Fatherhood anonymous; an open discussion on being a dad.

[skiJ]

I’m over 4.5 years into being a full time dad. Any others here?

With the first kid it was challenging in that it was new, and there is always conflict of trying to “get shit done” like fix a drain trap or broken doorknob while wheeling the kid around the house in a bassinet, trying to fit 2 hour jobs into a nap that could be 30 minutes or 3 hours - could be awesome or disaster.

I found the sweet spot of full time dadding was from 4 months to a year or so, then I could take advantage of consolidated sleep and a semi regular nap schedule, it helped to work out balancing taking care of the kid, getting exercise by carrying the kid on my back, and doing house chores when the kid was asleep. Older than that I had a lot more conflict, either of my kids didn’t want to be stuck in a pack and play while I was fixing the garage door opener or prepping dinner or whatever, they would be chucking all their books and toys out of the pack and play (or even our 10x10 baby play area in the living room) yelling because they wanted to be engaged with me. So, less shit done and more time spent with the kid at playgrounds and libraries, still trying to max out shit done during nap intervals, which would be totally disrupted by teething. Thankfully still not too heavy for me to wear on my back and use them as exercise when they were home full time. But naps were more often than not lost causes for productivity older than 1, with lots of CO2 pollution created doing nap drives (taking an hour to drive to the grocery store that’s only 7 minutes away) during teething periods when they were miserable.

My kids are now both in weekday care and I have more time to think about what’s next, but even still with how much time it takes to do daycare dropoff pickups, grocery runs, walking the dog and keeping her sane, keeping the homestead up and running, looking for jobs, damn I have *barely* been on the MTB these last 2 months!

Mostly for me I think being a full time home maker came down to:
-Lean into the uncomfortable parts of being alone with kiddo and just keep working to figure out how to meet their needs
-I had already gotten pretty far in my career that I had no need to prove my worth to anyone, I think that confidence helped not having a problem not being a financial contributor for the family. Also my partner was at a point where she needed to build her career (also her loan forgiveness program required her to work full time), and me being at home gave her the space to do that.
-She also earned more money than I could so that was also a no brainer.
-I’m independent enough to not give a crap about gender roles, of course mom does things differently or that I can’t do, just acknowledge it and focus on what I can do.
-Prioritizing the health and develop needs of kid, the chores needed to keep the house up and running, and still protecting time for myself to exercise and have fuck around with shit time.

+1. post preservation worthy -

Good post, Schralph-

skiJ

[oldnew_guy]

I’m over 4.5 years into being a full time dad. Any others here?

With the first kid it was challenging in that it was new, and there is always conflict of trying to “get shit done” like fix a drain trap or broken doorknob while wheeling the kid around the house in a bassinet, trying to fit 2 hour jobs into a nap that could be 30 minutes or 3 hours - could be awesome or disaster.

I found the sweet spot of full time dadding was from 4 months to a year or so, then I could take advantage of consolidated sleep and a semi regular nap schedule, it helped to work out balancing taking care of the kid, getting exercise by carrying the kid on my back, and doing house chores when the kid was asleep. Older than that I had a lot more conflict, either of my kids didn’t want to be stuck in a pack and play while I was fixing the garage door opener or prepping dinner or whatever, they would be chucking all their books and toys out of the pack and play (or even our 10x10 baby play area in the living room) yelling because they wanted to be engaged with me. So, less shit done and more time spent with the kid at playgrounds and libraries, still trying to max out shit done during nap intervals, which would be totally disrupted by teething. Thankfully still not too heavy for me to wear on my back and use them as exercise when they were home full time. But naps were more often than not lost causes for productivity older than 1, with lots of CO2 pollution created doing nap drives (taking an hour to drive to the grocery store that’s only 7 minutes away) during teething periods when they were miserable.

My kids are now both in weekday care and I have more time to think about what’s next, but even still with how much time it takes to do daycare dropoff pickups, grocery runs, walking the dog and keeping her sane, keeping the homestead up and running, looking for jobs, damn I have *barely* been on the MTB these last 2 months!

