New Rules from Real Time with Bill Maher

[FrankZappa]

Ahh, yes. More political drivel, but heh, this show is entertaining considering it's pol-yuck-tics, and in a somewhat bashing / foul mouthed TGR-ish sorta way.

I liked the grande finale last week.

Some of the stuff he brings up is just... well... err... Aw, just judge for yourself.

from April 13, 2007

...
And finally, New Rule: Now that liberals have taken back the word, "liberal," they also have to take back the word, "elite." By now, you've heard the constant right-wing attacks on the "elite" media and the liberal "elite," who may or may not be part of the Washington "elite," a subset of the East Coast "elite," which is overly influenced by the Hollywood "elite." So, basically, unless you're a sh*t-kicker from Kansas, you're with the terrorists.

You know, if you played a drinking game where you did a shot every time Rush Limbaugh attacked someone for being elite, you'd almost be as wasted as Rush Limbaugh.

I - I don't get it. In other fields outside of government, "elite" is a good thing, like an "elite" fighting force; Tiger Woods is an "elite" golfer. If I need brain surgery, I'd like an "elite" doctor. But, in politics, "elite" is bad. The "elite" aren't down to earth and accessible like you and me and President Sh*t-for-brains.

Which is fine, except that whenever there's a Bush Administration scandal, it always traces back to some incompetent political hack appointment, and you think to yourself, where are they getting these screw-ups from? Well, now we know. From Pat Robertson. I'm not kidding.

Take Monica Goodling, who, before she resigned last week, because she's smack in the middle of the U.S. Attorneys scandal, was the third-ranking official in the Justice Department of the United States. She's 33 years old. And though she never even worked as a prosecutor, she was tasked with overseeing the job performance of all 93 U.S. Attorneys.

How do you get to the top that fast? Harvard? Princeton? No, Goodling did her undergraduate work at Messiah College. You know, Messiah, home of the Fighting Christ-ies? And then went on to attend Pat Robertson's law school. Yes, Pat Robertson, the man who said that the presence of gay people at Disney World would cause earthquakes, tornadoes and possibly a meteor, has a law school.

And what kid wouldn't want to attend? It's three years, and you only have to read one book. U.S. News & World Report, which does the definitive ranking of colleges, lists Regent as a Tier Four school, which is the lowest score it gives. It's not a hard school to get into. You have to renounce Satan and draw a pirate on a matchbook.

This is for people who couldn't get into the University of Phoenix.

Now, would you care to guess how many graduates of this televangelist's diploma mill work in the Bush Administration? 150. And you wonder why things are so messed up. We're talking about a top Justice Department official who went to a college funded by a TV host. Would you send your daughter to Maury Povich U.? And if you did, would you expect her to get a job at the White House?

In 200 years, we've gone from "We, the people," to "Up With People." From "the best and the brightest" to "dumb and dumber." And where better to find people dumb enough to believe in George Bush than Pat Robertson's law school?

The problem here in America isn't that the country is being run by "elites." It's that it's being run by a bunch of hayseeds. And, by the way, the lawyer Monica Goodling just hired to keep her a$$ out of jail, went to a real law school.

[Steven S. Dallas]

This is for people who couldn't get into the University of Phoenix

The Secretary of Transportation "went" to the University of Phoenix. These people are dummies.

[stump832]

I just enrolled at Maury Povich U.

STOKED

[FrankZappa]

Oh yeah... and since this is "MUSIC, books and movies" forum - I better throw this part in too:

New Rule: Stop telling me that vinyl records sound warmer than CDs. I was alive in the '70s, you dip-shit hipsters. I know what vinyl sounds like. Scratchy. And when your friend throws you the bong and it hits the tone arm, your Foghat record is ruined, man! Plus, when you've got a chick over and you're getting your groove on, every 20 minutes, you've got get up out of the beanbag chair and flip over the Ray Stevens album.

Soooo true!

[The Dad]

"You have to renounce Satan and draw a pirate on a matchbook."

Good shit, that.

[PNWbrit]

One of his very best pieces

"May God bless you richly as you continue your service to America" - from Monica Goodling's resignation letter to Gonzales submitted shortly after claiming the fifth to Congressional enquiry

[bio-smear]

A pirate turtle?

That's some funny shit.

The Fighting Christ-ies!

[FrankZappa]

Now, would you care to guess how many graduates of this televangelist's diploma mill work in the Bush Administration? 150. And you wonder why things are so messed up.

I'm surprised nobody commented on this one... cuz that the part that blew my mind. I Mean HOLY SHIT!!!: 150!!!

[Steven S. Dallas]

Yeah, I knew about that number. It's pretty scary. I have no doubt that smart people go to that school, because they also happen to be crazy religious, but it ain't Yale*.










* People go there because they're gay.

