Fatherhood anonymous; an open discussion on being a dad.

[ktoor]

T-3 weeks til my world changes.

Last minute things you recommend? Things for my relationship (we're trying to eat out once a week before kid)? Things you wished you had on hand immediately (nursery pretty set up, etc)? Things to do for myself?

im currently on the other side, T+3 with my first. it is a wild wild ride lol. so from my very limited experience:

for the relationship, would definitely do the things that make you happy: splurge on nice restaurants, roach on the couch. get your vert in. be alone in the woods. buy the skis. whatever it is. sounds like you have the right idea with the dinners.

material things after: i thought gliders/rockers were a waste of time but has definitely saved our backs a bit. id invest in a good baby carrier as itll last a while and also save your back. walks outside are our last line of defence when the kid wont sleep. i thought a diaper garbage (ubbi is one) was dumb but nice to not have it stink up the trash.

and prolly the most helpful thing was our friends set up a meal train so every three days someone brings us food so we have hardly had to cook. been so so key in keeping us sane. theres websites to have this organized and a friend would typically set it up for you.

good luck to you both and enjoy the ride! youre gonna smash it!


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[ghosthop]

My wife did all the pre-labor contractions at home until her water broke. This worked great for us, our time from walking through the hospital doors to babe in arms was five hours. But be warned that if your wife plans to get an epidural you can miss the window waiting at home for too long.

When my wife was actively laboring and the baby would crown it really helped for her to put her hands on his head. The room didn’t have a mirror and she didn’t realize how far along he was.

Let the nurses help you the first night, that’s why they’re there.

Make sure you know all the risk factors for injury/death from co-sleeping and then make your peace with it. I think some amount is unavoidable, especially when your wife is marathon feeding, and saying you never will does your future self a disservice.

My son hated swaddling, the Merlin suit saved our sanity. We switched at five weeks, the manufacturer recommends three months. Talk to your pediatrician.

Get yourself a stack of books. I read more in the first three months than I did in the three years before.

Make sure your phone’s photo capture is set to live.

[lowsparkco]

T-3 weeks til my world changes.

Last minute things you recommend? Things for my relationship (we're trying to eat out once a week before kid)? Things you wished you had on hand immediately (nursery pretty set up, etc)? Things to do for myself?

I always heard nightmare stories of dad’s trying to figure out the car seat in the parking lot, so I practiced that part. Set the seat up in advance, get the base into the car you’re going to take to the hospital. Bring the car seat. Putting your baby in the car and going home is so special. Be ready so you can enjoy it. I missed the exit on one of the roundabouts and we had to go around again, we still laugh about it. “Hey look kids, there’s parliament and Big Ben.”

[SkiLyft]

T-3 weeks til my world changes.

Last minute things you recommend? Things for my relationship (we're trying to eat out once a week before kid)? Things you wished you had on hand immediately (nursery pretty set up, etc)? Things to do for myself?

Holy shit, getting real d00d!!


Go buy a new hoodie + sweats… you’ll live in them for the 48h you’re at the hospital, then for the following 2-3 months when you’re settling in with the baby. They absorb all the inevitable throw up that is bound to come your way!

Every gal has her stance on breast feeding vs pumping vs formula. I encouraged mine to pump so I could take the late night 1am-4am feeds to let her sleep and heal up!

FWIW: baby number 1 we held off on formula, baby number 2 we just started with it as the 2-3 day lag waiting for milk to come in can absolutely suck all your sleep reserves out.


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[Mazderati]

Another vote for having meals in place if an option.

My wife woke up in the middle of the night to pump. She wouldn't do it again.

[funkendrenchman]

Black out shades if you don’t have them already.

[alpinevibes]

All good things above. We also loved the Merlin suits and very much agree with being open minded/realistic about your circumstances in the breast feeding/formula realm.

Plan time for yourselves to have some freedom, time alone. Yes, it all goes fast and you want to experience everything with the baby, but you need to be a balanced/semi-sane person to be able to actually do that.

[radam]

I've shared this recipe or made it for friends with new babies. If you're even slightly capable in the kitchen they are easy to make are just sweet enough to satisfy a craving but healthy enough to not feel bad about eating one at 3am, and most importantly, easy to consume one-handed while nursing/bottle feeding: https://cooking.nytimes.com/recipes/...eberry-muffins

Also, while blackout shades are great, don't try to shield the baby from every environmental/surrounding noise, unless you want a child that can only sleep when things are perfectly quiet. Instead, you want the full narcoleptic newborn that'll sleep through barking dogs, moderate to heavy construction, outdoor concerts, etc etc. Same goes for baths. We goofed on #1 and were super careful about not getting water on his face or in his eyes when he was tiny tiny, and even now 7 years later getting his face wet still results in screaming sometimes. Maybe not a direct correlation but who knows.

[406]

I would definitely suggest a lactation consultant if having any issues with breast feeding (and avoid formula). Just pay out of pocket if insurance/hospital not getting one that can help. Did that with first kid.
Not a bad idea to research that prior.

