Fatherhood anonymous; an open discussion on being a dad.

[yeahman]

This is the best thread on TRG.


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It certainly brings the perspective.

[Yonder_River]

Yonder river, how old are your kids now?

10, 12 and 14. It's not crazy during the night time anymore, just the daytime.

[bodywhomper]

Glad to read about all the kids and families making it through difficult times.

[lowsparkco]

gaijin - at the risk of sounding condescending (apology in advance) - has your daughter talked to anyone about the trauma of that time period when her brother and mother were sick?

Some of us cope with trauma by being "super human" - I think you've made an astute observation that she grew up fast. Could help her recapture some of her childhood to talk to the right counselor. She may be perfectly fine, living her best life, but if not - it could be valuable to talk to someone now rather than in 15 or 20 years.

Thanks to all of you that share. Reading these stories, good, bad, painful, hilarious - they help me stay grounded and grateful.

[G. Gordon Liddy]

Grieving Question: It's been a tough year in our household. Both my parents passed away within 5 months of each other. Dad passed away suddenly from aggressive esophageal cancer and we didn't make it back in time to say good bye. The same day he passed away my mom was admitted to the hospital for cirrhosis and spent the next five months in and out of the hospital, then into a care facility and then passed away in late September. We had dad's service in July, and just had my mom's last Saturday. My 15 year old boy was super stoic during it all, except for the service when he was pretty emotional. I've been back and forth helping with mom, so it's been tough on the wife and kiddo.

On Monday his good friend from school and lacrosse committed suicide. 16 year old awesome kid with no real signs of struggle.

I know I'm probably grasping for straws here, but any advise, podcasts, books? I'm pretty desperate for anything as I'm really worried about my kid. It's been too much for me to process, and there is no way a teenage brain is equipped for this either.

[Hopeless Sinner]

Grieving Question: It's been a tough year in our household. Both my parents passed away within 5 months of each other. Dad passed away suddenly from aggressive esophageal cancer and we didn't make it back in time to say good bye. The same day he passed away my mom was admitted to the hospital for cirrhosis and spent the next five months in and out of the hospital, then into a care facility and then passed away in late September. We had dad's service in July, and just had my mom's last Saturday. My 15 year old boy was super stoic during it all, except for the service when he was pretty emotional. I've been back and forth helping with mom, so it's been tough on the wife and kiddo.

On Monday his good friend from school and lacrosse committed suicide. 16 year old awesome kid with no real signs of struggle.

I know I'm probably grasping for straws here, but any advise, podcasts, books? I'm pretty desperate for anything as I'm really worried about my kid. It's been too much for me to process, and there is no way a teenage brain is equipped for this either.

I'd see if your son would see a therapist asap.

Other than that there are books that describe the stages of grieving which could inform both of you of what lies ahead over the next year or 2.


My deepest respect to those above that have risen to the incredible challenges they have faced as parents.

[bagtagley]

Grieving Question: It's been a tough year in our household. Both my parents passed away within 5 months of each other. Dad passed away suddenly from aggressive esophageal cancer and we didn't make it back in time to say good bye. The same day he passed away my mom was admitted to the hospital for cirrhosis and spent the next five months in and out of the hospital, then into a care facility and then passed away in late September. We had dad's service in July, and just had my mom's last Saturday. My 15 year old boy was super stoic during it all, except for the service when he was pretty emotional. I've been back and forth helping with mom, so it's been tough on the wife and kiddo.

On Monday his good friend from school and lacrosse committed suicide. 16 year old awesome kid with no real signs of struggle.

I know I'm probably grasping for straws here, but any advise, podcasts, books? I'm pretty desperate for anything as I'm really worried about my kid. It's been too much for me to process, and there is no way a teenage brain is equipped for this either.

Shit, that sucks, man. Really sorry. Losing a parent is a kick in the nuts. Can't imagine losing both so quickly.

I'm no expert, and don't know of any quick resources, but I think you should both consider counseling. It's going to be hard for you to help your kid when you're still grieving and processing. Having a pro to help you navigate is going to be helpful.

[doebedoe]

+ a bunch to finding some one-on-one counseling. Can be hard to find right fit, but at least something. Talkspace (Talkspace.com/BEAUTIFUL gets you discount in month one from one of my favorite podcasts) and Sondermind offer easy online platforms for immediate help. Though I have a lot of personal gratitutde for in person therapy -- there's something to be said about reducing the barriers being able to avoid travel, awkward waiting rooms, and sterile offices. Son may prefer to choose their own therapist and sit in their room/private space at home.

Not really a pro on grief, but when my depression hits I often find some solace in books on the subject and listening to podcasts to keep mind occupied (struggle with intrusive thoughts and suicidial ideation during depressive spells.) Andrew Solomons books The Noonday Demon and Far From the Tree both were good retreats. Styron's Darkness Visible gets it so right. Furiously Happy by Lawson got me little inkling of smiles when I wasn't sure I'd have feelings again. Understand Suicide podcast (Paula Fontenelle) has some good episodes. Though my favorite retreat -- that has episodes on all kinds of life shit -- is Beautiful Anonymous podcast hosted by Chris Gethard.

