About to turn 50 and am too tired to continue

[Core Shot]

I miss having joy. And I wish I could turn my brain off. I’d really like to sleep. But yeah, I’ve forgotten what joy is.

3:53 in the morning.

It’s still dark outside. You could shove something up your ass and no one would know.
But remember. You need to tie a leash to ass shoving items so you can pull them out without an embarrassing visit to the ED for retrieval

[Buzzworthy]

There’s a hudge difference between not wanting to live and wanting to kill yourself. I’ve not yet been in the latter category.
Even if you want to end it you have to realize how selfish it is. It rips a hole in anyone you know. Particularly kids. Which you have.

Here’s the thing that normal people do not seem to understand. When it goes that horribly dark, you don’t care about anything besides stopping the pain. It’s a laser focus. There is nothing else in your world besides escaping or ending that pain. It’s a horrible disease.

I’ve already tried to end it. I failed. That was a very difficult decision to make. But it’s now somehow just a little easier to make that decision again. Because now I’m also a failure that doesn’t want to stick around longer. It’s a horrible disease.

[gaijin]

Again. I'm here all night. Give us a ring, bro. What do you have to lose?

I have a lot to gain. And I'll pass that off on you.

[Core Shot]

I’m hardly normal.

But man. You are in deep. In serious need of outside help. As in all our fucking words of care or go ski or take a walk in the sun mean absolutely nothing.

You did say getting treatment could endanger your career. And yet. Killing yourself will end your career. And crush your kids.

Talk therapy is awesome. Having someone non judgmental listen is awesome. Being shrinked by your spouse must be brutal. My bride says it’s all so easy. Work harder. Exercise more. Get out there and smell the roses

. Fackkkk. I wish you the best. You are in deep. Wayyy deep. It’s hard to climb out of a hole. But don’t be afraid of reaching out to the system for a hand up.

There’s a thread for dead maggots. Some died pushing the edge. Which many of us have done for the thrill of living. But there’s also a few that checked out. Don’t be the latter. Please.

[gaijin]

Just a word of advice... eventually this window is going to close. Those around you that are offering their shoulders are going to go on with their lives. They're going to get up in the morning and cook breakfast for their kids. They're going to tend to other demands that respond to their efforts.

If you keep ignoring the efforts of those around you, those efforts will fade away.

Pay attention when things are heightened. Accept help when it's there, when you're asking for it.

It's gonna be hard to double-back.

[Trackhead]

When I was going through chemo a wise person told me “this too shall pass”. He was right.

Hope is meaningful, even if it’s just a feint glimmer.

Try to find some. It’s a start.

[Trackhead]

Agree with Bennymac, try ketamine. I think they might even don it intranasal now. No IV needed.

University of Utah does it.

Also, smoking weed never helped anyone. I’d avoid it. Optimize your brain chemistry.

[shera]

Well it’s clear I’m not the only one. Hope starting the conversation helps others too.

I'm only on page 9 of this thread, spent last week teaching my 5 year old grandson how to ski, my heart was full. Lonely here now, but oh man this thread is so therapeutic. And thank you to everyone for being vulnerable and not just posting powder shots, haha.

I shall go through CO next year, on my way to montana. IF I am still 'ticking' ...
( Thanks! for this, mir- )

skiing. my old friend --

Thank you, magg.s -- skiJ

I'm looking forward to it.

[skuff]

No matter how old your kids are, they will always want to have you around, you are one of the "helpers" in their lives.

Letting them to tell you about their happiness, their struggles and just everyday small talk is such a beautiful time to share your love. You get to hear, help or hug, whatever they need

[Hood26]

Here’s the thing that normal people do not seem to understand. When it goes that horribly dark, you don’t care about anything besides stopping the pain. It’s a laser focus. There is nothing else in your world besides escaping or ending that pain. It’s a horrible disease.

I’ve already tried to end it. I failed. That was a very difficult decision to make. But it’s now somehow just a little easier to make that decision again. Because now I’m also a failure that doesn’t want to stick around longer. It’s a horrible disease.

There is no such thing as normal. You are right about the pain. For me it’s the kind of pain of being submerged in cold and rough water. Gasping for air but wanting to drown. I want it to be all over, to just slip into the unknown, but my body fights it nonetheless. People are trying to throw lifelines but they often come up short, I see they try so I kinda try, but again I just want it to end, and then some how and someway I get back to land. Things are kinda good and then I just start dreading the being thrown back into the cold water. It’s when I am on land though that I try to do the work for the next time I am tossed into the water. I have lived my whole life with my alcoholic drug addicted father using suicide threats as emotional abuse to keep and maintain my attention. Part of my response has been to often think fuck you, you threaten it, I will just do it. I have felt that cold cold water that is so painful and then so weirdly numbing.

