Gapers Riot After Resort Shuts Lifts For Season

Street battles between pro- and anti-Phish gapers raged for much of Thursday afternoon. Teton Gravity/Gina Palomba photos. 

MTN. TOWN, USA — All hell broke loose Thursday afternoon when hundreds of drunken, neon-clad gapers started rioting in response to a local resort closing its lifts for the season.  

The riot — which started after a gaper criticized the resort's closing-day Phish cover band — quickly spun out of control. 

"Phish fucking sucks!" the anonymous gaper was reported to have yelled to the chagrin of dozens of nearby University of Vermont grads. 

RELATED: Resort Bans Skiing — Moguls Vanish Overnight

Already unhappy with the thought of not skiing for seven months, the "hurtful" Phish critique sent a large contingent of intoxicated gapers into a frenzy of booze, snowballs, anarchy and destruction. 

"Trey's the MAN, bro," a saucer-boy/person yelled to a TGR reporter at the scene as the orgy of chaos spread. "'Suzy Greenberg' at MSG New Year's changed my life! BURLINGTON UBER ALLES!"

The thought of not skiing for seven months sent a large contingent of gapers into a frenzy of booze, snowballs, anarchy and destruction.

Resort employees — soon to be out of a job — quickly joined in.

"I don't even really give a shit about Phish," said one seasonal employee. "I'm just pissed they ran out of Rainier halfway through closing day. You pay us $10 an hour and now you expect me to have to buy some fancy-ass $12 micro beers at the base because you didn't plan accordingly?"

Property damage is currently estimated to be in the hundreds of thousands of dollars, and at least one regional ski bus was turned into a billowing inferno. Police are currently looking for the man they suspect ignited the riot. He was described by officials as "a white male in his mid-20s, dressed in ugly '80s gear and incredibly intoxicated" who sparked the uprising before fleeing the scene with a bottle of Jack Daniels in-hand and allegedly yelling "I'm gonna be the godfather of big mountain snowler blading!"

Unfortunately, police say that witness description "literally fits every single dude at the riot."

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stash member Sam Morse

TGR Editor-at-Large. author of The Ski Town Fairytale and creative behind The Bumion. Lover of steep-and-deep lines, long trails—and hot springs waiting in the distance.