eligibility to commit to a suitable summertime mate — stable housing required. 

The seasoned TGR intern, oriental rug expert and veteran pizza tosser said he was really excited to get to know someone intimately for "no longer than 3 months," as long as he can be assured of the ability to sleep in a real home a minimum of four nights a week.

The ad ran in a variety of Jackson Hole publications including the local newspaper, Buckrail, Craigslist, JH Media, E-harmony and Grindr, although as of press time, Johnson insisted he’s only seeking female respondents.

RELATED: Type A Tech Bro/Athlete Faints At Standing Desk After Long Ski Tour

“I’ll do anything for love,” the intrepid ginger told TGR during a Skype interview. “As long as it’s the type of love that I can bail on in September. And there's a roof I can sleep under.”

Koekkoek’s calls for affection came as no surprise to a plurality of Jackson locals, as recent summers have yielded River Rat invasions, construction of shanty village workforce housing, and a municipal relaxing of laws governing car camping on public streets. But the amorous lothario made clear to TGR that he’s not willing to settle for just any summer fling.

“Ultimately, my standards are pretty low,” Johnson explained. “I’ve been pissing in a Nalgene bottle for over two weeks now, and ever since a can of bear spray went off in my Subaru, everything I own sets my skin on fire. So, I think I’m finally in a place to be a great boyfriend!"

As part of the deal, the ad promised endless back rubs, shuttle duty up the pass, an unlimited supply of Pinky G’s pizza, and ecstatic sex lasting “well over 10 minutes.”

From The Column: The Bumion

Is this jerk for real??

Go big or go home.  Or to the used Subaru dealer.

late model subaru

fail

I would love too, too bad it’s too far.

Is he serious hahaha who would agree?!

Play
READ THE STORY
Bro Sad After Conditions Don’t Match Report
Up Next Culture

Bro Sad After Conditions Don’t Match Report

Bro Sad After Conditions Don’t Match Report

MOUNTAIN TOWN, USA — A snowboarder’s morale was crushed Friday morning after discovering that his local hill’s powder snow report was completely out of touch with actual snow conditions on the ground. Promising 14 inches of “blower” off-piste and “packed powder” everywhere else, the Marmot Mountain snow report eventually convinced 31-year-old rider Sam Rooney to get out of bed and rally for early turns, despite seeing sheets of rain falling outside his low-elevation residence. RELATED:

Play
READ THE STORY
5 Creative Ways to Bargain in a Ski Town
Up Next Culture

5 Creative Ways to Bargain in a Ski Town

5 Creative Ways to Bargain in a Ski Town

There are a myriad of ways to get what you want, and in a ski town one’s coffers can include much more than the traditional dollar. Knowing what you’ve got, and identifying what others are bringing to the table, can go a long way toward “making it”. Below are a couple of categories in which one could be rich:1. Social Currency Are you the hot (literally) new thing? Or maybe the most fun, drunk guy at the bar? These things can get one far, but certainly not all the way, and unfortunately

Play
READ THE STORY
Dirtbagging Grom Quits Preschool, Goes All In On #PowerWheelLife This Winter
Up Next Culture

Dirtbagging Grom Quits Preschool, Goes All In On #PowerWheelLife This Winter

Dirtbagging Grom Quits Preschool, Goes All In On #PowerWheelLife This Winter

JACKSON, Wyo. — Saying he’s done wasting time and is ready to devote his entire winter season to ripping pow, 4-year-old toddler dirtbag Caden Henry officially dropped out of preschool Monday so he could move to Jackson Hole and finally have the winter of a lifetime he's been waiting a whole year since learning to ski to enjoy. Instead of spending the winter coloring, learning the ABC’s and counting to 10, the grom plans to chase storms around the Tetons while living out of his retrofitted