Fatherhood anonymous; an open discussion on being a dad.

[californiagrown]

Yeah, get some fun cups and other stuff and bathtime is fun as it's "play with filling up stuff" while the water is running.

Angry Superintendent Quackers is the only bath toy that can snap him out of his terror. Smh.

[joeshek]

He's got plenty of bath toys. I bathtub bathe him every other day, on the off days he just gets a wipe down next to the tub which he doesnt mind. Even on the bath days i only really wash his balls and butt, and quick wipedown of the face. Bath time (in our household) is there to signify the starting of the bedtime routine: bath, books, bed is a 30 min process he asks for and follows to a T.

Don't know if I'm lucky or tempting fate, but PJs+brush teeth+book->bed is an efficient 10 min process.

[Dromond]

Hi Dads,

My little one is almost 21 months now, and is toddling all over the place as she really just learned to walk a month ago and is PUMPED about it. We have gotten out camping in various forms quite a bit. As a family and we've all slept in a tent or SUV fifteen times so far this year. We all pack into the back of an old Suburban and snuggle, which except for the odd midnight wakeup works really well. She loves to explore, and especially playing with water. If you have older kids - what were your favorite adventures when they were this age, especially if camping-adjacent? I'm always searching for ideas!

[SchralphMacchio]

joeshek - I hope you've been getting through each day okay, seeking help, and not rushing yourself to fix everything. I've been through enough of my own personal grief to know that it moves in phases, and also has a habit of sneaking up on you until you acknowledge that everything is not okay, and that's okay, and that it's okay to seek help. I'm confident your kid will be okay, but taking care of yourself is important to put you in a position to take care of your kid. Just sending my best wishes for you to get through all this.

I was a little hesitant to mention this earlier, as Hunter Biden has obviously been in the news a lot lately for not great reasons, and not everyone leans the same way politically, but I still find it inspiring to think about what Joe Biden went through, his boys were 2 and 3 when they lost mom and sister. Really close in age to my two kids. I'm grateful that my family is currently fully healthy, but my wife does work a lot of nights and weekends, and up until my younger kid (2 years old) started weekday care recently, I was at home full time for the last 4.5 years taking care of at least 1 kid and a pretty needy dog, but often both of my kids - and for an impatient guy like me it can be a grind with toddlers, especially following the pandemic years. When I'm about to lose my shit when everyone is being impatient and crazy, I just remind myself of what Joe Biden got through, how much harder he had it than I do, and I use him as a crutch to take a deep breath and try to reset myself and think calmly about what's the most important thing for my kid(s) right now and what are my options. But of course one can only survive with survival thinking for so long, it's important to make time to process the big picture as well. Anyways I don't know if this story is helpful or not, I'm just sharing it anyways for the broader sake of this thread. We're all dads trying the best we can.

[SchralphMacchio]

If you have older kids - what were your favorite adventures when they were this age, especially if camping-adjacent? I'm always searching for ideas!

Despite having a fancy Osprey pack to have carried my daughter so many places until she got too heavy for my poor old back, or all the other fancy outdoor toys (Mac Ride, ski trailer / bike trailer, FirstBike, FirstBike ski kit, SnoSnake 70cm strap on XC skis, inflatable kayak that fits my wife, kid, me, and dog on the front deck), my now 4.5 year old daughter really remembers and loves the simple stuff. Throwing rocks into creeks or lakes anywhere is still like top 5 activities for her, it doesn't matter if it's some piddly little no name thing or a pristine stretch of the Upper Middle Fork Willamette. She also loves reading all the same books we read at home while camping. Playing with headlamps and flashlights when it gets dark. Walking around the campsite with collapsible hiking poles like she's on some expedition. Digging up sand on a shoreline with a stick, the dog chuck it, or beach toys if I remember them. Just the simple stuff! That said, she's been jonesing to get on the Mac Ride lately, we just haven't made time to get on it this entire season, ugh. I think she wants to get back on the kayak too ... a lot of things get harder to accomodate once a younger sibling comes along ...

[bodywhomper]

joeshek, really sorry to hear your news. Condolences. I can’t imagine. I hope you have or are able to find a good support network.

