work bathrooms = SLAY3D

[lemon boy]

I'd love to agree with you guys, but only in North America (Fuck Yeah) - no one else in the world calls that shit booze

We don't call it booze either retard.

[Peewee]

A guy at work told me the funniest poop story I've heard in a while at work yesterday. He was in the Dominican Republic on his mission (yes, unfortunately he is a mormon) and he got sick from the water. He felt like he was going to throw up after a while, so he took off running to the bathroom. What he did not realize was that someone had just taken a shower in the bathroom, so the floor was still wet. He hit the bathroom at a dead run trying to make it to the toilet on time and slipped on the slick floor. The sudden movement caused him to instantly throw up, and as it turned out he also exerted enough energy in that moment to make himself shit his pants as well. He slayed himself and the entire bathroom, not just the toilet!

[snowsprite]

Now I know what an awful person I am!
(LMAO)

Sprite

[Rontele]

Chile Relleno burrito smothered in green from El Taco De Mexico after biking at 930 pm last = MAJOR SLAYING ABOUT TO COMMENCE.

[eDub]

(yes, unfortunately he is a mormon)

I'm not Morman, but WTF is that supposed to mean?

[Dr. Send]

I'm not Morman, but WTF is that supposed to mean?

It means that mormons are big hair-headed ass-crappers.

[goofygrin]

Don't forget:
Helpin' some mexicans cross the border
droppin' depth charges

All I know is that I work on a floor with 3 other guys and the shitters (2 of them) are ALWAYS full with full on boar like grunting... damn interlopers from other floors are using our shitters!

Forgot:
On the return trip of my 4th of july trip to Colorado, about 1/2 a hour outside of Wichita Falls, we stop to water the dogs and the potty and stretch our legs... I was trying to be nice and I changed my 6month old's diaper... Well I guess I didn't get it on right because as we're pulling out of the rest area, he lets a HUGE 2 day's worth of breastmilk load into the carseat and all over the back seat. My wife was so traumatized. You see, she was sitting in the backseat with him and she saw him lift his leg, she noticed the diaper was in his asscrack instead of around his ass, then she saw his oring expand and blow out the opening salvo. She STUCK HER HAND IN TO TRY AND MINIMIZE THE DAMAGE FROM THE FOLLOWING VOLLEYS!.

He rode home on a towel in a diaper in the carseat without the cover. It took 30 minutes to clean up the car at the gas station.

[fez]

alright, here i am posting in the fart and bathroom thread in one day. yes, it is kind of slow at work today and i just had to share this story.

so this morning, i have gotten to work, had a cup of coffee and feel the rumblings begin. no problem, swing by the break room on my way down to the bathroom and grab a section of the paper.
i get to the can, look down and some mother fucker has skid marked the toilet seat!! thats right, right in the back of the seat there is a big brown stripe. muttering something about filthy bastards, and feeling a little urgent, i head down yet another floor to the basement. i get there, apparently in a bit too much of a hurry because i didnt lock the door.

sitting there, reading the paper, having a moment of peace to myself, a guy i work with just opens the door. we both look at each other with a look of surprise, he says sorry and shuts the door. WTF is with that? the door is shut, its never shut unless someone is in there (closed but not latched sure). I mean, how about a knock for christ sake?

anyways, just had to rant and knew this was the place.

[Orange Julius]

I've yet to figure out what to say in that situation.

[Rontele]

fez, I feel your pain. I always double check by looking for feet in the opening.

[Orange Julius]

This reminds me of another tale. A group was up climbing the Emmons Glacier on Mt. Rainier awhile back. It was about 2am as they were getting ready to leave Emmons Flats, above Camp Schurman. The lead guy told his group of about 6 that "Kate" was over there "using the bathroom", so they should stay over here. Of course the instinctual response when he said "over there" was for six headlamps to all swivel over to catch her squatting with a huge brown banana dropping. She was pretty mortified.

[fez]

fez, I feel your pain. I always double check by looking for feet in the opening.

this wasnt even a stall, we have a pretty small office (around 50 people) and only have one holers. it was the actual closed door to the bathroom this guy just opened without a knock. I dont get it, as far as i am concerned the only reason to do something like that is because you WANT to catch someone duking it out.