Take care of yourself too. Sorry for you losses. Too close.

[exsparky]

Getting a puppy might not be a terrible idea.

I had a rough spot that lasted a few months where everything just went worst case and I remember it never seemed to end until I got a dog.

That was when stuff just all changed.

[Cisco Kid]

I suggest that you reach out for advice from his school as one part of your course of action for your son. They deal with this all the time. Stay close and good luck.

[schuss]

Shit, that sucks, man. Really sorry. Losing a parent is a kick in the nuts. Can't imagine losing both so quickly.

I'm no expert, and don't know of any quick resources, but I think you should both consider counseling. It's going to be hard for you to help your kid when you're still grieving and processing. Having a pro to help you navigate is going to be helpful.

Hard agree, this is a job for professionals.

[phatty]

Grieving Question: It's been a tough year in our household. Both my parents passed away within 5 months of each other. Dad passed away suddenly from aggressive esophageal cancer and we didn't make it back in time to say good bye. The same day he passed away my mom was admitted to the hospital for cirrhosis and spent the next five months in and out of the hospital, then into a care facility and then passed away in late September. We had dad's service in July, and just had my mom's last Saturday. My 15 year old boy was super stoic during it all, except for the service when he was pretty emotional. I've been back and forth helping with mom, so it's been tough on the wife and kiddo.

On Monday his good friend from school and lacrosse committed suicide. 16 year old awesome kid with no real signs of struggle.

I know I'm probably grasping for straws here, but any advise, podcasts, books? I'm pretty desperate for anything as I'm really worried about my kid. It's been too much for me to process, and there is no way a teenage brain is equipped for this either.

I feel for you. My son was 19 and within a week my FIL (very close to all my kids) passed away as did the father of his girlfriend. They have been together for 2 years, right after her father was diagnosed with bone cancer. Put on top of that the deaths were only 4 weeks after he left home to go to college. He was definitely sad but he seemed to be handling it OK.

Fast forward to this summer. I'm LDS (save the jokes for other threads [emoji6]) and he was leaving to serve his 2yr mission in Mexico. As soon as he started his training, he began suffering from severe depression that seemed to come out of nowhere. To that point he had been excited. He eventually made it to Mexico but came home shortly after. We got him a therapist that he's met with a few times that has been very helpful. They said his depression was likely caused from the buried grief earlier in the year. He's turned the corner and will be heading back to college in January.

Long way to say, be there for your son. Take him on a road trip/lunch/dinner and let him talk. Be open about your own grief for your parents and how you are handling/struggling with it yourself. Make sure he sees that he's not in it alone. These are hard things, no matter who you are.

[G. Gordon Liddy]

Wow. Thank you all for the quick responses. You all confirm what I guess I already knew, that I'm way over my head right now. It all seems kinda normal when you're in the thick of it, then you share with your internet buddies and you realize how hard it really is... Luckily he goes to a rad school and they have been bringing in tons of support, but I think I'll get him lined up for his own therapist when we get back from Thanksgiving. I know I'll be doing the same...

Phatty: this really hits home "long way to say, be there for your son. Take him on a road trip/lunch/dinner and let him talk. Be open about your own grief for your parents and how you are handling/struggling with it yourself. Make sure he sees that he's not in it alone. These are hard things, no matter who you are." Thanks!!

[Touring_Sedan]

Grieving Question: It's been a tough year in our household. Both my parents passed away within 5 months of each other. Dad passed away suddenly from aggressive esophageal cancer and we didn't make it back in time to say good bye. The same day he passed away my mom was admitted to the hospital for cirrhosis and spent the next five months in and out of the hospital, then into a care facility and then passed away in late September. We had dad's service in July, and just had my mom's last Saturday. My 15 year old boy was super stoic during it all, except for the service when he was pretty emotional. I've been back and forth helping with mom, so it's been tough on the wife and kiddo.

On Monday his good friend from school and lacrosse committed suicide. 16 year old awesome kid with no real signs of struggle.

I know I'm probably grasping for straws here, but any advise, podcasts, books? I'm pretty desperate for anything as I'm really worried about my kid. It's been too much for me to process, and there is no way a teenage brain is equipped for this either.

I picked up a few pointers from this podcast.

https://www.npr.org/2019/04/24/71670...-about-the-end

Also, don't be afraid to let your kid see you grieve openly. It's ok to not be ok.

[Core Shot]

Getting too heavy in here.
Vibes Mr Liddy
Yes. Therapy. Particularly if your kid won’t open up to you.

[54-46]

My kid is applying to college. Goes fast. Enjoy it all!


