Fatherhood anonymous; an open discussion on being a dad.

[Dantheman]

My philosophy is based around consistency. Expectations and standards are known, and we dont get to break them just because we "don't feel like it". Whining/tantrums do not get you out of expectations/standards. Obviously some wiggle room there for a 3 year old. Lot of second guessing and treading a thin line hoping im doing the best thing for him.

Little kids are like dogs. Expectations, rewards, and punishments need to be brutally consistent, and if you take a stand on something you can never, ever back down. Anything else just sows confusion. When those tantrums blow up this needs to be your headspace. Unfortunately some people are not wired for it.

https://getyarn.io/yarn-clip/519e18a...a-831f521d023b

[californiagrown]

Little kids are like dogs. Expectations, rewards, and punishments need to be brutally consistent, and if you take a stand on something you can never, ever back down. Anything else just sows confusion. When those tantrums blow up this needs to be your headspace. Unfortunately some people are not wired for it. https://getyarn.io/yarn-clip/519e18a...a-831f521d023b

My dog was/is super sensitive. As a puppy if i made an angry sounding correction he would straight up cower and slink for the next few hours... so i learned to be stern not angry in commands and correction, and learned how to be extremely consistent in his training. He is still a headcase, but the fucker has sheepdog-like obediance to me without being scared of me either. My wife hates when i tell expectant first time fathers that its fundamentally the same as raising a puppy, its just that the stakes are much higher, and the puppyhood is stretched out for 18 years.

Its just tough feeling like im shouldering the reponsibility for dealing with and teaching him the stuff that is a struggle and sometimes unpleasant to learn, while my wife takes on more of the grandparent role of, IMO, spoiling him more. I dont want him associating me with stress and doing things he doesnt want to do, and my wife with being spoiled and chicken fingers and screentime. I have a feeling this will continue into the school years as i have a math background and natural knack for teaching and simplifying complex information (client faceing engineering manager) so i will likely be helping more with homework, especially frustrating homework. I know it will be tough, im just hoping its rewarding for us both too.

[bodywhomper]

Dan, a behavioral child psychologist/therapist would agree but a developmental child psychologist/therapist would not. They would both be able to point towards scientific evidence to back and support their conclusions. I’m neither, but am married to the latter. Also, if I remember correctly, the provision of rewards under the behavioral model is most effective if it is randomized.

[californiagrown]

the developmental psychologist would not agree that consistent standards/expectations are a good thing? Can you expand on that side's POV?

[Cisco Kid]

Not all dogs or kids are the same. It's up to a parent/ownr to react the the critter they have. Capish?

[yeahman]

I have a feeling this will continue into the school years as i have a math background and natural knack for teaching and simplifying complex information (client faceing engineering manager) so i will likely be helping more with homework, especially frustrating homework. I know it will be tough, im just hoping its rewarding for us both too.

There's no reason you should be helping the kid with his homework. Nor should you be bugging him to get it done. Don't start down that road because you'll regret it. The kid needs to learn to do it for himself and not for you. And if he doesn't get it done he will have to deal with the consequences, i.e. a poor grade. Once you get into that Have you done your homework? dynamic everybody is miserable.

[bodywhomper]

the developmental psychologist would not agree that consistent standards/expectations are a good thing? Can you expand on that side's POV?

The questions could be: who’s standards (parent’s, child’s, YouTuber’s), what’s developmentally appropriate for the child, is consistency important for the circumstance, is modeling flexibility (and empathy) in an expectation more developmentally appropriate for that child than demonstrating and requiring consistency of an expectation? It’s very nuanced and child specific.

[californiagrown]

There's no reason you should be helping the kid with his homework. Nor should you be bugging him to get it done. Don't start down that road because you'll regret it. The kid needs to learn to do it for himself and not for you. And if he doesn't get it done he will have to deal with the consequences, i.e. a poor grade. Once you get into that Have you done your homework? dynamic everybody is miserable.

I'm not sure i agree with this. I was never able to pay attention much IN school and struggled with math cause i had to learn it all outside of school hours... i benefitted from having an involved mother who helped me with math concepts. then again, my wife was the polar opposite and rarely had to study outside of class becuase she was able to learn everything IN the classroom. when i say "helping with homework" i mean more of a tutor role when they are struggling, rather than in a micromanaging boss role.

The questions could be: who’s standards (parent’s, child’s, YouTuber’s), what’s developmentally appropriate for the child, is consistency important for the circumstance, is modeling flexibility (and empathy) in an expectation more developmentally appropriate for that child than demonstrating and requiring consistency of an expectation? It’s very nuanced and child specific.

Oh FFS. Welp, heres to hoping im doing the right things for my kida the right times haha. At least my effort is not lacking. I thought we were supposed to pick a parenting theory and be an asshole about it?!

[Danno]

There is rarely a right or wrong answer or a one-size-fits-all with parenting. Caring about the job you are doing is 90% of the battle. So keep at it.

[HappyCamper]

Ha, was about ready to say half the battle is just showing up. 90 percent works too. Sometimes you have wide guardrails sometimes narrow

I do not help with homework much - not judging those that do.

But sometimes they teach things differently and my middle-schooler says I approach her homework wrong anyway.

So I mostly just police their time and say put the screen down and go study and they seem to figure it out.

Stay positive where you can - and privately vent where you can't.

[bodywhomper]

Presence and patience, as best as can be mustered….

[skaredshtles]

The only true parenting method: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/lates...thod_b_3588031