Your body and soul, are fighting against what a part of your mind is thinking; they all know there is hope to carry on.

Breathe. Try to just breathe. The pain is shutting out all the ways your body wants to feel the world; your body wants to feel ground. Try narrating the incoming sensory inputs. I am touching glass. I am standing at my window. I am washing my hair and I feel the slick shampoo and the warm water. Eventually, you will hear the morning songbirds and the geese passing by and your sleeping family, and the perfectly bitter morning coffee. This is what Al-anon taught me to do; pull myself by the short hairs into the right here and the right now. If you were closer I would come over and pull you by the short hairs.

Fuck Joy and Fuck Sleep. Those are two ornery cats that won’t let you pet them when you want to so badly, but then when you aren’t paying them any attention they will come wondering in, purring, and rubbing on your leg.

It is a horrible disease, compounded, by a multitude of other ailments and trauma. You are right it is absolutely horrible. Suicide is a choice, it is not the choice we would make for you, but we don’t get to make that choice. However, we will choose to keep this conversation going with you. We will choose to mourn your life if you go. Please don’t go. I don’t cry much. I am crying for you now as I write.

I am going to be out with my family today and will check in on this thread when I get home. I hope you are still with us. Again, 911 you are in a straightforward emergency situation or maybe a trip to Urgent Care?

[riser4]

I think the 90's fucked us. I've been high ever since.

I graduated HS in '94. In those four years I ate acid a few dozen times, saw other kids eat acid at school... and teachers not blink an eye. My friend's brother snorted enough coke to hang himself in his closet. My other friend's brother lost his head in a motorcycle accident while high.

We used to smoke weed a few times a week, after school, on the ski bus, often on our way to school. We were 16... and developing our brains while high.

We were always high. And every weekend we were drunk. And then skiing became real after high school and we lived in ski towns and skied big shit... while high.

I climbed Roundtop in a flannel shirt and leather gloves from the hardware store after eating a bunch of acid. This was normal when I was 19-22. I used to ski on shrooms because it was Saturday. Weed was not only daily, but breakfast.

Why is Gen X so depressed? Because we were high for the entire time our brains were finishing development. From ages 15-25. Or, 35.

True story. We smoked weed that needed to be cut from stems and seeds, and we had sheets of acid floating around our schools, literally in class.

We. Were. Always. High.

This fucked with our brain development... and now we're depressed.

Um, that pretty much describes my HS experience. Almost a decade earlier. And I'm sure we have enough folks here that someone will pipe up about the previous decade, and so on. There was the Friday afternoon senior year that a few people left school early and went into hiding because they suddenly realized the sheet they were selling was fake. There were just shy of 100 pissed off people in an 800 person school that all wanted their money back right fucking now. You are of the age that you were the little kid brother to friends.

[m2711c]

sounds just like the 70's and 80's to me...

[stealurface831]

We did all the same shit, just with drugs made in factories in china. Also throw in daily drunkenness. Some things never change. Teenagers getting fucked up is simply part of the human condition.


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[Buzzworthy]

It’s another day.

[altacoup]

Good to hear. Also sounds like doing things for other people might be what really helps you come out of your funk. Let me know if you need a pass to go skiing. Depending on your boot size I probably have some skis that are more versatile than JJs to use.

[Buzzworthy]

Good to hear. Also sounds like doing things for other people might be what really helps you come out of your funk. Let me know if you need a pass to go skiing. Depending on your boot size I probably have some skis that are more versatile than JJs to use.

It’s sunny. Huge plus. I do want to ski. Boots are 315bsl. Thank you.

I’m going outside now.

[bennymac]

Just wanted to copy the edit that I added to a post I made late night in case it got missed:

“I want to be clear that ketamine and ECT and treatments such as these are not some weird, super fringe, only in the worst of the worst cases are these options pulled out…*every* major center in North America is gonna have treatments like this available - because people often struggle like you are and because these treatments often work”

Just don’t want your sense of “omg I am so fucked up!” to be a barrier to seeking out these treatments. Yes your brain is fucked up right now. There is often guilt and sometimes shame about that. But I want to be clear that the people offering these treatments aren’t going to be like “omg this guy - what is his deal wow he is so fucked!” - no these treatments are routine and the people working in those clinics are going to be like “ok - it’s Tuesday - who are we helping today?”

