SOMEONE CALL ME NOW!!!

**shmoesmith** · 04-05-2007, 12:16 AM

The shrink gave me this prescription to control my flashbacks and insomnia and nightmares. It didn't work. I still had nightmares last night about my wife. I still woke up all fucked up. On top of that, after the meds, all sound sounded like it was under water and life was in slow motion. It really scared me. I guess it stopped the flashbacks..but that was because I couldn't feel anything. I was numb to everything. People talked to me and they were like bobble head dolls. their heads and mouths moved, but nothing they said made sense. Nothing made sense until the prescription wore off.

This prescription scares me. Confusion, nausia, and disorientation are known side effects. I only took a 1/2 dose of the lowest mg. rated pill. I don't think I will take it any more. Alcohol seems to work. My brain processes everythign as information only when drunk. It doesn't attach emotion. If I am drunk, i won't kill myself. I don't want to be drunk. I hate being drunk. I don't like the loss of control. But it stops it....the suicidal thoughts. Everthing is just information when drunk. No emotions attached. I need help. nothing seems to work right anymore.

This week I am trying to live completely alone. It's not going so well. I don't want to be a burden to my friends though. I have been a pain in the ass enough already. People die. I should be able to deal with it. I can't though. They shouldn't have to deal with my sorry ass. Nothing makes sense anymore.. I don't know. Life doesn't seem worth living for.

my passion for life is gone. nothing is good anymore. Everything I enjoyed in life is just a passing event. Nothing has anything attached to it. I don't feel like there is a reason to live. friends are not enough. Family is not enough. They will get over me if I die. I must find a reason on my own. I don't have a reason though. Nothing seems worth it. If I am gone, people will get over me. They will have to. Sure, it will piss them off. Yes, it will be emotionally hard, but they will get over me. They must live on. I am nothing special. I am not worth grieving over.

If I go, I will just be like my wife. Everyone will make a big deal over it for a few weeks, but that is it. Peopel will get over me. I will die and that will be the end of it. no more pain. No more suffering. I cry as I write this, but I can't help it. I just want to die. I just want to die.

I'm so fuckng sick of life. It's just not worth it.

edit: took out phone number to hide it from the spammers etc.

**dk_alaskan** · 04-05-2007, 12:25 AM

i tried calling you, PLEASE give me a call and let me know at the very least you are ok. I DON"T consider it a burden!!! call me collect if you don't have long distance

Eric

**dirtybryan** · 04-05-2007, 12:25 AM

Fuck, I just tried calling and he is not picking up... Like dk said my number is 518.829.0510.

**char** · 04-05-2007, 12:27 AM

Just talked to him. Someone in SLC needs to get someone there ASAP. And call me back!

Shmoe- Two numbers for crisis lines

National: 1-800-784-2433
Local: 801-261-1442

**GBB** · 04-05-2007, 12:37 AM

schmoe please don't do anything stupid there are a lot of people who care about you.

**Ripzalot** · 04-05-2007, 12:41 AM

maggots, please mobilize and get someone over to smoesmith ASAP!

smoesmith, it's a long road to recovery after such a tragedy. hang on and work thru it. don't give in to the bad thoughts. we may seem virtual at some level but this board is full of caring compassionate people. we're here to lean on if you need us.

vibes from switzerland .... i wish i could do more.

**dk_alaskan** · 04-05-2007, 12:44 AM

I am on the phone with him right now. he is calming down, but he may be on the upswing, PLEASE feel free to call me at home

**MTT** · 04-05-2007, 12:58 AM

Hey Doug!

I barely know you. I met you for one day of skiing but I care what happens to you.

Life sucks sometimes. Living always provides many wonderful things.
Hang in there until the next epic powder day or just take a nap and catch the sunrise.

You have been dealt a shitty hand but you have many years to experience the pleasant surprises that make life worth living

**squirrelmurphy** · 04-05-2007, 01:05 AM

Doug, hang in there man. Lots of people here care about you more than you know.

**dk_alaskan** · 04-05-2007, 01:06 AM

does anyone have shmoes address?

**Lonnie** · 04-05-2007, 01:12 AM

This is F-uped. I just woke up from my own nightmare and now I fear I'm in another one. Called like the rest. No answer.

EDIT: Just spoke with Dk's Ak's sis, I think. They are working hard pulling something together. Big thanks GUYS!!!

Doug, I don't know you, but I've been VERY close to where your are now, home alone with the mindset, the tools and the talent. Reading you story seems like reading a short history of myself. I know is rings hollow now, but trust me, it gets better. Much better.

