Intimidated bro Chicken-leg Charlie suppresses insecurities while taking in his girlfriend's big, luscious cams. Sam Morse photo.
Dear Bumion, I’ve got a #skitownproblem,
About three weeks ago, I Tinder matched with a beautiful woman. Her profile had pics of her doing adventurous stuff that made me feel like I knew her in a shallow, superficial way.
It was love at first swipe.
The first time we got together, we realized we were both climbers, and I was stoked to get out and send with her, until … we whipped out our gear.
When I say I like climbing, what I really mean is that I like bouldering with my shirt off and getting chalk all over myself. I’m actually terrified of heights. But, when my new lady friend revealed her full double rack, it triggered deep feelings of inadequacy. I mean, her nuts are literally bigger than mine!
I mean, her nuts are literally bigger than mine!
I haven’t told her how intimidated I am by her huge, size four Camalots. And I’ve done a decent job bullshitting while she tells me about her multi-pitch exploits. But, sooner or later, she’s gonna know something’s up. The charade can’t last forever — I keep declining her invitations to climb. My fear must reek like revolting, unwashed Capilene.
Things came to a head the other day when she told me that sometimes, she likes to run it out without protection. I was kinda into it, but the potential consequences scare the shit out of me. I mean, one mistake would be the end of me.
The point is, I really like her, and I want it to work out. But I’m terrified that the second she realizes who I really am, she’s gonna be looking for new belay partners to share her portaledge with. Please help!
Sincerely, Chicken-leg Charlie
Dear Chicken-leg Charlie,
We’re sorry to say it, but, you’re effed. Situations like this are more common than you’d think, and it’s certainly not the first time we’ve heard of such mountain town incompatibility.
There are several problems we’re dealing with here:
1.) You've been less than honest. It’s not a severe lie, but moving forward, she’ll always have issues trusting you — secretly wondering if you’re going to be a liability on that next trip to Yosemite. A shaky foundation is no place to erect your tent.
2.) Your ground-loving spirit won’t be enough for her. Once someone gets the trad bug, that’s all they want to do. Are you cool having a girlfriend who is constantly on the road (with other dudes) chasing down new "classic" climbs and fresh crags? You may trust her, but a crash pad in the back of a Subaru is a pretty small space to fit two bodies…
3.) You’re going to run out of things to talk about. Sure, you have mutual interests, and she’ll love talking about your lovable border collie, Fluffball, but it will always come back to climbing. You’ll see the way her eyes light up when she runs into her climbing partner, Ben, and all of a sudden, you’re third wheel at dinner and they are talking about future "projects."
We know this sucks, especially because there are things that tie it together. Do you think she’d be willing to meet you in the middle, and maybe spend more time bouldering and/or top roping? We doubt it. She may say she doesn’t care, but eventually she’ll begin to resent you for holding her back.
Be honest, and let her know how her rack makes you feel. But for fuck’s sake, be prepared if she decides to cut the rope.
P.s. If it doesn't work out with your girlfriend, please let her know that I'm available to hit the Creek next weekend (I've got some 6's and I'm down for some Off-Width)!
From The Column: The Bumion
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