Fatherhood anonymous; an open discussion on being a dad.

**HellgateBasement** · 03-29-2021, 03:45 PM

Originally Posted by Aolias

First off- congrats!

I use an alias because some public searches tie me to this forum, but I'm barely in the thing- my first just turned 3 a week ago, which is hard to believe, and the missus and I just had the first appointment to confirm all's well on #2 in the oven a few days ago. Have only told a few close family members, but feels good to spread the news amongst internet strangers- baby due mid october. Sex will remain unknown unless an obvious schlong presents itself on a future sonogram like the first time around...

Was "Obvious Schlong" already taken as a username? Way better than Aolias.

**Yonder_River** · 03-29-2021, 03:53 PM

It's quite the sobering experience having your first, eh? Your are not alone in feeling anxious and a bit uneasy. That's normal and expected, it's just the degree that you experience it which can and will vary. Most likely it will dissipate as you adjust to your new situation, but then be provoked again as you juggle your professional and personal life and then as any issues rear there head with your kid(s). That's why you have to appreciate (and recognize) the good and easy times when they are there as inevitably, there are going to be not so good times.

We have three boys under age 12 and they have dealt us some hands...one had colic, cried non-stop and still retains that bull-headed personality, another was born weighing 2 pounds - did 85 days in the NICU with multiple surgeries, and another had night terrors that lasted for hours each night and took four years to resolve. I say this because I went from a being in my late 20's and not wanting kids or to lose the lifestyle to now in my 40's and happy we made the leap despite all the headaches. I've been at my wits end more times than I could possibly count, but also been rewarded in more ways than I ever would have been otherwise. Just remember to take deep breaths, exercise as much patience as you can possibly muster, appreciate the small things and don't forget to save a small amount of time for yourself. Eventually, they won't need us as much and then we'll be reflecting on that as we get older and wanting a bit of it back. At least, that is what I'm told.

**Bunion 2020** · 03-29-2021, 04:40 PM

To all you Dads, thanks for taking one for the team.

**neufox47** · 03-29-2021, 11:13 PM

A 2 year old and another due in 2 months here. I feel like we have no time now, I really don’t know how we are going to take care of another, but lots did it before we did with far fewer resources.

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**54-46** · 03-30-2021, 04:02 AM

Read “Shit My Dad Says” by Justin Halpern. It’s funny and actually has a decent perspective.

Here’s the advice my dad gave me:

There are going to be those days when you come home beaten down from work, money, or whatever.

Your kid(s) are happy to see you and start tugging at you.

You can choose to be happy to be with them and play with them.

Or you can be a jerk and push them away.

The kids have no idea what you went through that day.

All they know is that you want to be with them. Or not.

Show them you love them by being there.

Every time.

**mcphee** · 03-30-2021, 07:26 AM

Kudos to SkiLyft for this thread! Congrats!

We are expecting our first in August, and since it was a BIG surprise and I feel like I'm too old for my first, i'm a bit of a mess. Looking forward to the advice shared here as there are already some gems and having an outlet to relay/compare the fear and anxiety that i'm probably not comfortable confiding IRL.

**SkiLyft** · 03-30-2021, 06:58 PM

So many great replies above, each unique with a pearl to remember — thanks guys, seriously am squirreling away so many tips!

This is a wild ride for sure, two nights of better than average sleep with these comments sprinkled in really has lead to levity in my mind. Feeling stronger and thinking clearly (for now); whew needed that!

Have a couple sessions with my mental Heath provider to touch base as a couple. I’m hoping to pick up a few other pearls/tools while there!

Here’s another thing I’ve noticed; having a few beers over the last few weeks has simply emphasized all the anxiety and not been very enjoyable. I’m like a 4 beers max in a week kind of guy but thinking about just abstaining for a while cuz it hasn’t been all that enjoyable. Anyone else feel like that?

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**schuss** · 03-30-2021, 07:05 PM

Originally Posted by SkiLyft

So many great replies above, each unique with a pearl to remember — thanks guys, seriously am squirreling away so many tips!

This is a wild ride for sure, two nights of better than average sleep with these comments sprinkled in really has lead to levity in my mind. Feeling stronger and thinking clearly (for now); whew needed that!

Have a couple sessions with my mental Heath provider to touch base as a couple. I’m hoping to pick up a few other pearls/tools while there!

Here’s another thing I’ve noticed; having a few beers over the last few weeks has simply emphasized all the anxiety and not been very enjoyable. I’m like a 4 beers max in a week kind of guy but thinking about just abstaining for a while cuz it hasn’t been all that enjoyable. Anyone else feel like that?