**dk_alaskan** · 04-05-2007, 01:26 AM

he is going to bed right now, i will post up more here soon. on the phone with a mag.

**Lonnie** · 04-05-2007, 01:28 AM

DK,

Feel free to give Doug my # if you think he needs it. I'm here local.

Thanks again,
L

**Darkside** · 04-05-2007, 01:31 AM

Just talked to Doug, sounds like dk ak helped him get to a better place. He's going to sleep, but I'm sure it'd be good for him to hear from you all in the morning.

Hang in there Doug...I lost my best friend 2 weeks ago, and he was a dog, but he was like my child...it gets easier, and you've got a lot of amazing things to live, i promise that it's worth it.

**dk_alaskan** · 04-05-2007, 01:32 AM

Shmoe is on his way to bed, he has calmed down a little bit, but still feels he has nothing going for him. he NEEDS to get out and rip some turns. He is VERY worried about being a burden on us all right now.

He has promised to call me in the am, TGR swear. But if anybody has his addy, can you email it to me via the email function on my profile?

If anyone wants to, please feel free to give me a call right now. i wil be up for a bit longer

**C_Free** · 04-05-2007, 01:39 AM

Just remember Schmoe you have the whole board behind you. Mags everywhere will support you and help in any way possible.

**mountain_man** · 04-05-2007, 01:40 AM

shmoesmith we do care about you, i not going to say i know what your going through but i do feel your pain. tried calling but somethings wrong with the international exchange. I you need someone to talk to add me on messenger or email me: mossko@gmail.com, i'll be online @ strange hours, early in the morning as i'm in Australia, 18hrs in front of America. Hang in there. Nick

**rungsp** · 04-05-2007, 02:37 AM

There are loads of good people here wiling to do whatever they can. They care.
Doug, one day at a time mate, time is a healer....eventually.
If you need somebody to talk to at wierd times (I'm in the UK, so 7 hours ahead of you) do feel 100% free to give me a call 01144 7887 545 286.

**fiddler** · 04-05-2007, 02:38 AM

My wife just talked to Doug and someone was at his door by the end of their conversation. He promised to call some people in the morning. Times are tough but not hopeless.

**Roo** · 04-05-2007, 03:09 AM

Originally Posted by shmoesmith

I don't feel like there is a reason to live. friends are not enough. Family is not enough. They will get over me if I die. I must find a reason on my own. I don't have a reason though. Nothing seems worth it. If I am gone, people will get over me. They will have to. Sure, it will piss them off. Yes, it will be emotionally hard, but they will get over me. They must live on. I am nothing special. I am not worth grieving over.

If I go, I will just be like my wife. Everyone will make a big deal over it for a few weeks, but that is it. Peopel will get over me. I will die and that will be the end of it.

You of all people should know that it doesn't work like that. Take the help at hand. I can't imagine how tough things are for you but you need to find ways to climb out of this self-destructive spiral.

I was listening to an interview the other day with the father of a girl murdered in Japan. When asked how he coped with the grief, he replied that he had to force himself not to divert all his attention to what was now a black hole when there were others who needed his love and his support.

**valleygirl** · 04-05-2007, 04:34 AM

Schmoe... stay...

May the morning sun bring you peace... and hope.

+++++++++++++++++++

**dirtybryan** · 04-05-2007, 04:53 AM

Sending some positive vibes your way. +++++++

**shmoesmith** · 04-05-2007, 04:56 AM

Originally Posted by fiddler

My wife just talked to Doug and someone was at his door by the end of their conversation. He promised to call some people in the morning. Times are tough but not hopeless.

That someone was the police. I guess one of the maggots called them. The police weren't convinced I was done with my emotional attack. They (against my wishes) ended up cuffing me and taking me to the emergency room. I just got released and back to my house(I live almost across the street from the hospital).

I am thoroughly humiliated..lI have never been handcuffed and taken away in a cop car before, however I am thankful to whoever called the police over to my home. While I don't think I would done anything because DK Alaskan did a good job of calming me down(thank you so much), I don't know what would have taken place otherwise. I am thankful that the collective took me seriously. If certain individuals had taken my wife seriously, and had taken the action that someone on here took, she might be alive today. That said, I may be alive because someone took action tonight. Thank you.

-Doug

**Lonnie** · 04-05-2007, 05:23 AM

I just got off the phone with Doug. I think he's pretty wiped out (mentally & physically) at this point (understatement of the day right there). Tough night coupled with no sleep. But he's HERE and that's what matters most.

He was very thankful to all the MAGS that reached out to help. I think he's going to skip work today and try to get some rest.

Doug, I'm off Friday. Let's go do that bike ride...

L