The most offensive joke thread

[skerrane]

Old Mr Cohen is 85 years old and after scooping the 125 million dollar lottery jackpot, decides to throw a big party for all of his friends and family.
Everyone from the local Jewish community is invited and everyone has a great time. At the end of the evening, Mr Cohen is asked to make a speech. He gets up on stage and asks his family to join him.
Mr Cohen picks up the mike and says, " I would like to thank everyone for coming tonight to help me celebrate my lottery win. I would also like to say a big thankyou to my wife, who has been at my side for so many years. I met her just before the war in Poland and we fell in love. Shortly after we got married the German invaded and we were both shipped off to Aushwitz. I cannot tell you the horrors that I saw and suffered but my wife helped me through such a terrible time. After the war ended and we were liberated, I suffered from nightmares, but my wife was always there to comfort me."
" I would also like to thank our Rabbi, who helped me understand that even though I have suffered greatly in my life, God is still watching over me and loves me."
" I would now like to give my biggest thanks to Adolf Hitler.............."
At this anouncement, the whole room is deathly quiet, with all the guests in visible shock.
The Rabbi turns to Mr Cohen and asks, " My son, what could you possible have to thank that monster Adolf Hitler for?"
Mr Cohen rolls up his sleeve and points to his wrist and say, " Well, he did pick my winning numbers

[sleepEhead]

The Rabbi turns to Mr Cohen and asks, " My son, what could you possible have to thank that monster Adolf Hitler for?"
Mr Cohen rolls up his sleeve and points to his wrist and say, " Well, he did pick my winning numbers

Offensive was just taken to a whole new level.

Hitler is a decent golf player...but has a glaring hole in his game.
He can't get out of the bunker.

[timstich]

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?













He wiped his ass.

[Deep Days]

There is no "I" in rape.

[Munch]

A monkey is hanging off a branch. What do you call the black guy hanging next to the monkey?





Assistant Branch Manager

[Skiermike]

There's a lot of hellen keller jokes out there so this one might have already been posted, but...

Q: How many hands does Hellen Keller need to masturbate?

A: Two - One to do the deed, one to moan.

[beans13]

Ok, just some hippie jokes...

whats more dumb than a box of rocks??
the hippie that carries it accross the country.

How do you get 20 hippies into a phone booth? Throw in a joint.
How do you get them out? Throw in a bar of soap.

Why did the hippie cross the road?
Who else would follow a chicken around?

How do ya tell if a hippy chick is on the rag?
She's only got one sock.

What do you call a hippy with a haircut?
The defendant.

I love me some hippie jokes

[schindlerpiste]

A guy takes his wife to the Doctor...

The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimers disease or AIDS."

"What do you mean?" The guy says, "You can't tell the difference?"

"Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what.. Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don't fuck her."

[schindlerpiste]

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mother...!!


Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.


Q: A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
A: Dating children.



Q: Do you know why women fake orgasm?
A: Because men fake foreplay.



Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelery.



Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A: A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody
at the party except you.

[bluefacedflyingpig]

Certainly not the most offensive...

How do you get a one armed hippie out of tree?


Wave to him.


A wee bit more offensive...

Why were all the gays able to quickly move out of San Francisco after the earthquake?


All their shit was already packed.

bffp

[2nd mate]

this is pretty tasteless. the santa one is just plain funny

[StankyPanky]

Whats the best thing about having sex with twenty-one year olds?

There's 20 of them

[afie]

Q: How many wrinkles does a cunt have?
A: Smile and ill count 'em.

Q: Whats long, hard, and fucks New Zealanders?
A: High School.

God Bless Rodney.

[peterslovo]

I remember this one from childhood:

On a snowy winter's day, a Pollack, black, and a Jew are standing on the street corner, waiting for the light to change. Out of nowhere, a bus slides right into them, killing all three on the spot.

For reasons unbeknownst to them, they happen to find themselves in Hell. However, they happen to catch the devil in a good mood, and he says "For $20 I'll let you all go back, your lives fully restored".

There's some discussion, and the Pollack opens his wallet, whips out a $20, and hands it to the Devil. There is a white flash and he finds himself standing on the same street corner where - seemingly to him - he just died.

So the Pollack walks home and finds his wife there, crying. She is astounded at seeing him, and unbelieving. Though it only seemed to him that he was gone a couple hours, he was in fact considered dead for several days. I guess time works differently in Hell.

Anyway, it takes him some time to calm her down and tell the story.

She listens, and finally collects herself, and asks "So what happened to the other two?"

Pollack answers "Well, when I left, the Jew had the Devil down to $18.50 and the black said he'd be getting a check from the government any day now".

[beans13]

haha
lol
Got some looks from people around me

[willywhit]

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy. "Put your finger in me..." she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. "Put two fingers in...", she says. So in goes another one. She's really starting to get worked up when she says, "Put your whole hand in!". The guy's like, "Ok!". So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud "Put both your hands inside of me!!!". So the guy puts both of his hands in! "Now clap your hands..." commands the girl. "I can't", says the guy. The girl looks at him and says "See, I told you I had a tight pussy!".

A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent!". The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter." The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!"

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"

John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office. After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy. John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group. To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex. He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised. He then asks, how many had sex once a week? This time a larger number of hands were raised. John then asks how many had sex once or twice a month? Again a few hands were raised. After John polled his group several more times he noticed one guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face. John noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex. The guy said, �Once a year!� To John's dismay, he responds, �Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year?� The grinning guy responds, "Tonight�s the night!"

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

[Jukes]

What do a tumble weed and a homosexual have in common?

They both blow, and blow, and blow, until they get tangled in a barbed wire fence in wyoming......

Wow, that was a bad one! A moment of silence for Matthew Shepard

And now on to my contribution:

Q: Why do all the ladies like Jesus so much?

A: Because he's hung like this! (hold out hands so you look crucified, but could also be indicating penis length as long as your armspan)


Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?

A: Pick him up and give him a blowjob

[Caucasian Asian]

Might be a repost but i'm too lazy to go back and look...

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.

[Superstar Punani]

Q: What does a bad golfer and sex killer have in common?
A: Both take a few slices before putting it in the whole

[coreshot-tourettes]

Have you heard the title of Salman Rushdie's new book?

"Buddha is a Fat Cunt".

And us Buddhists go "Hey, that's pretty funny."

[Skier_Dan]

what goes round and round and makes a "tap tap tap" sound every 3 seconds?


A baby in a microwave.

[bluespark]

so a Baby Seal walks into a Club.....

[RagDoll]

what's red and can't turn around in a hallway?

a baby with a javelin through its throat.

You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

[wicked]

What's the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of dead babies?
you can unload ONE of those trucks with a pitchfork.

I think this is the best one.

[String]

What is the opposite of Christopher Reeves?

























Christopher Walken!!!!!