Sign In:

×

Last Step!

Please enter your public display name and a secure password.

Plan to post in the forums? Change your default forum handle here!

×
×

How To Name Your Kid To Become A Pro Ripper

I give up. I admit defeat. After twenty-two years I realize that my dream of becoming a pro skier is over. Never will I grace the cover of Powder Mag and you will definitely not see me in a segment of Almost Ablaze. That’s fine—life has other plans for me. As I reflect back on why this happened I have to place the blame on two people: my mom and dad. Not because they didn’t sign me up for ski school or drive me up to the mountains of New England each winter, but because they named me Jonathan. Have you ever heard of a pro-skier named Jonathan? With this name I feel destined to sell insurance or use the word “synergy” at a company picnic outside of Topeka, Kansas. I will not make the same mistake, however, when I name my future shredders. And luckily, I’m prepared to share my little secrets with you. When it comes to raising a future ripper, it all starts with the name.

Option A: Nature & Plants

In case you did not notice, most skiing takes place in the great outdoors. What better way to ensure your little rugrats end up on the podium of the FWT than by naming them after shit in nature? Names like Sage, Forrest, Kale, Fir, Carrot, and Leaf seem like a great place to start. Disclaimer: Your kid may also end up selling psychoactive drugs at Burning Man or use the phrase “totally organic” in every other sentence. But hey, what is life without a little risk.

He was named after this...

...an actual Sage plant

Option B: Names Ending in “er”

I have no fricken clue why this is a thing but it is. Want to see your little tyke “freeskiing” in the Olympics or X-Games, name him Shroder, Tanner, Tucker, Colter, Casper, or Jasper. Disclaimer: It takes a lot of laundry detergent to wash that many tall tees.

Colter Hinchliffe shredding pow thanks to the "er."

Option C: Two Letters

There are twenty-six letters in the alphabet. Literally take any two of these and stick them next to each other and bam, your snot-nosed kid can shred. There are literally 676 combinations of letters that allow you to create the next TGR athlete. Think JP, TJ, KC, and PK. Disclaimer: If you name your kid ZZ, he might feel the need to grow a large beard and pick up the guitar.

Option D: Named After a Physical Location

Do you know what kids and mountains have in common? Yes—they are both pretty expensive, but they also have names. Want to see your little pain in the ass throw down on some steeps? Name him Rainer, Jackson, Baker or McKinley. For the ladies, consider Sierra or Aspen. Disclaimer: If you name your kid Vail you are an asshole.

Forrest Shearer shredding the trees...coincidence?

There it is—the foolproof way to ensure your kids become pro skiers. In addition to following these tips, don’t forget to sign up for ski school, buy them new gear every season, pay for season passes, and instill a lifelong passion for the sport in them. We’ve heard those things are also important—but they sound like a lot of work. 

I named my son Stowe Jackson…no joke.  By god, he better ski…

So i guess my daughter is screwed, we named her ‘Vail Yawgoo’ and call her GOO for short.

As for a name, you could go with J D, shred Des or Johnny Boy.  Don’t give up, you can come up with a cool ski name and hopefully live up to it. 

Later from the state with ‘the claim to fame’ of the lowest starting elevation of any ski area in the US

McKinley?  ....no disrespect to McKinley as a civil war here and advocate of sound money and the Gold Standard, but I named my girl Denali because that’s how the natives know it…..and now how the rest of US know it as well. 

As for my Denali, she is seven, we get out to the mountains a few times a year, she can hang on the black diamonds and catch air….and she can ride her mountain bikeclike a champ too….she has fun and loves being outside….and that’s the most important part!

Three days after this article, I climbed Rainier. Had just found out wife was pregnant. Came to terms with fatherhood at 12 or 13000 feet. Came home, told wife, Rainier is my son’s name.

Play
READ THE STORY
Locals and Friends Celebrate the Life of Sam Coffey at Aspen Mountain
Up Next News

Locals and Friends Celebrate the Life of Sam Coffey at Aspen Mountain

Locals and Friends Celebrate the Life of Sam Coffey at Aspen Mountain

Fitting for the memorial of a man who touched so many lives and left lasting positive impressions, a crowd estimated at over 1,000 gathered on top of Aspen Mountain on Monday to celebrate the life of Sam Coffey. RELATED: Sam Coffey and The Freaks - Aspen's Fastest Ski Gang Coffey died unexpectedly from a series of strokes while vacationing in Mexico on May 20. He was 29. With remembrance speeches given by family and friends, the group talked about and paid homage to Coffey. The Aspen-based

Play
READ THE STORY
Skier Injured on Cody Peak Outside JHMR
Up Next News

Skier Injured on Cody Peak Outside JHMR

Skier Injured on Cody Peak Outside JHMR

Cody Peak as seen from the top of the Tram. Wikimedia photo. A skier fell off a ridge on Jackson’s Cody Peak yesterday, falling 1,000 feet and injuring both legs.The man, identified as 24-year-old Stephen Sherk by the JH News and Guide, was rescued by Teton County Search and Rescue via short haul. RELATED: Avalanche Traps 13 Cyclists in Glacier National Park Sherk was skiing with a group when he slipped on ice, falling off the west side of the ridge connecting Cody Peak and Jackson Hole

Play
READ THE STORY
Human Powered: Uphill Endurance meets Freeriding in Red Bull Raid
Up Next Ski

Human Powered: Uphill Endurance meets Freeriding in Red Bull Raid

Human Powered: Uphill Endurance meets Freeriding in Red Bull Raid

Every freeride competition seems to start a little like this: 3-2-1—dropping! Not Red Bull Raid. Instead, things go a bit more like 3-2-1—start skinning. Before competitors can even think about hitting cliffs or stomping tricks on their line, they have to first reach it. Finding the blend between endurance racing and big mountain riding, Red Bull Raid is a unique human-powered approach to traditional freeriding events. It’s the same old gnarly skiing and snowboarding, just with a bit