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Drinking on any regular basis makes me a dick (well, an even bigger one). I'm at a few a week because I enjoy the taste, but definitely have given up drinking in any major quantity - also because toddler+hangover = circle of hell.

@neufox - it's 4 times harder, don't worry. On the plus side - I found we were way more relaxed with our second. It's rough until the younger one is about 4, then they play together, which is aces so far.
@mcphee - don't worry, as long as you're trying and you remember that you and your partner are a team and the baby is not trolling you (seriously, they can't even reliably move their limbs on command), you're good.

**Sirshredalot** · 03-30-2021, 07:19 PM

Originally Posted by SkiLyft

So many great replies above, each unique with a pearl to remember — thanks guys, seriously am squirreling away so many tips!

This is a wild ride for sure, two nights of better than average sleep with these comments sprinkled in really has lead to levity in my mind. Feeling stronger and thinking clearly (for now); whew needed that!

Have a couple sessions with my mental Heath provider to touch base as a couple. I’m hoping to pick up a few other pearls/tools while there!

Here’s another thing I’ve noticed; having a few beers over the last few weeks has simply emphasized all the anxiety and not been very enjoyable. I’m like a 4 beers max in a week kind of guy but thinking about just abstaining for a while cuz it hasn’t been all that enjoyable. Anyone else feel like that?

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I gradually tapered my drinking off from old school Bozeman ski bum levels to almost nothing. Some of it is for mental health/dad responsibility reasons like you describe. Some of it is because the beer gut I'm carrying around isn't doing my physical health or fitness any favors as I approach 40.

Are you another SLC area guy? I've got a million words of advice on kid activities around here.

Fuck. I have to log off and wrangle bed time. My wife is at the gym and I got a skate ski in earlier, so I'm flying solo. Such is life.

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**old_newguy** · 03-30-2021, 07:48 PM

My wife is a god send in this department, so much more relaxed about kid stuff. I am very “in the future” and she is very in “the present/ actively avoids the future.” So I am worried about finances, job etc and she is just doing her thing.

I am solo with the 2 kids a lot as my wife has a demanding job.

The biggest thing for me has been finding things that I like to do with the kids. I’m not into doing crafts, etc so for me:

Running = jogging stroller
Skiing = early days on skis and future ski school
Camping= invest in that big tent and get good at finding dispersed camping and be okay with car camping for awhile
Hiking = trail capable stroller and kid carrier backpack

I make a point of getting some time to myself, as others have mentioned. For a long time that was just the commute or getting up early and having that quiet cup of coffee before everyone is up. Make sure your wife gets some too.

Having kids has pretty much ruined my last 4 years of sleep. It certainly doesn’t help with anything.

A big help recently has been reading (skimming) “How to talk so your kids will listen and how to listen so your kids will talk.” Super helpful for me as I don’t connect with kids particularly well. Actually has some decent advice for conversing with other humans in general. Kids can’t really regulate their emotions like we can until they are 3 or 4 so this has really helped with how to manage meltdowns for us.

Stay away from anything internet based for parenting advice for the most part, maybe this place excluded. There are lots of science based books out there that are actually useful, not just click bait garbage.

This might seem obvious but something that has helped with the “oh my god the kid is going to kill themselves” moments is actively teaching them to do it correctly. IE - don’t avoid the ladder at the playground, teach them how to climb correctly even if they can barely walk. Makes it so much easier to let the 4 year old loose knowing she can pretty much handle everything in the backyard or playground.

Oh yeah, if you are managing “are they tired? Are they hungry? Do they need attention/love?” you can solve a lot of issues before they ever come up.

**old_newguy** · 03-30-2021, 07:51 PM

Originally Posted by SkiLyft

So many great replies above, each unique with a pearl to remember — thanks guys, seriously am squirreling away so many tips!

This is a wild ride for sure, two nights of better than average sleep with these comments sprinkled in really has lead to levity in my mind. Feeling stronger and thinking clearly (for now); whew needed that!

Have a couple sessions with my mental Heath provider to touch base as a couple. I’m hoping to pick up a few other pearls/tools while there!

Here’s another thing I’ve noticed; having a few beers over the last few weeks has simply emphasized all the anxiety and not been very enjoyable. I’m like a 4 beers max in a week kind of guy but thinking about just abstaining for a while cuz it hasn’t been all that enjoyable. Anyone else feel like that?

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To be honest all I want to do on a nice Friday evening is drink a beer on a quiet deck and stare at the sky.