[uncle crud]

Pretty funny, but it's not like you have to go to an Ivy, or a "public Ivy", or a "little Ivy" or a "Seven Sisters" school to have a clue.

I mean, GW Bush has a Yale u-grad and Harvard MBA. What does that tell you about the elite selectivity and brain nurturing/farming at the Ivies?

Let's not be as one-minded as Pat Robertson here. Going to a supposedly "prestigious" or "elite" college means only 2 things.

1) You are attending a school that most fucking moronic Americans practically worship as if it were The Ultimate Deity

2) You are more likely than not going to be dead flat broke for decades while you repay the outlandish clusterfucking overpriced tuition.

[Tippster]

Dude.

If there were 150 Harvard Grads it would be weird. 150 folks from an institution whose basis is a very specific religious and Political indoctrination is somewhat circumspect, especially since they're barely accredited.

[Steven S. Dallas]

Let's not be as one-minded as Pat Robertson here. Going to a supposedly "prestigious" or "elite" college means only 2 things.

The irony of this statement is not lost on me, in case you were worried.

[FrankZappa]

I've been hearing a lil about the bees and thier problem. As much as I don't get along with those lil shits, It bugs me that this wierd thing is happening to them. Next time I have a HUDGE hornets nest I think I'll call a bee whisperer instead of using a can of killer.

This weeks
April 20, 2007

All right, bloody New Rule: Blind people can't go hunting. To have to even say this. Texas just passed a bill permitting blind people to use laser sights so they can hunt with a friend who tells them where to aim. Why not just pick up the phone and pay some goombah to have a deer whacked? Or, better yet, just let the blind guy shoot your gun, and tell him, "Wow, you got one!" You know, there's a name for someone with no vision who fancies himself a hunter: Mitt Romney.

New Rule: If you see the word "Compact" on a parking space–it's not a verb. It doesn't mean, take your SUV and compact it in here. That is annoying.

New Rule: Fred Thompson must run for president. I don't know what he stands for and I don't care. I just want to see how all the social conservatives deal with his hot trophy wife. She's 25 years his junior and dresses like Britney Spears. And every time Thompson sees her, his penis goes– ["Law & Order" intro music sound]

New Rule: Kenyans have to stop coming here to this country and winning our marathons. They're pouring over our borders and winning the marathons American runners could be winning. And I hope nobody does anything about it so we can all watch Bill O'Reilly get really mad and punch Geraldo in the face.

New Rule: You can't use sarcasm about people who think you're an idiot if you're an idiot. This week, Britney Spears went on a sarcastic screed about people who think she needs help. Then her dress fell off, she carved a swastika in her forehead and ran over her tits with a car. Which raises a question that's been bothering me for some time: can you un-masturbate to someone?

And, finally, New Rule: From now on, Earth Day really must be a year-round thing. And...and in honor of this Earth Day, starting Monday, supermarket clerks must stop putting the big bottle of detergent with the handle on it, in a plastic bag. I don't mean to tell you how to do your job, but you see that handle you just lifted the detergent with? I could use that same handle to carry the detergent to my car.

And while we're at it, stop putting my liquor in a smaller paper sack before you put it in the big paper sack with my other stuff. What, are you afraid my groceries will think less of me if they see I've been drinking? Trust me, the broccoli doesn't care, and the condoms, they already know.

So, here's a quote from Albert Einstein. He said, if the bee disappeared off the surface of the globe, then man would only have four years of life left. No more bees, no more pollination. No more plants. No more animals. No more man. Well, guess what? The bees are disappearing in massive numbers all around the world. And if you think I'm being alarmist, and that, "Oh, they'll figure out some way to pollinate the plants." No, they've tried.

For a lot of what we eat, only bees work. And they're not working. They're gone. It's called "colony collapse disorder," when the hive's inhabitants suddenly disappear and all that's left are a few queens and some immature workers. Like when a party winds down at Elton John's house. Queens imagery.

But, I think we are the ones suffering from colony collapse disorder. Because, although nobody really knows for sure what's killing the bees, it's not Al Qaeda, and it's not God doing some of his Old Testament shtick. And it's not Winnie the Pooh. It's us. It could be from pesticides or genetically-modified food or global warming, or the high fructose corn syrup we started to feed them.

Recently, it was discovered that bees won't fly near cell phones. The electromagnetic signals they emit might screw up the bees' navigation system, knocking them out of the sky. So, thanks, big mouth guy in line at Starbucks. You just killed us.

It's nature's way of saying, "Can you hear me now?"

Last week, I asked, if it solved global warming, would you give up the TV remote and go back to carting your fat a$$ over to the television set every time you wanted to change the channel. If it comes down to the cell phone versus the bee, will we choose to literally blather ourselves to death? Will we continue to tell ourselves that we don't have to solve environmental problems, we can just adapt? Build sea walls instead of stopping the ice caps from melting. Don't save the creatures of the earth in the oceans; just learn to eat the slime and the jellyfish that nothing can kill; like Chinese restaurants are already doing.