Mostly for me I think being a full time home maker came down to:
-Lean into the uncomfortable parts of being alone with kiddo and just keep working to figure out how to meet their needs
-I had already gotten pretty far in my career that I had no need to prove my worth to anyone, I think that confidence helped not having a problem not being a financial contributor for the family. Also my partner was at a point where she needed to build her career (also her loan forgiveness program required her to work full time), and me being at home gave her the space to do that.
-She also earned more money than I could so that was also a no brainer.
-I’m independent enough to not give a crap about gender roles, of course mom does things differently or that I can’t do, just acknowledge it and focus on what I can do.
-Prioritizing the health and develop needs of kid, the chores needed to keep the house up and running, and still protecting time for myself to exercise and have fuck around with shit time.

Damn, not full time, but this post speaks to me. Definitely have put the career on the back burner for similar reasons recently and hope to move to to less and less work over the next few years and might go full time Dad in the next few years.

Not sure I can handle not having something to do during the day, but will be happy to not be outsourcing their care as much.

[SchralphMacchio]

Oh believe me the problem won’t be not having anything to do during the day. The problem will be dialing in your schedule to fit in what you can, while also tempering expectations and acknowledging that a good day is a day where the kids ate well, got to school/daycare without much fuss, come home happy and healthy, minimum chores got done, you did one thing to take care of yourself, and any other single thing that got crossed off your list is purely a bonus cherry!

[SkiLyft]

First time in the ski shop this year for little #1. She’s stoked. The Father in me can get behind this marriage.




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[carlh]

Getting into riding his MTB. He took a pedal head trail class and is now having fun at duthie!

[riser4]

First time in the ski shop this year for little #1. She’s stoked. The Father in me can get behind this marriage.




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OMG! She's gonna shred!!!

[present tense]

Maybe sliding slightly off topic, oldest has started 6th grade, had his first after school dance and I’m learning he’s been asking for digits and uses his iPad to text his new gal pals. Seems mostly innocent and what I did too back in the day but passing notes and using land lines - risking that her dad would pick up and deny the call.

Man it’s so weird. Happy the little dude is testing the waters but no idea how to manage the etiquette side of things. I know there’s mags out there that have managed the transition, what am I missing, what should I worry about, I have access to his iPad and can check his texts, but feel a little creepy doing that?!? Man, so fucking weird, things are so different yet slightly somehow still the same as they were.

[yeahman]

Their privacy is secondary to your job as a parent IMO.

[Danno]

What he said

[Dromond]

Talk to me about traveling with an almost two year old. Ours has gotten into a pretty good spot with sleeping in the crib at night and naptime and doesn’t really fight it, which she did for a time. However we are staying at friend’s house for the night and when I tried to put her in the pack n play she was not having it. I laid her down on the bed next to me and she fell asleep quickly saying “night night” which is always so cute. The only time she sleeps next to us is when camping, but we’ve got a two week road trip through the French alps coming up and I’m a little dubious of what the sleep schedule is going to be like. She naps for 2-3 hours at home but usually only 45 minutes if I’m the car during the day. I’m excited for the trip other than a nervous about short naps, bedtime struggles, and inevitable motion sickness vomiting in the rental car. (I’m padding that back seat with towels.) we’ve traveled with her a lot and in general it’s a good experience, but this is the longest trip since she was four months old, back when she slept half of the day in the carrier or car!

[lowsparkco]

Maybe sliding slightly off topic, oldest has started 6th grade, had his first after school dance and I’m learning he’s been asking for digits and uses his iPad to text his new gal pals. Seems mostly innocent and what I did too back in the day but passing notes and using land lines - risking that her dad would pick up and deny the call.

Man it’s so weird. Happy the little dude is testing the waters but no idea how to manage the etiquette side of things. I know there’s mags out there that have managed the transition, what am I missing, what should I worry about, I have access to his iPad and can check his texts, but feel a little creepy doing that?!? Man, so fucking weird, things are so different yet slightly somehow still the same as they were.