Glad to see you posting in here this morning. We might never know what other mags are out there silently reading your honest words and feeling less alone knowing that others are struggling too. It’s like you’re tending a garden to provide healthy options to others.

I hope that it’s soon that you’re posting in here about how you got back to the real buzzworthy - whatever path you take to get to that place.

[Harry]

Hey Buzz, you helped me out last year, and I never got around to giving you an update on the outcome.

I had posted a pic in View Right Now of a surveyor out in a cornfield just because I thought it was humorous. You responded “that surveyor is using a Model 37-420 tool”. We had little back and forth about why I needed a surveyor out in a big field of corn and it came out that you are an expert.

My problem was that an Asshole Farmer had been trespassing and planting corn on land my mother owned for years. When my Mom passed away last summer and I inherited that land I wasn’t sure exactly where the property line was because he had plowed up all the survey stakes.

Your advice was to hire a licensed surveyor, file the new survey at the courthouse, and send him a copy via Certified Mail. I did all that last summer at your suggestion.

Fast forward to last month, I met him at a local diner for coffee and we hammered out an agreement. He is going to reimburse me in full for the cost of the survey, plus monthly rental payments for the land.

So thank you Buzzworthy, you helped me make the Asshole Farmer my bitch.




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[uglymoney]

When shit hits the fan for me and I want to escape, I wake up right at 4 am. In normal times, sleep helps me keep the brain straight.

As does movement.

When I blew my knee and couldn't work, 4 am, awake. Every single day. My whirlwind was spinning away, but someone else was behind the wheel.

Fuck. That was the first time rest didn't work as an escape for me. It was scary having to admit to myself some hard truths. But those sleepless 4 am anxiety wakeups passed, shit got better, I had a much better perspective on my life from the forced introspection

All I have from my sister is a text message that she'll love me forever, then she was gone forever. It will be 5 years on May 15th. She missed the privilege of turning 50 by a month. I'm still just a deer in the headlights.

I always try to write more in these threads, but I can't publish much of anything I write. I still think it helps when I try. This is the crumbs. So thanks for posting up this thread and reaching out.

[Thaleia]

Hey Buzz, you helped me out last year, and I never got around to giving you an update on the outcome.

I had posted a pic in View Right Now of a surveyor out in a cornfield just because I thought it was humorous. You responded “that surveyor is using a Model 37-420 tool”. We had little back and forth about why I needed a surveyor out in a big field of corn and it came out that you are an expert.

My problem was that an Asshole Farmer had been trespassing and planting corn on land my mother owned for years. When my Mom passed away last summer and I inherited that land I wasn’t sure exactly where the property line was because he had plowed up all the survey stakes.

Your advice was to hire a licensed surveyor, file the new survey at the courthouse, and send him a copy via Certified Mail. I did all that last summer at your suggestion.

Fast forward to last month, I met him at a local diner for coffee and we hammered out an agreement. He is going to reimburse me in full for the cost of the survey, plus monthly rental payments for the land.

So thank you Buzzworthy, you helped me make the Asshole Farmer my bitch.




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That is awesome!!

Good on both of you.

[byates1]

Buzz the ketamine thing sounds interesting. Also, fuck it. Go do the ayahuasca thing. And look into shrooms. Why not

[Hood26]

It’s sunny. Huge plus. I do want to ski. Boots are 315bsl. Thank you.

I’m going outside now.

Good on you. Good on you.

Just keep breathing. Feel that sun on your face.

It was sunny here today too.

[frorider]

It’s sunny. Huge plus. I do want to ski. Boots are 315bsl. Thank you.

I’m going outside now.

*hits the Like button*

[ex-powderbroker]

Buzz the ketamine thing sounds interesting. Also, fuck it. Go do the ayahuasca thing. And look into shrooms. Why not

buzz, i can’t endorse psychedelics, it seems like they work for some people but who knows. i’m pretty sure though booze and thc are garbage drugs. if you find yourself relying on them daily maybe cut them out for a week and replace them by getting out early for exercise and some of your favorite tunes.

you’ve had an overdose of advice already but that’s all i got. hope tomorrow is better.

[skinipenem]

I'm glad to see this thread continues on, and it's helping buzz and others. TRG rocks.

Booze and thc are shit for depression.

There is some data for low dose ketamine infusions and guided psilocybin therapy.


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