Fatherhood anonymous; an open discussion on being a dad.

[gaijin]

Can somebody better than me start a GoFund me for Joe? And, could you do it right now, please?

I understand he's not asking for money. But...

Anyway, it's going to get easier, homie. Reach out to us. We're a legion of maggots who are all your bros in ways you haven't discovered yet. Most of us don't know you, but you have our shoulders.

[joeshek]

Thanks Guys. Kills me that he's never going to know his mom, and that she's not going to get to see him grow up. She was simply awesome with him. Have good support from family and community, and my folks live close. At the same time, the idea of being a single parent is overwhelming and exhausting to think about.

Got on the mountain bike yesterday. Good break.

[joeshek]

Re: mac ride/shotgun seat - had assumed he's too little for that at 14 months/25 lbs.

Anyone get their little guy/gal in one around that age/size?

[carlh]

Joe sorry for your loss that is rough.
I started my son in the Macride at 2. You could probably start earlier on the road if he has good head/neck strength.
My wife has major health issues since pregnancy and couldn’t do much for a few years, best thing I did for my sanity was a cargo bike so I could do day care drop offs and ride to work so I at least got some outside time every day.
Biggest mistake I made was not getting more support take whatever people can give and don’t feel bad about it.

[californiagrown]

Re: mac ride/shotgun seat - had assumed he's too little for that at 14 months/25 lbs.

Anyone get their little guy/gal in one around that age/size?

I have pretty mellow XC trails in a state park a block from my house, and had my kid on the shotgun bike seat at 18months (25ish lbs). He walked at 10months for reference. I could have done it a month or two earlier but winter in the PNW isnt ideal for that. He loved it from day 1 and was a quick learner that he needed to keep his hands on the bars and feet in the straps. I took it super duper slow and cautious, and had to catch him once, but its become our go-to thing 3-4 times per week we ride singletrack down to one of the playgrounds in the state park or nearby schools, play for a bit, and then ride back home. Sometimes we stop at the playground and he just chatters away "more bike, more bike" so we ride more instead of playground. If your kid is "advanced" in his physical development then 14 months might be okay to cruise around the street in front of your house, at which point you can figure out if he is ready to ride on a trail. 14 months is really young though. Worst case it goes poorly and you already have the seat ready to go in a few more months when he is ready.

Only tips i have are to tape your bars so they arent holding onto cold metal (their hands get cold easily), and also dress them warm as they are getting all the wind, and none of the cardio so they will be way colder than you. And also to bring a diaper, wipes ina ziplock, and doggy poop bag so you arent dealing with a blowout situation 15minutes from your house getting splattered with shit the whole ride back (ask me how i know).


My unsolicited $0.02 on the larger situation is to take some time to wallow. No need to move on and put on a brave face for others so quick. Lean on the folks around you for a bit, and know that it is good and healthy to drop the kid off with family for a weekend and go have some alone time if you need it. You dont have to be superman 247365.

[Mazderati]

Progressive trial-and-error of a two year old who wants to keep reading instead of going to bed:

1. Ask to read again. Doesn't work.
2. Ask to read a second book after current book is finished. Doesn't work.
3. Ask to read a second book before current book is finished. Doesn't work.
4. Furnish second book and ask to switch before current book is finished. Doesn't work.
5. Turn pages of current book back to beginning before book is finished. Doesn't work.
6. Slow pace of reading by pointing to pages and flipping back a forth between pages. Doesn't work.
7. TBD.

[mcphee]

^we give a 2-3 book buffer after we call last call on books.
We normally grab 10 books or so. After each one she says “more books”. We’ll say “ok, last book” on the last one from that pile. Depending on her mood she’ll be ready for bed or need a couple more. When we really mean it we say “ok, last book then it’s time for bed”. We take her to bed on that last last-call regardless of protest. Usually works.

[BmillsSkier]

First, my gosh Joe, I can't imagine what you must be going through.

What others have said about reaching out for help, taking time to process your incredible loss (both you and your son) and talking to people to do so, reading, showering your son with as much love and time together as you can... all fantastic advice. I won't pretend to add more than what's been said, so I'll just say that you will be an amazing dad to that boy and I bet years from now you'll look back on a very strong bond between you two as a result of this terrible time.


Maz, on a lighter note it doesn't change when they're 8 either. My boy is the king of procrastination/stalling pulling out every single bedtime reading trick there is in order to stave off actually going to sleep. "I'll read just one more page, pleeeeeeeeaaasssee?"

[yeahman]

Bedtime is bedtime. Do not negotiate.

[Danno]

Do not negotiate.

parenthood is one giant negotiation.

[yeahman]

parenthood is one giant negotiation.

Fair statement. But kids quickly learn what works and what doesn't.

[Danno]

SHOOT THE HOSTAGE!

[californiagrown]

My 2yrold son is terrified of baths. Its weird because he often asks to pretend take a bath and climbs into the tub himself, and the little guy is in love with the water at lakes and the ocean so much so that he just wants to hang out bellybutton deep in that cold ass water ALL THE TIME. But when the water in the tub is a nice warm temp and 4" deep, it is terrifying apparently.