But you do you.

(Seems obvious, don’t drink if you don’t enjoy it.)

**BmillsSkier** · 03-30-2021, 08:08 PM

Kudos to all the other Dads here, I'm enjoying the stories; and a gut-wrenching "I'm sorry, I can't even fathom that" to BS.

I don't have much to add other than this:

I'm the father of a beautiful, happy, wonderful, smart, amazing, funny, inquisitive, sweet, caring 6 year old boy. It hasn't always been that charmed, or easy, or certain, and it sure as shit won't be going forward; but I won't trade one second of any of it for the world. He is the son I always hoped I'd have, and will be my ski buddy for life. He led me down a mountain this year, his way, and I can't wait to see what he shows me next.

I wish nothing but the same for each and every one of you Dads.

**Yonder_River** · 03-30-2021, 10:39 PM

Originally Posted by SkiLyft

Here’s another thing I’ve noticed; having a few beers over the last few weeks has simply emphasized all the anxiety and not been very enjoyable. I’m like a 4 beers max in a week kind of guy but thinking about just abstaining for a while cuz it hasn’t been all that enjoyable. Anyone else feel like that?

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You may change that perspective as they grow up. [emoji2]

**Marshall Tucker** · 03-31-2021, 07:38 AM

Originally Posted by neufox47

A 2 year old and another due in 2 months here. I feel like we have no time now,

You have no idea how much free time you have now.

You will.

**easyrdr** · 03-31-2021, 07:54 AM

Lessons I've learned.

You don't know what a bad hangover feels like until you add a kid to it. Holy fuck not doing that again.

Once I had kids, I'm pretty sure I spent 3 or 4 years apologizing to my parents every time I saw them. Holy shit the clarity I got once kids entered my life, I don't know how my parents tolerated me.

Our third didn't sleep the first two years, my wife and I did not sleep those first two years, all I can remember is the two of us taking turns falling apart. Sleep by far is more important than anything else. Stress, energy, focus, patience, kindness, all of it linked to sleep. I became an expert at sleeping anytime, anywhere, 5 minutes, 5 hours, I will take it.

We made the choice to home school this year with the COVID. 24/7 with the kids, no babysitter, no grandparents, no break, it's been tough. The key is to just keep trying, don't give up, every day is a new day.

Once you have kids it is no longer about you and what you want. I have skied one day in the last two years. COVID fucked my ski plans last winter and this winter I didn't even bother. Some days I dream about my single self, skiing 120 days a season, traveling wherever, whenever. But I find it passes quickly, I wouldn't trade what I got for anything.

You and the spouse need to take turns taking a day off. It took a while for me to get to a place where I could enjoy myself and not feel guilty leaving my wife with the kids. I'm better at it now. I can say without a doubt we are both better parents when we give each other those breaks.

There are days I want to hit the pause button and just keep the kids where they are at. There are days where they can't grow up fast enough. The reality is since I have had kids it has been a blur, time is flying by. One minute you are losing your shit because the kid won't sleep through the night, the next minute they are in elementary school, then out of nowhere they can drive, then off to college. Even living it I can't wrap my head around the speed of it.

I haven't dealt with anxiety with the kids, their mother handles that one for the both of us. Me, I figure the best way to learn to do reckless shit is to do reckless shit and learn from it. So if I see them setting up to do something dumb where they could get hurt I usually won't stop it unless it is serious. You learn by falling down and getting back up, yes it hurts but the kid will figure it out a lot quicker than if I didn't let them fall to begin with.

Thats all I got for now. Enjoy it man!

**My Pet Powder Goat** · 03-31-2021, 07:55 AM

Originally Posted by Marshall Tucker

You have no idea how much free time you have now.

You will.

Haha so true. We've been in the weeds this last year with the arrival of #2. Literally the chores I was doing right when she went into labor are still sitting unfinished.

Great advise here - My advise: Be present and enjoy every moment watching your babies grow. Lots of anxiety in the first few months worrying about being a new father and getting everything "right"...that will subside as you get more comfortable 3ith routine and no longer have the time to worry lol

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**seano732** · 03-31-2021, 08:12 AM

Great thread. I have twin daughters who just turned sixteen (!). A good friend of mine told me a long time ago that you pay on the front end with boys (tackling trees, eating paste, finger in the dog's butt), while you pay on the back end with girls (hormones, boyfriends, hating their mom). I can attest that this is one hundred percent correct. To the OP, enjoy every minute, cause you blink and it's gone. I have to go now cause thing one is yelling at Ms. Seano about the coffee maker........