You know what? Maybe you don't need to talk on your cell phone all the time. Maybe you don't need a bag when you buy a keychain. Americans throw out 100 billion plastic bags a year, and they all take 1,000 years to decompose. Your children's children's children will never know you, but they'll know you once bought batteries at the 99-cents Store because the bag will still be caught in a tree. Except there won't be any trees.

Sunday is Earth Day. Please educate someone about the birds and the bees. Because, without bees, humans become the canary in the coal mine. And we make bad canaries, because we're already such sheep.

[snowbandit]

interesting lol

[Tippster]

This just in: Hornets, wasps, and Yellow Jackets AREN'T BEES!

[FrankZappa]

Don't they take a big part in the pollination process too, like bees?

cuz I'da put 'em in the same family.

[Tippster]

No. They do not.

Bees

Wasps

[Tristano]

bill maher is the shieeett

[FrankZappa]

Finally caught the season ender... I thought it was not only entertaining but Right on! - all the way around.

Thanks Bill, don't get fired (again) & keep up the good work.

May 25, 2007

New Rule: "The View" must be renamed, "Morning Cat Fight." Barbara, Joy, get out of the way and let these two have at it! I want to see Rosie introduce the Republican chick to lesbianism, the hard way. [slide of Rosie O'Donnell in dominatrix outfit from film, "Exit to Eden"]

New Rule: Fashion and Wal-Mart don't mix. Wal-Mart's first attempt to sell designer clothing has been a huge flop. I wonder why. Oh, I know, because it's Wal-Mart. If your customers cared about fashion, they'd shop someplace classier, like the Salvation Army. The only fashion question a Wal-Mart shopper has is, "Can I get this in camouflage?" Okay, never mind. It's all right.

New Rule: You don't have to email me the pictures of everything your baby has ever done. The first step, his first sand castle, his first date with Demi Moore... I don't care. I mean, how many times do I have to say it? That's not my baby, Angelina!

New Rule: Rudy Giuliani has to bring the comb-over back. Americans haven't voted for a bald president since Eisenhower. Now, here's Rudy without the comb-over. [image of Nosferatu] And here he is with it! [image of John Edwards]

And finally, New Rule: Jimmy Carter must be shipped off to Guantanamo Bay. Last weekend, former U.S. president and current Al Qaeda operative--Jimmy Carter, launched an unprovoked attack upon democracy itself by telling an Arkansas newspaper that the Bush Administration has been the worst in history. And people were shocked... Arkansas has newspapers?!

But, once again, we were sucked into a phony controversy about who said what and how it hurts George Bush's feelings. Because when you hurt George Bush, you hurt America's feelings; and when you hurt America's feelings, you hurt the troops. And when that happens, Tinker Bell's light goes out and she dies.

Now, as for Carter's assertion, I was up all night on Wikipedia doing an exhaustive study of former presidents. And while other presidents have sucked in their own individual ways, Bush is like a smorgasbord of "suck." He -- he combines the corruption of Warren G. Harding, the war-mongering of James Polk, and the abuse of power of Richard Nixon.

Nixon got in trouble for illegally wiretapping Democratic headquarters. Bush is illegally wiretapping the entire country!

Nixon opened up relations with the Chinese. Bush let them poison your dog.

Herbert Hoover, who was literally named after a machine that sucks--sat on his ass through four years of Depression, but he was an actual engineer. And if someone told him about global warming, he would have understood it before the penguins caught on fire.

Ulysses S. Grant let his cronies loot the republic, but he won his Civil War.

Harding...Harding sucked, but he once said, "I am not fit for this office and never should have been here." So at least he knew he sucked. He never walked offstage like Bush does after one of his embarrassing, language-mangling press conferences--with that smirk on his face like, "Nailed it!" Or maybe that's just the look you get when you have a showdown with the Democrats, and you win. Like he just did with Iraq. You don't get to become the worst president ever without a little help from the other side.

You know, I like Jimmy Carter, but when the -- when the Republican "fake outrage" machine pretended to be so upset at his remarks, Carter did what Democrats do, and backed down. He said his words were careless and misquoted, and the sun was in his eyes, and his hearing aid went out, and he was molested by a clergyman.

Instead of looking them in the eye and saying, "No, I meant what I said because it's true! And speaking as the first citizen of Habitat for Humanity, let me take out my Jimmy Carter toolbox and build you a house where we can meet, and you can blow me."

[Benny Profane]

Back to Goodling. I was impressed last week, when she testified before Congress with immunity, how the "elite" media outlets refrained from telling us all about her....qualifications. That must have taken a ton of restraint.