The ForceFlex trash-bag jacket makes its debut. Flickr Creative Commons.
MTN. TOWN, USA — The outdoor-apparel industry was blindsided Thursday as several home and kitchen multinational corproations unveiled their latest storm-riding technology: Trash bags.
In a written statement, a Proctor & Gamble official announced ForceFlex ski/ride outerwear for the 2018-2019 ski season. "Here at P&G, we know that ripping in the rain can suck, so we wanted to STOKE YOUR SOAK!!" the statement reads.
The trash-bag jackets are being marketed to ski bums who already spent their $476 of summer-seasonal savings on beer, weed or a river trip to raft down the (insert western river name here).
"The ForceFlex comes with built-in newspaper insulation in case your mountain-town rent jumps 300 percent and you can't afford the heating bill," the statement continued. "It even doubles as a sleeping bag for when your landlord kicks you out — plus, you can use it to transport all your stuff to your buddy's couch in shame."
Made from a rich blend of cheap and tearable plastics, the ForceFlex delivers 100 percent seam-sealed waterproofing for the sloppiest of cement-like snow days.
But ultimately, the ForceFlex is designed to do one thing: Shred the Rain©.
"Sure, the last couple weeks have been great with snowfall across the country, but have you seen forecasts of late?" said P&G's head of ski outerwear, Bill Senderson. "It's been pissing rain everywhere and Lord knows that your old beater shell isn't waterproofed anymore. The ForceFlex is the perfect $10 kit to keep you on the mountain even when it's pouring harder than Noah's Ark. I mean, what else are you gonna do, not go skiing? Don't be ridiculous."
In the product description for the ForceFlex shell, Proctor & Gamble teased some of the new-age features ski bums everywhere can expect from their late season release.
"Made from a rich blend of cheap and tearable plastics the ForceFlex delivers 100 percent seam-sealed waterproofing for the sloppiest of cement-like snow days," the description stated. "Ripped holes allow plenty of room for head-and-arm integration, while nonexistent internal pockets guarantee you're shit's getting lost today."
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