The Case Against Coldplay

[Dexter Rutecki]

I thought this was a funny review, calling them the most insufferable band of the (this?) decade.
I haven't listened to them much, but just heard their Storytellers gig on VH1, and they bored me (can't their bass player figure out something else to do??).
Oh, and the best part is that I heard their new single was kept from the UK #1 spot by a cell phone ringtone that the Brits find quite funny. Maybe Roo can confirm that.


By JON PARELES
Published: June 5, 2005

THERE'S nothing wrong with self-pity. As a spur to songwriting, it's right up there with lust, anger and greed, and probably better than the remaining deadly sins. There's nothing wrong, either, with striving for musical grandeur, using every bit of skill and studio illusion to create a sound large enough to get lost in. Male sensitivity, a quality that's under siege in a pop culture full of unrepentant bullying and machismo, shouldn't be dismissed out of hand, no matter how risible it can be in practice. And building a sound on the lessons of past bands is virtually unavoidable.

But put them all together and they add up to Coldplay, the most insufferable band of the decade.

This week Coldplay releases its painstakingly recorded third album, "X&Y" (Capitol), a virtually surefire blockbuster that has corporate fortunes riding on it. (The stock price plunged for EMI Group, Capitol's parent company, when Coldplay announced that the album's release date would be moved from February to June, as it continued to rework the songs.)

"X&Y" is the work of a band that's acutely conscious of the worldwide popularity it cemented with its 2002 album, "A Rush of Blood to the Head," which has sold three million copies in the United States alone. Along with its 2000 debut album, "Parachutes," Coldplay claims sales of 20 million albums worldwide. "X&Y" makes no secret of grand ambition.

Clearly, Coldplay is beloved: by moony high school girls and their solace-seeking parents, by hip-hop producers who sample its rich instrumental sounds and by emo rockers who admire Chris Martin's heart-on-sleeve lyrics. The band emanates good intentions, from Mr. Martin's political statements to lyrics insisting on its own benevolence. Coldplay is admired by everyone - everyone except me.

It's not for lack of skill. The band proffers melodies as imposing as Romanesque architecture, solid and symmetrical. Mr. Martin on keyboards, Jonny Buckland on guitar, Guy Berryman on bass and Will Champion on drums have mastered all the mechanics of pop songwriting, from the instrumental hook that announces nearly every song they've recorded to the reassurance of a chorus to the revitalizing contrast of a bridge. Their arrangements ascend and surge, measuring out the song's yearning and tension, cresting and easing back and then moving toward a chiming resolution. Coldplay is meticulously unified, and its songs have been rigorously cleared of anything that distracts from the musical drama.

Unfortunately, all that sonic splendor orchestrates Mr. Martin's voice and lyrics. He places his melodies near the top of his range to sound more fragile, so the tunes straddle the break between his radiant tenor voice and his falsetto. As he hops between them - in what may be Coldplay's most annoying tic - he makes a sound somewhere between a yodel and a hiccup. And the lyrics can make me wish I didn't understand English. Coldplay's countless fans seem to take comfort when Mr. Martin sings lines like, "Is there anybody out there who / Is lost and hurt and lonely too," while a strummed acoustic guitar telegraphs his aching sincerity. Me, I hear a passive-aggressive blowhard, immoderately proud as he flaunts humility. "I feel low," he announces in the chorus of "Low," belied by the peak of a crescendo that couldn't be more triumphant about it.

In its early days, Coldplay could easily be summed up as Radiohead minus Radiohead's beat, dissonance or arty subterfuge. Both bands looked to the overarching melodies of 1970's British rock and to the guitar dynamics of U2, and Mr. Martin had clearly heard both Bono's delivery and the way Radiohead's Thom Yorke stretched his voice to the creaking point.

Unlike Radiohead, though, Coldplay had no interest in being oblique or barbed. From the beginning, Coldplay's songs topped majesty with moping: "We're sinking like stones," Mr. Martin proclaimed. Hardly alone among British rock bands as the 1990's ended, Coldplay could have been singing not only about private sorrows but also about the final sunset on the British empire: the old opulence meeting newly shrunken horizons. Coldplay's songs wallowed happily in their unhappiness.