**skaredshtles** · 03-31-2021, 09:08 AM

Originally Posted by seano732

Great thread. I have twin daughters who just turned sixteen (!). A good friend of mine told me a long time ago that you pay on the front end with boys (tackling trees, eating paste, finger in the dog's butt), while you pay on the back end with girls (hormones, boyfriends, hating their mom). I can attest that this is one hundred percent correct. To the OP, enjoy every minute, cause you blink and it's gone. I have to go now cause thing one is yelling at Ms. Seano about the coffee maker........

Having three boys, two of which are off to uni and the youngest in HS, I can also confirm this.

**plugboots** · 03-31-2021, 09:51 AM

Surprisingly good thread.
The Golden Years are from when they can tell you what they want verbally till they are a teenager. Enjoy them.
Teen years mostly suck. Then one evening they become almost human again, it’s soooo weird.
Ours is graduating college in a couple weeks.
I kept her off the pole.

**whipski** · 03-31-2021, 09:53 AM

mostly prepubescent angst here just wait for puberty and see how it goes

**funkendrenchman** · 03-31-2021, 09:57 AM

Originally Posted by Marshall Tucker

You have no idea how much free time you have now.

You will.

10000x. You'll laugh at anyone without kids who says they don't have time.

**Kailua_Boys** · 03-31-2021, 10:01 AM

Have two elementary aged boys. It is a crazy and wild ride that I wouldn't trade for anything.

Relax and realize things are no longer about you. I skied once last year and won't make it this year. But, that's ok. My kids are happy, sheltered, and fed. Wife is happy and I'm happy. That is all that matters.

Also, don't push your kids into your hobbies or interests. Let them develop their own interests and find their way. I'm not saying let them sit around all day playing on a tablet. But, don't be that Dad who buys their kids expensive skis, bikes, and surfboards expecting their 5 yo to turn into a shredder. My friend is a former pro surfer. His kid has no interest in getting on a surfboard and that is totally ok. I see Dads at the beach with expensive surfboards for their little kids forcing them into the water and just shake my head. Same goes for skiing. Some of my friends turned their kids off surfing and skiing forever. Be encouraging but don't be forceful if that makes sense.

And I think I aged 20 years in the last five. I never napped before kids. Now I fall asleep in my recliner if I sit in it for more than 5 minutes. Now I know how my Dad felt when I was a kid. Haha.

Take care of yourself. Set aside an hour a few times a week to work out. It is important. Weight gain can creep up on you when you eat your kids left overs and are too tired to do anything but fall asleep after work. I gained 30 lbs after the first kid. Pregnancy weight isn't just for moms.

**XXX-er** · 03-31-2021, 10:04 AM

My 2 boys are successful/ turned out well

in spite of their parents

**schuss** · 03-31-2021, 10:10 AM

Originally Posted by Kailua_Boys

Have two elementary aged boys. It is a crazy and wild ride that I wouldn't trade for anything.

Relax and realize things are no longer about you. I skied once last year and won't make it this year. But, that's ok. My kids are happy, sheltered, and fed. Wife is happy and I'm happy. That is all that matters.

Also, don't push your kids into your hobbies or interests. Let them develop their own interests and find their way. I'm not saying let them sit around all day playing on a tablet. But, don't be that Dad who buys their kids expensive skis, bikes, and surfboards expecting their 5 yo to turn into a shredder. My friend is a former pro surfer. His kid has no interest in getting on a surfboard and that is totally ok. I see Dads at the beach with expensive surfboards for their little kids and forcing them into the water and just shake my head. Same goes for skiing. Some of my friends turned their kids off surfing and skiing forever. Be encouraging but don't be forceful if that makes sense.

And I think I aged 20 years in the last five. I never napped before kids. Now I fall asleep in my recliner if I sit in it for more than 5 minutes. Now I know how my Dad felt when I was a kid. Haha.

Take care of yourself. Set aside an hour a few times a week to work out. It is important. Weight gain can creep up on you when you eat your kids left overs and are too tired to do anything but fall asleep after work. I gained 30 lbs after the first kid. Pregnancy weight isn't just for moms.

Yep. I'd really love it if my kids like the same hobbies I like, but if not, no biggie (just please not baseball, so boring). That was a lesson I recall from md9 talking about GT40 - he was a moto guy, his kids liked skiing, so he went skiing. Dad weight gain is mostly linked to kids not finishing their food, I think. Never thought I'd become a dumpster, but that's what I am.