[yeahman]

First kid we had the nursery all set up with a regular crib. When the kid came out we were like holy shit that thing is tiny compared to the crib. So I went to Walmart and got a little bassinet for the baby to start out in. The only bassinet they had included a vibrating feature that would "buzz" the kid gently to sleep. Both or kids ended up loving that gentle vibration, which we only got by accident. So my advice is get a buzzing bassinet!

Good luck man!!

[oldnew_guy]

I would definitely suggest a lactation consultant if having any issues with breast feeding (and avoid formula). Just pay out of pocket if insurance/hospital not getting one that can help. Did that with first kid.
Not a bad idea to research that prior.

Times a million. Both of the hospitals we went to either had a consultation before leaving the hospital or had an appointment set up at a clinic.

Lots of emotions tied up in breast feeding but the bottom line is that the kid needs to eat.

[Danno]

doebedoe, good luck mang!

It's been over a decade, but I still remember a friend saying to me "whatever your child is doing, is normal for your child". Obviously, there are limits to that, but the gist of the advice is don't freak out over every little thing that your kid is doing, don't compare them to every other baby you hear about, etc. They are all a bit different.

Also, baby swings, like this type of thing, were invaluable for us.

[Sirshredalot]

I would definitely suggest a lactation consultant if having any issues with breast feeding (and avoid formula). Just pay out of pocket if insurance/hospital not getting one that can help. Did that with first kid.
Not a bad idea to research that prior.

I'll jump in and point out that formula is fine if that's where you end up. The anti-formula crowd can get pretty toxic and pseudo-science-y. By all means, use a lactation consultant and give nursing a good shot, but if the baby isn't eating enough from nursing or mom is going insane, then switch to formula. And don't feel shitty about it.

I wish someone had told us the above with our first. The first few weeks were hell because nursing wasn't working for us.

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[Joey Joe Joe Junior Shabadoo]

doebedoe, good luck mang!

It's been over a decade, but I still remember a friend saying to me "whatever your child is doing, is normal for your child". Obviously, there are limits to that, but the gist of the advice is don't freak out over every little thing that your kid is doing, don't compare them to every other baby you hear about, etc. They are all a bit different.

In a similar vein I've always told friends that when you become a parent you are finally let in on the big secret that everyone is just figuring it out as they go along. You have to figure out what works for your kid and your spouse and your family so don't stress about other peoples advice or opinions all the time.

[Boissal]

I always heard nightmare stories of dad’s trying to figure out the car seat in the parking lot, so I practiced that part. Set the seat up in advance, get the base into the car you’re going to take to the hospital. Bring the car seat. Putting your baby in the car and going home is so special. Be ready so you can enjoy it. I missed the exit on one of the roundabouts and we had to go around again, we still laugh about it. “Hey look kids, there’s parliament and Big Ben.”

That one made me laugh. I had everything dialed with the car seat and thought we'd at least nail the first trip with the babe. When it was time to load her in the car, we realized we had packed all of her outfits and had swaddled her with nothing but a diaper on. Bags were already in the car, had to leave the hospital with a mostly naked baby in the car seat. Complete walk of shame. At least she's a summer babe and didn't get cold...

The advice about lactation consultant is key IMO. Until we saw one Ms Boissal felt like an absolute failure. Breast feeding isn't easy, not all babies figure it out right away, and the pressure on mom is real. Formula's fine, not sure why some people still see it as the devil.

[schuss]

I'll jump in and point out that formula is fine if that's where you end up. The anti-formula crowd can get pretty toxic and pseudo-science-y. By all means, use a lactation consultant and give nursing a good shot, but if the baby isn't eating enough from nursing or mom is going insane, then switch to formula. And don't feel shitty about it.

I wish someone had told us the above with our first. The first few weeks were hell because nursing wasn't working for us.

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Yeah, the lechinistas are ridiculous with how much guilt they pile onto new mothers trying to figure it out. Try your best, but especially if you have a big grower, supplementing is totally fine. We didn't with our first so my wife ended up cluster feeding for like 4-5 hours a day because the milk supply just wasn't all there for the appetite level. Supplemented with #2 and it was much easier. Breast feeding requires the supply as well as baby and mom to work it out and there's a ton of factors at play (palate issues, dietary taste stuff, etc. etc.) that may take some time to work out, so don't let anyone make her feel like satan for not being 100% breastfeeding.

[ktoor]

one other thing thats been quite key for us is the 'huckleberry' app. trying to remember or write down feed/sleep was tough on little sleep, but that app made it super easy. highly recommend.


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[Danno]

I'll jump in and point out that formula is fine if that's where you end up. The anti-formula crowd can get pretty toxic and pseudo-science-y. By all means, use a lactation consultant and give nursing a good shot, but if the baby isn't eating enough from nursing or mom is going insane, then switch to formula. And don't feel shitty about it.

I wish someone had told us the above with our first. The first few weeks were hell because nursing wasn't working for us.