"Am I a part of the cure / Or am I part of the disease," Mr. Martin pondered in "Clocks" on "A Rush of Blood to the Head." Actually, he's contagious. Particularly in its native England, Coldplay has spawned a generation of one-word bands - Athlete, Embrace, Keane, Starsailor, Travis and Aqualung among them - that are more than eager to follow through on Coldplay's tremulous, ringing anthems of insecurity. The emulation is spreading overseas to bands like the Perishers from Sweden and the American band Blue Merle, which tries to be Coldplay unplugged.

A band shouldn't necessarily be blamed for its imitators - ask the Cure or the Grateful Dead. But Coldplay follow-throughs are redundant; from the beginning, Coldplay has verged on self-parody. When he moans his verses, Mr. Martin can sound so sorry for himself that there's hardly room to sympathize for him, and when he's not mixing metaphors, he fearlessly slings clichés. "Are you lost or incomplete," Mr. Martin sings in "Talk," which won't be cited in any rhyming dictionaries. "Do you feel like a puzzle / you can't find your missing piece."

Coldplay reached its musical zenith with the widely sampled piano arpeggios that open "Clocks": a passage that rings gladly and, as it descends the scale and switches from major to minor chords, turns incipiently mournful. Of course, it's followed by plaints: "Tides that I tried to swim against / Brought me down upon my knees."

On "X&Y," Coldplay strives to carry the beauty of "Clocks" across an entire album - not least in its first single, "Speed of Sound," which isn't the only song on the album to borrow the "Clocks" drumbeat. The album is faultless to a fault, with instrumental tracks purged of any glimmer of human frailty. There is not an unconsidered or misplaced note on "X&Y," and every song (except the obligatory acoustic "hidden track" at the end, which is still by no means casual) takes place on a monumental soundstage.

As Coldplay's recording budgets have grown, so have its reverberation times. On "X&Y," it plays as if it can already hear the songs echoing across the world. "Square One," which opens the album, actually begins with guitar notes hinting at the cosmic fanfare of "Also Sprach Zarathustra" (and "2001: A Space Odyssey"). Then Mr. Martin, never someone to evade the obvious, sings about "the space in which we're traveling."

As a blockbuster band, Coldplay is now looking over its shoulder at titanic predecessors like U2, Pink Floyd and the Beatles, pilfering freely from all of them. It also looks to an older legacy; in many songs, organ chords resonate in the spaces around Mr. Martin's voice, insisting on churchly reverence.

As Coldplay's music has grown more colossal, its lyrics have quietly made a shift on "X&Y." On previous albums, Mr. Martin sang mostly in the first person, confessing to private vulnerabilities. This time, he sings a lot about "you": a lover, a brother, a random acquaintance. He has a lot of pronouncements and advice for all of them: "You just want somebody listening to what you say," and "Every step that you take could be your biggest mistake," and "Maybe you'll get what you wanted, maybe you'll stumble upon it" and "You don't have to be alone." It's supposed to be compassionate, empathetic, magnanimous, inspirational. But when the music swells up once more with tremolo guitars and chiming keyboards, and Mr. Martin's voice breaks for the umpteenth time, it sounds like hokum to me.

[skier666]

http://www.axelfrog.com/

You asked for it....to put it in perspective, I was in London for 5 days and I was sick of the damn thing. Oh, and lets see....I barely watched any TV. You'll be watching a TV show, and then the commercials come on. No joke, but I think I saw the commercial 3 times in one commercial break.

I guess they released it as a music single and it went to #1, pretty funny I think.

[Steven S. Dallas]

Holy shit... I'd heard of that thing, but hadn't heard it. Eddie Murphy's career is spinning in its grave.

edit: Oh yeah, Coldplay fucking blows.

[bagtagley]

I initially felt that they were a bit gloomy and depressing, but I guess enough plays in the GFs car muscled me into submission.

I can actually sit and listen to Parachute and enjoy it. Don't Panic has a great sound to it, and I even like the lyrics...I always imagined it being a great song for a slo-mo pow scene.

I've listened to X&Y, and I agree w/ the author. It relies less on the music and more on contrived lyrics and playing off the recent desire for angst and gloom. It sounded really flat overall, and in the end I felt like killing myself. However, that's the same thing I said after hearing the band for the first time years ago.

[Jumper Bones]

The band emanates good intentions, from Mr. Martin's political statements to lyrics insisting on its own benevolence. Coldplay is admired by everyone - everyone except me...

This is funny.