[NorCascader]

Kate was growing a monkey tale

[Stone-Free]

This reminds me of another tale. A group was up climbing the Emmons Glacier on Mt. Rainier awhile back. It was about 2am as they were getting ready to leave Emmons Flats, above Camp Schurman. The lead guy told his group of about 6 that "Kate" was over there "using the bathroom", so they should stay over here. Of course the instinctual response when he said "over there" was for six headlamps to all swivel over to catch her squatting with a huge brown banana dropping. She was pretty mortified.

The FUNNIEST thing I've heard all day

[snow_slider]

From the chronnicles of Poop Chat I give you the following:

snowslider] : a full pound of homemade beef jerkey for dinner - $10 bucks
half a bag of dried Fuji apples for a late night snack - $3 bucks
highmarking the work toilet with a shotgun blast loose shit - Priceless

[seth] : esp. if landis gets it going into sunday. it will no longer be a
ceremonial stage like usual at the Champs Elysees

[snowslider] : that's what I was thinking

[seth] : hahaha

[seth] : 'highmarking'

[snowslider] : it was ummm.....messy

[snowslider] : sounded like a gallon of sludge hitting a puddle after being
dropped from the third story of a building

[snowslider] : SPLOOSH!

[seth] : BLAT

[snowslider] : I slayed that bathroom. I went in fully armed and completely
unloaded.

[snowslider] : I think I managed to backsplash a feew drops completely out of
the toilet and onto the bathroom floor. I guess I better check the back of my
shirt....

[snowslider] : damn, that jerky is potent stuff

[goofygrin]

There's a two holer here at work. ones a big handicapped one.

I'm in there playing a little cell phone solitare and some dumb fuck knocks on the door... WTF? The door is closed and the other shitter's door is open. Use the obviously UNOCCUPIED one...

[Millsie]

I've had a tough week. Golf outing on Wed. and Cubs game yesterday. I just went and took a piss, flushed and zipped up. Turned around and farted-crapped my pants. Good thing I work at home.

[fez]

There's a two holer here at work. ones a big handicapped one.

I'm in there playing a little cell phone solitare and some dumb fuck knocks on the door... WTF? The door is closed and the other shitter's door is open. Use the obviously UNOCCUPIED one...

hahaha so glad to hear i'm not the only one who plays games in his cell phone while slaying the bathroom. I'm more of a tetris guy myself though.

[Cornholio]

I hate trying to answer the guy that knocks. You never know if it's your boss or the summer student, so any reply that actually expresses your exasperation is out.

[Pow4Brains]

I admit I have not read EVERY page, and what I have read is poop related, but this morning I walked in to the bathroom and there’s a dude standing at the sink buck figgin’ naked. Apparently, he had just got out of the shower (Yes, there are showers IN A SEPARATE ROOM within the bathroom.) and felt the need to brush his teeth before getting dressed. Not my idea of breakfast sausage.

I am working on “the best ever”, long winded oops I crapped my pants story…….

[Squatch]

I hate trying to answer the guy that knocks. You never know if it's your boss or the summer student, so any reply that actually expresses your exasperation is out.

My response to this is to simply say "occupado!" I don't know why.

[slippy]

I've yet to figure out what to say in that situation.

'The boss said to make sure you're not masterbating in here again'

or

'Can I come in?'

or

'Whatcha reading?'

or

'Hey! how was your weekend?'

or

maybe something else.

[snowsprite]

LMAO! You should have slapped his ass.

As for your long-winded pant-crapping story, please post it on a monday or tuesday as those are normally particularly excruciating days for me in my cubicle. Thanks in advance!

Sprite

I admit I have not read EVERY page, and what I have read is poop related, but this morning I walked in to the bathroom and there’s a dude standing at the sink buck figgin’ naked. Apparently, he had just got out of the shower (Yes, there are showers IN A SEPARATE ROOM within the bathroom.) and felt the need to brush his teeth before getting dressed. Not my idea of breakfast sausage.

I am working on “the best ever”, long winded oops I crapped my pants story…….

[Pow4Brains]

LMAO! You should have slapped his ass.

As for your long-winded pant-crapping story, please post it on a monday or tuesday as those are normally particularly excruciating days for me in my cubicle. Thanks in advance!

Sprite

Sprite I apologize for the delay, but as requested, hopefully this will make your Monday a little less mundane………..