Bathtub fun: if y’all are lucky, your kids will start the habit of pooping in the tub. That’s the best, especially when they’re bathing with somebody else. It can be tricky cuz they may associate bath=relaxation=pooping. You really don’t want to discourage anybody of those three things, just the combo of the three together. Fun times!!! For a short while, one kid also had a corollary: pooping in the river. Similar circumstance involving relaxing in water. It was shitty for a while, but they grew out of it.

[SchralphMacchio]

bodywhomp don't remind me ... hahaha. Thankfully baby brother was a LOT better about that than big sister!

[Touring_Sedan]

Hi Dads,

My little one is almost 21 months now, and is toddling all over the place as she really just learned to walk a month ago and is PUMPED about it. We have gotten out camping in various forms quite a bit. As a family and we've all slept in a tent or SUV fifteen times so far this year. We all pack into the back of an old Suburban and snuggle, which except for the odd midnight wakeup works really well. She loves to explore, and especially playing with water. If you have older kids - what were your favorite adventures when they were this age, especially if camping-adjacent? I'm always searching for ideas!

I'll echo what's already been said, the simple stuff is key. We still hike a bunch with our kids, but at that age I was having them help me identify bugs, flowers, fauna, etc. There's soooo many good books out there. We took some arts and crafts shit out into the woods on camping trips.... rock painting, etc. Most of the time we were just letting them be kids.

[Woodsy]

I'll echo what's already been said, the simple stuff is key. We still hike a bunch with our kids, but at that age I was having them help me identify bugs, flowers, fauna, etc. There's soooo many good books out there. We took some arts and crafts shit out into the woods on camping trips.... rock painting, etc. Most of the time we were just letting them be kids.

This again, just exploring wherever you are and what's different from home.

[californiagrown]

exploring wherever you are and what's different from home.

I always do the first part, the second part is a new tip for me. Thanks.

[SchralphMacchio]

CG, I have a suspicion that the bath terror isn’t bath terror, but associating filling it as the first step in bedtime, and the little tyke probably doesn’t want to end the day / be by themselves? Are they teething at all?

My daughter was a master delayer. Any new teeth would inevitably lead to all kinds of routine setbacks, with each of the final set of teeth being worse and worse. Even after all her teeth were in, my daughter would stretch things out pretty badly from like age 2.5 to 4. We resorted to using melatonin and that helped a little bit, but often she would delay things so that we missed the tiredness wave and would be reading books, filling water bottles, bedtime snacks, brushing teeth again, etc until like 1030 pm sometimes. And it never seemed to matter what time we started the routine, her actual bedtime was pretty much a function of her determination more than anything. I’m pretty sure you can see eyebrow hair embedded in the (figurative) dents in my sheetrock from my forehead from these nights. Just walking a tightrope because any hard holding of rules would be a 45 minute cry fest with a kid who could now open the parent lock on all the baby gates and was strong enough to open the freezer drawer of the fridge. And then … after she turned four, she just started randomly saying, “mom, I wanna brush teeth and just go to bed.” 930 became 845. Some nights she’d ask to go to bed at 730 and be passed out by 815. It’s been … peaceful … with her anyways. Little brother was jumping on mom from 830 to 1030 last night …

[californiagrown]

CG, I have a suspicion that the bath terror isn’t bath terror, but associating filling it as the first step in bedtime, and the little tyke probably doesn’t want to end the day / be by themselves? Are they teething at all?

My daughter was a master delayer. Any new teeth would inevitably lead to all kinds of routine setbacks, with each of the final set of teeth being worse and worse. Even after all her teeth were in, my daughter would stretch things out pretty badly from like age 2.5 to 4. We resorted to using melatonin and that helped a little bit, but often she would delay things so that we missed the tiredness wave and would be reading books, filling water bottles, bedtime snacks, brushing teeth again, etc until like 1030 pm sometimes. And it never seemed to matter what time we started the routine, her actual bedtime was pretty much a function of her determination more than anything. I’m pretty sure you can see eyebrow hair embedded in the (figurative) dents in my sheetrock from my forehead from these nights. Just walking a tightrope because any hard holding of rules would be a 45 minute cry fest with a kid who could now open the parent lock on all the baby gates and was strong enough to open the freezer drawer of the fridge. And then … after she turned four, she just started randomly saying, “mom, I wanna brush teeth and just go to bed.” 930 became 845. Some nights she’d ask to go to bed at 730 and be passed out by 815. It’s been … peaceful … with her anyways. Little brother was jumping on mom from 830 to 1030 last night …