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TRUTH! We (royal "we" of course) were breastfeeding but it was always a struggle, my then-wife was always staying just barely ahead of the kiddo, we never were able to stockpile anything. Around month 5 the doc told us we should start supplementing, even though that would eventually mean her milk supply would go down even more. And my ex felt such guilt about not breastfeeding, but she shouldn't have! Give it a good go with breastfeeding, but if it doesn't work out, don't sweat it. Do the best you can. And while the evidence is clear that breastfeeding is beneficial, it's not like formula is bad for babies. It's fine. And it will be such a relief for you as dad, because FINALLY you will be able to fully participate in feeding your kid, and neither parent will feel trapped because of the need for boob.

[brutah]

T-3 weeks til my world changes.

Last minute things you recommend? Things for my relationship (we're trying to eat out once a week before kid)? Things you wished you had on hand immediately (nursery pretty set up, etc)? Things to do for myself?

Congrats! Enjoy your last few days of freedom, do something for yourself and something for your relationship, whether that's a long bike ride/ski day, or cleaning the house, or going out to a movie (we weren't movie people before, but would occasionally go see one and we haven't been since). Everything changes as soon as the baby arrives so enjoy these last few weeks the best you can.

I wouldn't fret over things too much in advance other than the normal nursery things. Everyone figures it out eventually. I do think a diaper genie, or other diaper dispenser is a nice. figuring out the car seat in advance is also a good idea. A place to change the baby, bassinet for the baby to sleep in, hopefully, you have all those things. Our child also didn't like to be swaddled so all the swaddles we got in advance, mostly went unused. We ended up using a weighted baby sleep sack and he slept in his until he was probably a 1-1.5 years. But you will kinda just figure these things out as you go.

Having friends and family cook or set up a meal delivery service is also clutch. Really helped us out while we were getting our feet back under us.

The advice to let the nurses do everything the first night in the hospital is great advice. You will want to be with the baby, but let them take care of it and try to sleep a little before they kick you out to be on your own.

Last word of advice from my uncle about child raising: "It won't get any easier, it will just get different." It's definitely hard work, but just try to enjoy the process, i've found it very rewarding and fun to be a father. I wouldn't change anything, or go back to a time before children (even when I get fomo .

[hatchgreenchile]

My only advice - don't take yourself too seriously! You got to roll with the punches.

Some days you'll win Dad of the year, some days are neutral, and some days you'll feel like you went 12 rounds with Iron Mike. Luckily, you get a blank slate every morning!

You bought the ticket, now it's time to take the ride

[jackattack]

one other thing thats been quite key for us is the 'huckleberry' app. trying to remember or write down feed/sleep was tough on little sleep, but that app made it super easy. highly recommend.


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Nara baby is what we’re using. We track feeds and sleep primarily but it can do much more. It’s free and it’s easy to invite multiple people to the account for alternate care givers like grandparents etc.



In the first few weeks you basically need a bassinet next to the bed and a changing table in a convenient place with all the necessities. Don’t go crazy on newborn outfits. You do laundry about every day anyway. We bought a snoo, so we use their swaddles. Little man has slept 7+ hrs at night since week 7. It’s worked well for us but I’ve heard horror stories. He lived in the living room for the first few weeks so we could reserve the bedroom for rest periods for caregivers.

We had my mother in law here for the first 3 weeks and she and I took shifts while mom was on call for nursing. MIL took 10pm to 4am and I took 4am to 10am. 6 straight hours of sleep was incredible. Take any help you can get.

Nursing was very difficult for us since he was delivered a little early via c section. We were triple feeding since we got home, first via SNS and he started taking a bottle week 2. Weaned at 4.5months. Every journey is different, just support and reassure mom as she will feel immense pressure to nurse the baby.


The dog didn’t care about him at all at first but they’ve adapted since. He’s just starting to get interested in her.

[rudy]

Anyone have an input on drug use conversations with your kids? My boys are currently 14 + 16 and I'm struggling with how much information I should share with them. On one hand, I want to be honest but telling them the full litany of drugs used would not end well. Considering my 16 year old has made the comment "seems stupid not to try every drug so I know what they're like" leads me to believe this is the correct approach. Don't need to add fuel to the fire.
On the other hand I still do smoke weed a few times a week in a legal state I also don't want to continue to lie to them. My current approach has been to tell them I've done shrooms in college which I didn't like (not true) and never tried blow (not true) and used to smoke some in college but very infrequently any more (not true, see the pattern here?).
I will continue to lie until the time is right, if that's that best approach, which I feel like it has been so far, but wondering if anyone has any insight that may be helpful that ended with a positive outcome realizing that all kids are different.

What say ye?

[Mazderati]

Are you saying you smoke regularly and think your kids don't know?

[rudy]

That is what I think as my kids don't hesitate to call me out but never have on this topic. I very well be be naive but it would be out of character for them to not make a comment.

[yeahman]

I smoke weed and have never discussed it with my kids. I'm pretty careful about keeping it on the down low. We discuss drinking and the importance of not drinking and driving AND never riding with somebody who is drunk. I think/hope they get it.

No way I could ever share my history of drug use, unless I knew one of them was using. Then I would warn them off it, but really there's not much you can do if they want to experiment.