What’s THAT feeling: A buddy of mine had spent the night before out on the town drinking buck fiddy Old Milwaukees and decided his head had enough of work and HAD to call it quits for the day. So he hopped on the Kennedy Expressway to expedite the sleeping process only to realize that he had to go RIGHT NOW (The Kennedy Expressway is pretty much a HOV lane with very few exits for those of you unfamiliar with Chitown.) 4 miles later, the next exit produced nothing but a Montgomery Wards. After frantically finding a parking space, he ran (butt cheeks clenched so tight he looked more like a retarded speed walker (much funnier reenacted!)) into the building, up to the information desk and asked where the bathroom was………“It’s in the back of the store on the 2nd floor.” as the “hottie” behind the counter pointed in the general direction of the bathroom. “Of course it is!”

More retarded speed walking: After contemplating waiting for the elevator was not an option, he quickly realized the stairs had their own challenges. By the last step the beaded sweat was now streaming down his face and that “greasy feeling” was starting to morph into something else. But alas, there it was, the BATHROOM!!! He flung the door open, fumbled with his belt, button and zipper, dropped trow and squatted, only to discover the mere act of bending at the waist was the final straw. Blown mud (pun every much intended) everywhere. His pants, socks, shoes, belt, EVERTHING from the waist down was covered in what was still some sort of liquid consisting of Old Milwaukee and that 3am purchase at Burger King with a very pungent smell. After realizing the magnitude of the eruption, he determined that everything but the wingtips had to go.

The clean up process begins: The pants, socks and underwear, trash. Saving the wingtips while dodging unsuspecting patrons between the sink and stall wasn’t the bad part, it was picking the pieces of feces out of all the little crevasses and dimples in a pair of wingtips that REALLY sucked. So there he stood in a shirt, tie and a very questionable pair of wingtips. What now? Try shaking out the pants and make a run for it? Nope, they’re gone. Just run out of the store and risk being arrested for streaking? Yeah, going to jail with no pants is a good idea! Wash the boxers out in the sink? How am I going to stop people from coming in while holding a shit covered pair of underwear? Oh the decisions…………This went on for what seemed like an eternity, and then, “Attention customers, please finish your shopping experience, we are closing in 15 minutes.”

But there’s hope: A janitor came into the bathroom to begin the night’s cleaning only to hear a whimper of a voice, “Psssst, hey, hey buddy, can you help me out here?” The janitor looks up to the edge of the stall to a peering set of eyes and says (envision a short inner city African America), “With whaaat?” He quickly explains his dilemma and asks him if he would be willing to buy him a pair of pants. The janitor immediately made a break for the door, but the pleas for help were so sincere and the offering of a purchase of up to 100 bucks for anything in the store could not be ignored. He quickly handed over his credit card and requested any pair of pants in a 32” x 34”, openly acknowledged that his predicament will be told to all the store employees and ensured him his credit card is good for a $100 purchase of his choice.

The waiting game: The minutes came and went with no return of the janitor and the bell was tolling. Thoughts of being locked in the building for the night became more realistic as the seconds ticked by. “What the fuck did I just do?!?!” He could see the headlines of the Tribune, CONFUSED NUDE MAN ARRESTED INSIDE MONTGOMERY WARDS AFTER HOURS. He had visions of the janitor down at the local watering hole buying shots on him (if he was a Maggot it would’ve been hookers and blow ;-))! But then, the door creaked open and the janitor appeared holding a brand new pair of spandex shorts! “Come on man, can’t you do better than that? I’ve been through a lot today.” “You’re in no position to set a fashion trend and thanks for the new watch.” the janitor giggled as he walked out of the bathroom.

The march begins: “It’s been 3 ½ hours, who’s really gonna notice?” Shirt, Tie, spandex and a wet pair of wingtips are all in line, head up, he walked out of the bathroom, passed customer service desk, housewares, young men’s and finally the information desk. “God I hope that hottie still isn’t working, yup still there.” He looked her straight in the eye and said, “By the way, thanks, I found the bathroom.”


Ok, maybe “best ever” was a little overstatement, but the fact my buddy even retells this story has to be proof of its worthiness. He’s a really animated guy and watching him reenact this story brought tears to my eyes! Hopefully I was able to do him justice. I know I haven’t heard a better oops I crapped my pants story though.

[snowsprite]

Just so you know...I see this but don't want to read it until I hit rock bottom, which should occur sometime later this afternoon once the glow of a great weekend has worn off!
thank you (and looking forward to the good, long read)

Sprite