About to turn 50 and am too tired to continue

[Mofro261]

Buzz, maybe switch to low test THC? I know we tend to think of it like medicine but the really high THC products may be causing anxiety/depression instead of alleviating it.

Besides, somebody has to take care of the dogs, right?

[Thaleia]

I feel for you Buzz. I've battled depression in the past. Not drinking MAJORLY turned it around for me. Not saying you drink too much. But any alcohol isn't good for people with any chemical imbalance stuff.

I almost lost a parent to suicide when I was a kid. She lived and is kicking major ass today......but it was touch and go for a few weeks while she was in a coma and not expected to make it. I shudder to think how different things would be if she didn't make it. Maybe you THINK your kid doesn't need you. Guess what......don't believe everything that you think. Depression just clouds our judgement in a real bad way.

Asking for help is not a bother to anyone. Offing yourself IS however.

Had a similar sounding situation with my Mom as well. She was in a real dark place for awhile and made a couple attempts. Meds aren't necessarily for everyone but she found something that worked and had a very happy fulfilling life after that. Her grand kids who weren't born yet in those times would never believe she faced those struggles.

You've always got us to lean on. I'd be a lucky guy if I could consider you as a friend.

[Buzzworthy]

Do you have any local friends you can go have some silly fun with?

All my good close friends moved out of the state a while ago. So no not really, just people that are here on this forum but I’m not close to any. I’ve hurt people in the past herewith my benzo addiction coupled with alcohol on top of that so I’ve been hesitant for a good decade now to make good friends here. There’s mags here I’d like to be friends with again but I burnt that bridge in my stupor. Which leads me to posting on here but not seeing much of you because I don’t like what I became and still feel I’m that same person still. Which scares me so I sit in the background wanting to play with the class but do not feel worthy. So I stay seated. As I sit in the dark, the darker it gets. I don’t see a way out of this.

[Gcooker]

There's been a few references to med's here, I don't know your situation but it took my partner nearly a year to ween off SSRI's. Her experience was scary to say the least, horrible physical and mental side effects, super dark thoughts, chills, gastro etc. There are support groups online. She felt hijacked from them.

If you're coming off them just know that what you're feeling may not be you....

[Dantheman]

Even the people who aren't your friends anymore don't want you to kill yourself. Go ask your daughter if she no longer needs you, I doubt she'd agree. It's a nice day outside--sober up, step away from your screen, go for a walk in the sunshine, and then start finding a professional who can help you.

[Bosco]

The fact that you made this post to me shows that you want or are asking for help, which is good. I suggest listening to the advise given above. Good luck.

[El Chupacabra]

Buzz, I don't know if we've ever met, but you and I have both been here for a long time. Please reach out to someone local to you -- there's many here on the forum -- and we'll help you get through it.

[TWINS]

You are not alone.
I went through this 2 years ago.
Took out a life insurance policy on myself to take care of my wife when I killed myself.
What we perceive as truth is just that.
Its our perception of reality which can be totally wrong.
Stop poisoning yourself with alcohol.
Start getting sleep and eating properly.
Start exercising.
Get your blood work done ✔
CHECK YOUR TESTOSTERONE LEVELS....
This is fucking huge for us old dogs.
There is a old thread here on the subject.
I boosted up and feel like a kid again.
Life is fucking fantastic.
Go do this shit right now.
Yiu still have things to accomplish on this planet.
Just because you don't see that this moment doesn't mean its not true.

[J. Barron DeJong]

There's been a few references to med's here, I don't know your situation but it took my partner nearly a year to ween off SSRI's. Her experience was scary to say the least, horrible physical and mental side effects, super dark thoughts, chills, gastro etc. There are support groups online. She felt hijacked from them.

If you're coming off them just know that what you're feeling may not be you....

Not to discount your partner’s experience, but it was getting back on an SSRI that was the biggest help for me personally. I don’t seem to suffer any side effects from the one I’m on.

[Buzzworthy]

Even the people who aren't your friends anymore don't want you to kill yourself. Go ask your daughter if she no longer needs you, I doubt she'd agree. It's a nice day outside--sober up, step away from your screen, go for a walk in the sunshine, and then start finding a professional who can help you.

I’m sober Dan. This is also the stigma. I’m not the guy I used to be but reading this, that’s certainly not the case in your eyes and probably many others.
So thanks for that and fuck you. Youve always been looking down your nose at me from day one and clearly that hasn’t changed.

Fuck you Dan.

[Buzzworthy]

Even the people who aren't your friends anymore don't want you to kill yourself. Go ask your daughter if she no longer needs you, I doubt she'd agree. It's a nice day outside--sober up, step away from your screen, go for a walk in the sunshine, and then start finding a professional who can help you.

For someone that thinks he knows everything about anything, you don’t know a fucking thing about how depression can rewire a brain to get to this point.

Again, fuck the fuck off.