I’d probably scan the messages for tone.

I looked up to my best friend’s dad at that age. He always knew what we were up to, but he didn’t say too much. A well timed discussion of what was appropriate, when to show respect, how to represent ourselves. We ignored it, but at least we knew we were being naughty.

[SchralphMacchio]

Talk to me about traveling with an almost two year old.

It’s hard and you will cheat and take shortcuts to make sleep happen, and on the first night back home you will suffer for it. I’m traveling right now with our 28 month old, and he’s teething and miserable if left alone. He spent the entire night head butting mom, even though a month ago he was happily sleeping in his own bed by himself etc. My 4.5 year old also peed three times in the middle of the night last night, only once was in the toilet, the other two were on my bed, then later on her bed. Each time incomprehensibly screaming at me of course!

But grandpa and the kids faces for all the quality time they are getting right now - it’s all worth it!

All routines go to shit because everything is just so different and exciting. My kids are so excited here that they can’t even eat, just too distracted. So we are doing a lot more snacking or dealing with hangry kids than normal.

We learned to add buffer time from long trips - getting home midday, 2 days before school or work, just to re establish patterns (and get through laundry mountain).

[schuss]

Wholly agree with Mr. Macchio. Typically these are our tricks with our kids (this is from experiences starting at about 12-18 months).
1. Snacks. Lots of fun snacks are always good to distract.
2. For babies, a variety of things to chew on/suck on are key, especially if a flight is involved.
3. They are going to be on you. For a Disney trip, I don't think my 18 month old let go of me at all while in public.
4. Related to 3 - you're going to get peed/vomited on, pack extra clothes.
5. ALSO related to 3 - have a cosleeping plan as that's probably going to happen.
6. Be flexible with your schedule. Remember it's a family trip, so plan for some chill picnics or similar so they have some low-profile play/relax time.
7. The decompression day at the end is also vital, as Schralp says. Not only for laundry and schedules, but for your own sanity.

[SchralphMacchio]

4. Related to 3 - you're going to get peed/vomited on, pack extra clothes.

I keep a 1.5 oz squeeze tube of laundry detergent in our RV and I was SOOOOO happy that I did when our kids got fevers our 2nd night of our week long trip in the White Pass RV lot, and my 21 month old puked into my snow boots! It’s worth bringing one on a road trip Dromond!

The kid toddled around sickly, walked up to my boots, looked at me, whimpered and then launched right into one of them! I was lucky enough to be able to use the sink at my friend’s condo rental to wash that boot liner out!!! And also lucky that my telemark boots have Vibram soles so that I used those boots for typical outside the RV snow fuckery (dig out the trailer, walk the dog, etc!) while the snow boot liner dried out. Those tele boots are normally used for my waxless setup towing the kids in the Thule ski trailer.

[Trackhead]

Their privacy is secondary to your job as a parent IMO.

Yup. Especially if it was to protect your kid from some weirdo internet freak.

[present tense]

Yup. Especially if it was to protect your kid from some weirdo internet freak.

Roger that and thanks for the reminder to parental block the TRG padded room.

[yeahman]

Roger that and thanks for the reminder to parental block the TRG padded room.

Re-reading your post I think it's quite possible most kids have a phone by middle school (6th grade) so they can text. If your kid doesn't have a phone he's probably trying to be part of the peer social scene by texting on his iPad. Nothing strange about that.

[bodywhomper]

My 8th graders don’t have phones with mobile services yet. Their wifi only phones give them access to discord and Imessaging, which of how they communicate with friends when having wifi access. They’ll likely get SIM cards at the end of the school year.

Only some of their middle school peers have SIM card active phones.

[Trackhead]

Roger that and thanks for the reminder to parental block the TRG padded room.

That’s the first thing every parent/maggot should do.

Agree with Yeahman. My 12 yr old doesn’t have a phone but does occasionally text on his iPad.