Could be, but im doubtful. We have kept a pretty tight schedule since he was first sleep trained at 4months and the little guy thrives on it. He asks for bath, or nap every day within 5minutes of when it was supposed to happen anyways. He helps setup the bath etc, and often times will close a book midstory to walk over to his crib to ask "go to sleep?". Falls asleep quickly and sleeps through the night, etc. Combo of us being lucky that he is such a good sleeper, and also that we keep him on that schedule so his awake and sleep windows stay consistent and predictable (good sleep hygiene).

Took him to the lake yesterday after work to throw rocks in the water (one of his favorite past times). He decided to sit down in the water along the shore and then subsequently got knocked over by a boat wake- full submersion. He was pissed for about 5 seconds, and then sat back down in the water to ploop and plop rocks. So its not a fear of water.

[SchralphMacchio]

Shoot, well then I guess it’s time to keep up “The Wonders of Title 24” by Arthur Quackenfeld?!?!?

[oldnew_guy]

Random thoughts:

-Try bath at a different time and unconnected from bedtime with some sort of big reward after. Then work back into bedtime routine if it resolves.
- Does the tub have anti-slip mat in it?
- Skip the hairwash.
- Kids go through phases, sometimes things are a big deal for a few weeks/months then just randomly go away.

You are probably on the right track with the re-direction.

[Danno]

- Kids go through phases, sometimes things are a big deal for a few weeks/months then just randomly go away.

This. My daughter went through a few months of a bizarre fear of bunnies. Simple cute stuffies scared the crap out of her. No idea why. But she grew out of it.

[riser4]

Thing #3's first complete sentence was "Uh-oh, [thing #2] did it!" Quite the little snitch. They still like to get physical and tussle over ridiculous things. Ages 20 and 18.

[snapt]

Whomever suggested the cry it out...we went for a modified version and it took all of a night to get to much better sleep. Helped Mrs SnapT tremendously with the PPD to at least be better rested.

Until last night. Little dude has been a bit off and a very low grade fever for a few days. No biggie until he had a black tarry diaper. Got into our Ped and sure as shit (pun intended) it tested positive for blood. Sent us straight to the ED. Thankfully imaging and and labs came back normal. He did well with an IV and fluids for an 8 month old. All diapers since have been good. Super odd one off GI bleed likely caused by a stomach bug causing GI inflammation apparently. Super scary nonetheless for our first illness. Anyone ever go through something similar?

[The Reverend Floater]

Progressive trial-and-error of a two year old who wants to keep reading instead of going to bed:

1. Ask to read again. Doesn't work.
2. Ask to read a second book after current book is finished. Doesn't work.
3. Ask to read a second book before current book is finished. Doesn't work.
4. Furnish second book and ask to switch before current book is finished. Doesn't work.
5. Turn pages of current book back to beginning before book is finished. Doesn't work.
6. Slow pace of reading by pointing to pages and flipping back a forth between pages. Doesn't work.
7. TBD.

FWIW, we did absolute BATTLE with our youngest up until recently. She would resist bed at all costs, then get in there and do everything possible to delay. Sometimes she'd scream and cry, run out and lay on the floor. Repeat. It was brutal and very disheartening.

We finally found a solution: We tell her "it's time to wind down and go to your room. We can read 3 books but you can't leave your room." No mention of bed time or going to sleep. The first week she would go in, fuck around for an hour, then fall asleep. Within a few weeks she was asking for books and then falling asleep, right on schedule.

Basically lull them into thinking they have a choice.

Sent from my SM-S918U1 using Tapatalk

[jackattack]

Joe, condolences for your loss. It’s good to hear you have the support of family. If the TGR community can be of support don’t hold back.