[ironhippy]

All my good close friends moved out of the state a while ago. So no not really, just people that are here on this forum but I’m not close to any. I’ve hurt people in the past herewith my benzo addiction coupled with alcohol on top of that so I’ve been hesitant for a good decade now to make good friends here. There’s mags here I’d like to be friends with again but I burnt that bridge in my stupor. Which leads me to posting on here but not seeing much of you because I don’t like what I became and still feel I’m that same person still. Which scares me so I sit in the background wanting to play with the class but do not feel worthy. So I stay seated. As I sit in the dark, the darker it gets. I don’t see a way out of this.

This is the way out. You are talking about it. Please continue.

Try some of the links people have posted, you should be able to create a generic email (or whatever) if you don't want to identify yourself.

[dunfree]

Depression is a liar like drugs

edit: and for some people, at some point, a “good” ski/surf/whatever day is incompatible with daily life. See above

[Dantheman]

I’m sober Dan. This is also the stigma. I’m not the guy I used to be but reading this, that’s certainly not the case in your eyes and probably many others.
So thanks for that and fuck you. Youve always been looking down your nose at me from day one and clearly that hasn’t changed.

Fuck you Dan.

For someone that thinks he knows everything about anything, you don’t know a fucking thing about how depression can rewire a brain to get to this point.

Again, fuck the fuck off.

If you're sober, that's great, you should have led with that in the OP. You referenced drinking in this very thread and recently posted about medical weed cards, so it was reasonable to assume you were not. Maybe change your profile to reflect that.

I don't look down on you no matter what you may think. I genuinely want you to get better and I am not claiming to know a fucking thing about what you are going through right now or how you got here. Please get help. Maybe take some concrete steps towards moving out of Utah since you continually state that living here makes you miserable. Find some tiny thing you can claim victory over each day so that you can stop thinking of yourself as a failure. Whatever you do, please do not leave your daughter without a father.

[Buzzworthy]

I meant I’m sober now.
Listen I don’t drink much. Some night a few beers, others nights zero. Once in a while a good six pack. I don’t drink liquor anymore and I have actually slowed down on my weed intake.

I know your background and that of your wife’s family but leave your shit at the door if you actually are interested in helping me. I don’t think you’re sincere with how you’ve looked me over the last two decades though so I think I’ve stand with my fuck off comment. I also shouldn’t have to justify a damn thing to you but here I am still trying to win you over. That’s my fault. I should’ve gave up on you a long time ago like you did to I.

[frorider]

Buzz we are all glad you had the courage to post this. Good advice in here, please continue the momentum & take those first steps toward helping yourself by letting others help you.

[Buzzworthy]

To everyone else, thank you.

[altacoup]

Hey Buzz I don’t know you at all. But a nice sunny day skiing sounds like just what you need to clear your head. PM me and I’ll make sure there’s a free pass for you at Alta tomorrow.


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[Trackhead]

Buzz,

This is hard to read, and I empathize with you.

When I was doing chemo last year I fantasized about suicide every day, planned various approaches to the act. But every time I saw my son, that evaporated. Still feel that way time to time when the lurking fear of cancer seems like too much to carry around.

I have no doubt your daughter needs you, your wife needs you.

Middle age is hard. Life is hard. Suffering is part of life, part of being human.

Rambling, but lean on someone. Hug your wife, your daughter. Tell them you need help. Go cry with them. I did that a lot with my wife during chemo. It helped. Literally balling on the edge of the bed, feeling like death, scared, miserable.

I'm not a mental health expert, at all, but I wish you the best. You've made it this far, you're not useless, your situation isn't hopeless.

[Dantheman]

I don’t think you’re sincere with how you’ve looked me over the last two decades though so I think I’ve stand with my fuck off comment. I also shouldn’t have to justify a damn thing to you but here I am still trying to win you over. That’s my fault. I should’ve gave up on you a long time ago like you did to I.

Duly noted.

[Buzzworthy]

Duly noted.

Your comments got us here. I’m just finally standing up for myself. It didn’t have to go like this.

[Jen]

Your feelings are valid and hoping you continue here in the 3D [emoji177]


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[shera]

Heya, sorry life sucks, I hope you figure it out. I'm a decade ahead of you on the getting old thing, so I feel you on that.

Somebody mentioned testosterone and it spurred me to share that I am eating a LOT of meat, mostly meat, mostly beef and it's really been great for my health and well being. Also quit drinking pretty much completely. But I wanted to say that a LOT of people are healing their brains and their bodies with ribeye steak. And it picks a man's testosterone right back up!

I also do 10 minute guided meditations from youtube whenever I get mental. It's a little reset and works a charm.

Best wishes to you, hate to see an OG suffering.

[gaijin]

Hey buzz. Call someone. The help line in Tokyo got me off the rooftops. I still call them to say thanks for answering. For me, it took talking to a non-judgemental stranger’s professional voice.

Or call me. DM me your number. I’ll call right now.


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[gaijin]

Also— we’re all douchebags on this board. Textual communication lacks context and we read like assholes. We’re not like that in real life. Don’t let the shitty comments get to you. But to let the sincerity get to you.

You’re reaching out for help, and we’re trying to answer. Pick up the phone.


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