I recently picked up a construction themed rubber ducky at a golf tournament's swag tent and tossed it in the tub like a week ago. Last night, during his nightly freakout about the bath, i grabbed the ducky and did my best impression of a verbally abusive site superintendent (yelling about LNI and OSHA and inspectors and the fucking architects, etc) ... and my son loved it and could not get enough of it. Its the only thing that has worked in like 6 months of bath freakouts. Its gonna be tough to keep that bit up every night (and also keep language clean as he immediately repeated "up my ass" back to me last night), but i dont think i really have a choice?

[MarcusBrody]

My 2yrold son is terrified of baths. Its weird because he often asks to pretend take a bath and climbs into the tub himself, and the little guy is in love with the water at lakes and the ocean so much so that he just wants to hang out bellybutton deep in that cold ass water ALL THE TIME. But when the water in the tub is a nice warm temp and 4" deep, it is terrifying apparently.

I recently picked up a construction themed rubber ducky at a golf tournament's swag tent and tossed it in the tub like a week ago. Last night, during his nightly freakout about the bath, i grabbed the ducky and did my best impression of a verbally abusive site superintendent (yelling about LNI and OSHA and inspectors and the fucking architects, etc) ... and my son loved it and could not get enough of it. Its the only thing that has worked in like 6 months of bath freakouts. Its gonna be tough to keep that bit up every night (and also keep language clean as he immediately repeated "up my ass" back to me last night), but i dont think i really have a choice?

Seems like you have a choice between a clean body or a clean mouth.

My son is 7 now and while he largely takes showers, when he does take baths, it is still in a big, Rubbermaid tub. We started doing it when traveling once when we didn't have his baby bathtub and somehow he liked it more. As he got older, he liked to fill it up and soak up to his chest - Japanese soaking tub style, partially as we refused to fill the real tub up totally given the water it would waste. But it's become increasingly comical as he is now over 4 ft tall and still prefers to curl himself up and sit in the plastic tub.

[Art Shirk]

“I didn’t know Santa smokes?!??!!”

- my daughter, doing her math book in my office.





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[Danno]

Only after sex, sweetie.

[Art Shirk]

I told her, only when he’s drunk. Seemed to console her.


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[riser4]

Only after sex, sweetie.

So basically once a year. Because when he does, it's down a chimney.

[joeshek]

My 2yrold son is terrified of baths. Its weird because he often asks to pretend take a bath and climbs into the tub himself, and the little guy is in love with the water at lakes and the ocean so much so that he just wants to hang out bellybutton deep in that cold ass water ALL THE TIME. But when the water in the tub is a nice warm temp and 4" deep, it is terrifying apparently.

I recently picked up a construction themed rubber ducky at a golf tournament's swag tent and tossed it in the tub like a week ago. Last night, during his nightly freakout about the bath, i grabbed the ducky and did my best impression of a verbally abusive site superintendent (yelling about LNI and OSHA and inspectors and the fucking architects, etc) ... and my son loved it and could not get enough of it. Its the only thing that has worked in like 6 months of bath freakouts. Its gonna be tough to keep that bit up every night (and also keep language clean as he immediately repeated "up my ass" back to me last night), but i dont think i really have a choice?

You tried showers? My little guy seems to prefer hanging in the shower with me, and then scrubbing down like dad. He doesn’t sit still long, so baths have always been a battle to keep him from trying to climb the walls.

[schuss]

Is it better if he starts sitting in the tub and then you start filling the water up? Perhaps teach him a little about controlling the temp? Kids often do better when things are gradual and they have a level of control.

[californiagrown]

You tried showers? My little guy seems to prefer hanging in the shower with me, and then scrubbing down like dad. He doesn’t sit still long, so baths have always been a battle to keep him from trying to climb the walls.

Yeah he likes to shower with dad. We just dont want to make that a habit as his bathtime is more intended to be just a part of his bedtime routine than something to clean him off every day. We dont want to have to take a shower with him at 7pm EVERY night.

Is it better if he starts sitting in the tub and then you start filling the water up? Perhaps teach him a little about controlling the temp? Kids often do better when things are gradual and they have a level of control.

Worth a try. As soon as he hears the tub water turn on he starts crying, so maybe he just needs to be there through the whole process of filling.

[406]

have you tried some bathtub specific toys? Assuming you are already using baby shampoo and mild soap, so not like a soap in the eye type issue. Also when my kids did baths, I had them fill a 5 gallon bucket with the dirty water, they loved doing that. And I would dump it on the lawn post bath.

You mentioned everyday, I'm under the impression kids only need to bathe a couple times a week...unless they get really dirt or in pool/ocean.

[gravitylover]

Oh damn Joe, sorry man

[californiagrown]

have you tried some bathtub specific toys? Assuming you are already using baby shampoo and mild soap, so not like a soap in the eye type issue. Also when my kids did baths, I had them fill a 5 gallon bucket with the dirty water, they loved doing that. And I would dump it on the lawn post bath.

You mentioned everyday, I'm under the impression kids only need to bathe a couple times a week...unless they get really dirt or in pool/ocean.

He's got plenty of bath toys. I bathtub bathe him every other day, on the off days he just gets a wipe down next to the tub which he doesnt mind. Even on the bath days i only really wash his balls and butt, and quick wipedown of the face. Bath time (in our household) is there to signify the starting of the bedtime routine: bath, books, bed is a 30 min process he asks for and follows to a T.

[schuss]

Yeah, get some fun cups and other stuff and bathtime is fun as it's "play with filling up stuff" while the water is running.