On a less somber note, I suppose now is as good a time as any to share that we welcomed our first kid into the family in late May. Its been an amazing and exhausting experience. We’re stoked to have this little guy in the family.

[::: :::]

So sorry to read about that, Joe — tell your son happy stories about your wife so he knows something about her. You will heal slowly but know that it will happen.


Congrats jackattack

[lowsparkco]

Congrats Jackattack. Your little guy must be a week or two younger than my little girl, born 5/17.

Tomorrow will be the end of the first week since her mom returned to work. I’ve been pretty nervous about it being just the two of us, but it’s actually been pretty amazing.

[alias_rice]

On a less somber note, I suppose now is as good a time as any to share that we welcomed our first kid into the family in late May. Its been an amazing and exhausting experience. We’re stoked to have this little guy in the family.

]

Congrats! Hopefully you guys are getting a little sleep.

[californiagrown]

Tomorrow will be the end of the first week since her mom returned to work. I’ve been pretty nervous about it being just the two of us, but it’s actually been pretty amazing.

I was a little anxious about taking care of my guy when wifey went back to work and i started my tour of paternity leave. But i found it pretty darn easy comparatively because all you really have to do is try, and you will do a good job. And right around the age of your kids is when my kid stopped being such a potato and actually started developing something resembling a personality, and those smiles and giggles recharge your batteries real quick.

[riser4]

I was a little anxious about taking care of my guy when wifey went back to work and i started my tour of paternity leave. But i found it pretty darn easy comparatively because all you really have to do is try, and you will do a good job. And right around the age of your kids is when my kid stopped being such a potato and actually started developing something resembling a personality, and those smiles and giggles recharge your batteries real quick.

The smiles. And the giggles. And the crying. And the screaming. Wait, wuht?

[SchralphMacchio]

I’m over 4.5 years into being a full time dad. Any others here?

With the first kid it was challenging in that it was new, and there is always conflict of trying to “get shit done” like fix a drain trap or broken doorknob while wheeling the kid around the house in a bassinet, trying to fit 2 hour jobs into a nap that could be 30 minutes or 3 hours - could be awesome or disaster.

I found the sweet spot of full time dadding was from 4 months to a year or so, then I could take advantage of consolidated sleep and a semi regular nap schedule, it helped to work out balancing taking care of the kid, getting exercise by carrying the kid on my back, and doing house chores when the kid was asleep. Older than that I had a lot more conflict, either of my kids didn’t want to be stuck in a pack and play while I was fixing the garage door opener or prepping dinner or whatever, they would be chucking all their books and toys out of the pack and play (or even our 10x10 baby play area in the living room) yelling because they wanted to be engaged with me. So, less shit done and more time spent with the kid at playgrounds and libraries, still trying to max out shit done during nap intervals, which would be totally disrupted by teething. Thankfully still not too heavy for me to wear on my back and use them as exercise when they were home full time. But naps were more often than not lost causes for productivity older than 1, with lots of CO2 pollution created doing nap drives (taking an hour to drive to the grocery store that’s only 7 minutes away) during teething periods when they were miserable.

My kids are now both in weekday care and I have more time to think about what’s next, but even still with how much time it takes to do daycare dropoff pickups, grocery runs, walking the dog and keeping her sane, keeping the homestead up and running, looking for jobs, damn I have *barely* been on the MTB these last 2 months!

Mostly for me I think being a full time home maker came down to:
-Lean into the uncomfortable parts of being alone with kiddo and just keep working to figure out how to meet their needs
-I had already gotten pretty far in my career that I had no need to prove my worth to anyone, I think that confidence helped not having a problem not being a financial contributor for the family. Also my partner was at a point where she needed to build her career (also her loan forgiveness program required her to work full time), and me being at home gave her the space to do that.
-She also earned more money than I could so that was also a no brainer.
-I’m independent enough to not give a crap about gender roles, of course mom does things differently or that I can’t do, just acknowledge it and focus on what I can do.
-Prioritizing the health and develop needs of kid, the chores needed to keep the house up and running, and still protecting time for myself to exercise and have fuck around with shit time.