[present tense]

Thanks for the input from the collective. I feel lucky kid is a straight A student, loves being outdoors all seasons, and helps out with yard work. Just navigating how things work as he’s maturing and earning privileges.

[Dromond]

I keep a 1.5 oz squeeze tube of laundry detergent in our RV and I was SOOOOO happy that I did when our kids got fevers our 2nd night of our week long trip in the White Pass RV lot, and my 21 month old puked into my snow boots! It’s worth bringing one on a road trip Dromond!

The kid toddled around sickly, walked up to my boots, looked at me, whimpered and then launched right into one of them! I was lucky enough to be able to use the sink at my friend’s condo rental to wash that boot liner out!!! And also lucky that my telemark boots have Vibram soles so that I used those boots for typical outside the RV snow fuckery (dig out the trailer, walk the dog, etc!) while the snow boot liner dried out. Those tele boots are normally used for my waxless setup towing the kids in the Thule ski trailer.

That is a good idea! Vibes about the ski boot - I would have freaked

[yeahman]

Thanks for the input from the collective. I feel lucky kid is a straight A student, loves being outdoors all seasons, and helps out with yard work. Just navigating how things work as he’s maturing and earning privileges.

Sounds like a good kid who has earned your trust so far. We put a lot of trust in our two girls as far as phones/social media, etc., and they never let us down so far. [emoji1696]We got them phones in middle school and made them wait until they were 13 to sign up for Instagram, Snapchat, etc., because that is the "official" age requirement. They groused about this a bit because many of their friends lied about their ages and got accounts earlier, but we stuck to our guns. My thinking was you have a loooong online digital life ahead of you and it's best not to start out with a lie.

OTOH we know a couple of their friends whose parents forbid them to be on social media and still do through high school. This does not work. All these kids figured out workarounds and hid it from their parents. All the parents succeeded in doing was creating a culture of deceit with their kid, by forcing the kid to be dishonest just to be a normal tween or teenager, and from what I've seen that deceit only increased over the years. We chose to not monitor their screen time or social media, and they never gave us cause to regret that, partly, I think, because they did not want to betray our trust and we never put them in a position of having to hide it from us. Once you turn things into "forbidden fruit" it just makes them want it more.

Not saying everything has been prefect, far from it, but overall this strategy worked for us with these particular kids.

[Trackhead]

^^ good tips and logic.

[Buster Highmen]

Our kids had windows nokia phones from 12 to until 14, so not much in the way of apps or innertoob access.
Around 14 they got iphones and we never restricted them, but did ask them to make good choices and think about what they were doing.

I figured any restriction would just make the forbidden fruit that much sweeter.

My son has a pretty virulent video game obsession and we'd talk about that. He'd stop playing for a while. But he was always really shy, so at least this was a way for him to socialize. His fav game was echo, a VR game that was kind of like quiddich with tourneys and chat groups. He's still into it as a physics senior in college and just finished his first research assistantship.

My daughter did tiktok, instagram, etc but has since slacked off.

Aside from sweetening the taboo, I thought that it's better to let them make their own decisions and recognize when things were going south. Better to learn that skill earlier than later. I think they recognized and appreciated the trust.

Each has turned out well, studious, well regarded kids on their way to being responsible people.

[bodywhomper]

Instagram messaging is the main way my 17yo and his friends communicate.

One of his close friends, as an 18yo, has open regrets about her access and use of IG when she was younger. With the hindsight wisdom of an 18yo, she is pretty open about the pit that she found herself in and the depression that she went through as a result of IG fomo and feeling of poor self worth because of IG curation by others… Kinda that classic story. As one of the adults semi-close in her life, it was tough to see her in that place but nice to see and know her on the other side.

When my kiddo was dealing with isolation issues from covid shutdown and falling into a pit of passive phone use, he and I together read a very long psychology journal article about teen depression tendencies related to passive screen use and how that behavior was not a observed from active screen time uses (ie gaming). He made a successful effort to change his behavior and get out of his funk. He had several friends in similar places and they all rallied each other to change their experiences and most (but not all ) got out of their dark corners.