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[SkiLyft]

Opening weekend at silver; they only got the bunny hill/magic carpet open but she was STOKED!!

Pumped for her this season; crazy what season #2 does after a summer of growth. She’s 2.5 and shit is clicking!








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[Dromond]

Our daughter is two so we are a year out from a ski lesson, but I thought I should take a look at them. $1,280 for five lessons, three hours each, including a snack break. That’s $85/hour for a group lesson for a three year old. The joke about skiing being for the rich just hit a little harder. Am I in a captive market or is this pretty standard? How are you teaching your toddler to ski? The SkiLyft approach is starting to look good.

[californiagrown]

Our daughter is two so we are a year out from a ski lesson, but I thought I should take a look at them. $1,280 for five lessons, three hours each, including a snack break. That’s $85/hour for a group lesson for a three year old. The joke about skiing being for the rich just hit a little harder. Am I in a captive market or is this pretty standard? How are you teaching your toddler to ski? The SkiLyft approach is starting to look good.

My kid turned 2 in September. Till he's 6 I'm planning to split time teaching my kid with my wife. Age 6-8, lessons. After 8 we will see.

My FIL instructed at canyons and park city for 20 years so we will enlist his help for drills, tips, milestones, methods etc. and of course the odd lesson when he/we visit

[subtle plague]

That is absurd. Switzerland is 5 times a morning ( 3or 4 hours..i forgot) for 240chf. That's edit:16 or less( me bad math man!) per hour which still Hits me as steep, but I'm just a poor German so Switzerland is always 2 times what I'd find acceptable.

[skaredshtles]

We stuck our kids in a 1/2 day lesson when they were like 4yo, IIRC, so that someone could teach them how to pizza and french fry.

After that - we just skied with them. A lot.

They are now 22, 21, and 19 and are very good skiers.

Just another option.

YMMV.

[Dromond]

My kid turned 2 in September. Till he's 6 I'm planning to split time teaching my kid with my wife. Age 6-8, lessons. After 8 we will see.

My FIL instructed at canyons and park city for 20 years so we will enlist his help for drills, tips, milestones, methods etc. and of course the odd lesson when he/we visit

My FIL is currently an instructor. He lives on the other coast but we might try to import him for some lessons. I guess having him teach us how to teach her might work best.

That is absurd. Switzerland is 5 times a morning ( 3or 4 hours..i forgot) for 240chf. That's edit:16 or less( me bad math man!) per hour which still Hits me as steep, but I'm just a poor German so Switzerland is always 2 times what I'd find acceptable.

So five lessons, 3-4 hours each, for 240chf? So about 1/5 of the per-hour price I am seeing. I’m having a hard time working this it since it’s not like Switzerland is a low cost of living, low wage country. I think the limited number and ski areas and lessons here must be a factor. The price for services of any kind in this area (Seattle) is just bananas these days.

We stuck our kids in a 1/2 day lesson when they were like 4yo, IIRC, so that someone could teach them how to pizza and french fry.

After that - we just skied with them. A lot.

They are now 22, 21, and 19 and are very good skiers.

Just another option.

YMMV.

Honestly skiing with her as she learns sounds ideal to me. However, a skier dad once told me he thought lessons were worthwhile since the teacher was an authority figure who is not mom/dad which could be helpful.

[skaredshtles]

<snip>
Honestly skiing with her as she learns sounds ideal to me. However, a skier dad once told me he thought lessons were worthwhile since the teacher was an authority figure who is not mom/dad which could be helpful.

Yeah - I never tried to "teach" my kids anything, TBH. Mainly because I know jack shit about how to ski.

We just skied.

It worked.

And it was "cheap" - I mean... as cheap as skiing can be. Which is to say... not very cheap.

[Danno]

However, a skier dad once told me he thought lessons were worthwhile since the teacher was an authority figure who is not mom/dad which could be helpful.

that is true with almost anything, but depends on the kid and the tradeoff you're making (money).

I am self taught so had no clue how to teach a beginner kid, and my ex was a mediocre skier so.... We found lessons -- a few a year, the best we could afford -- very useful. Don't forget, too, that lessons are "free ski time" for parents. But every kid is different and every financial situation is different. Winter Park had a multi-week program that was somewhat affordable.

[Yonder_River]

Our daughter is two so we are a year out from a ski lesson, but I thought I should take a look at them. $1,280 for five lessons, three hours each, including a snack break. That’s $85/hour for a group lesson for a three year old. The joke about skiing being for the rich just hit a little harder. Am I in a captive market or is this pretty standard? How are you teaching your toddler to ski? The SkiLyft approach is starting to look good.

Is that Alpental's current rate? If so they've really jacked it up in the past few years. Lessons would be mostly worthless for a 3-year-old as the instructors aren't going to try that hard with them. Half the reason we put our kids through lessons (starting around age 4/5) was so my wife and I could ski without them. Teaching them to french fry isn't complicated, it just takes patience and if you have that you're set.