I actually like Coldplay, although there is waaaaaaay too much fanfare associated with them, and how overplayed some of their songs were made them really extremely annoying. However, their first two albums as a whole were really good (although I at first loathed, and still don't like too much, "Yellow"), so I guess I was kind of excited for #3.

It's not too bad. I'm not sure if its as good, as a whole, as the other two, IMO at least. Some songs, it's amazing how much they sound like old old U2, without the kitschiness of U2 as they are now, trying to reach back to their old days. Listen to "Talk", "Low", or "White Shadows", and you'll see exactly what I'm talking about. The second half of the album kind of bogs down, but I guess I'll have to give it more of a fair listen...I've only really listened to it all the way through once, and I wasn't really paying much attention.

Fucking ironic on the cell phone tone though...sad, sad story there.

[Arno]

Oh, and the best part is that I heard their new single was kept from the UK #1 spot by a cell phone ringtone that the Brits find quite funny. Maybe Roo can confirm that.

Not Roo, but am a Brit. Quite irritating I think is how I would describe the ringtone. Skier 666 is right about the saturation of the commercial - our Advertising Standards Authority has had so many complaints that it has issued a statement saying that it can't ban an ad just because it is annoying!

Still, given how seriously Coldplay take themselves I think it is quite funny that Crazy Frog kept them off No1

[Black Market]

they must be puttin something in the water over there..........

[iceman]

http://tetongravity.com/forums/showt...light=coldplay

I think it's clear where I stand on the issue.

[Arty50]

By JON PARELES
Published: June 5, 2005

[Coldplay Sucks!]

Just had to paraphrase that, cause I agree entirely. On the rare occasion I'm actually listening to a radio station that plays that swill, I always find myself slowly succumbing to their brainwash food. Thankfully, I always managed to slap myself awake and realize that it's complete garbage. My problem with them is that they're too perfect...too polished. Whenever I hear them I get visions in my head of fat, greasy, cigar smoking record company executives rubbing their hands together at the thought of 3 million frat boys buying their album. To put it in other words, "Our music is perfect, no?"

[shamrockpow]

Holy shit... I'd heard of that thing, but hadn't heard it. Eddie Murphy's career is spinning in its grave.

What IS wrong with those Brits? Did Beverly Hills Cop never get released in the UK?

[freshies]

i really liked their first album a lot, a friend in the music biz soccassionally sends me CDs prior to their release if he thinks they are good, or i might like them, etc. Parachutes was one of those CDs, and again, i thought it was great - a little Radiohead'ish w/o the sonic noodling, etc.

anyway, i saw them on that first tour play Bimbos in SF (500 or so people), and they were excellent live.

i never bough the 2nd album, but heard it played a lot @ friends houses/cars, etc, and again, found it mildly "ok" from what i heard.

in the ensuing time between that album and this new one, Chris Martin became a sex symbol b/c of the Gwyenth marriage, etc, and i started to cringe anytime i heard their music, saw their picture on mags while standing in line at the grocery store, etc.

so, what really happened here? a band whos first album and early gig i caught who i thought was great is now a band i can not stand....why? because of the contrarian nature/knee-jerk reaction i usually have to anything too popular (see Artys comment about the frat boys, etc - i feel the same way about Dave Matthews, et al), or b/c their music has gotten lamer from that first album? tough to say....

[grrrr]

Their music is lame.

[TheDingleberry]

Whiny, high pitched girl music. That shit sucks.

[Mcwop]

The band name says it all.

[Arty50]

so, what really happened here? a band whos first album and early gig i caught who i thought was great is now a band i can not stand....why? because of the contrarian nature/knee-jerk reaction i usually have to anything too popular (see Artys comment about the frat boys, etc - i feel the same way about Dave Matthews, et al), or b/c their music has gotten lamer from that first album? tough to say....

I think the Stone Roses said it best...

I don’t have to sell my soul
He’s already in me
I don’t need to sell my soul
He’s already in me

I wanna be adored
I wanna be adored

I don’t have to sell my soul
He’s already in me

I don’t need to sell my soul
He’s already in me

I wanna be adored
I wanna be adored

Adored

I wanna be adored
You adore me
You adore me
You adore me
I wanna
I wanna
I wanna be adored

Wanna
I wanna
I wanna be adored

I wanna
I wanna
I wanna be adored

I wanna
I wanna
I gotta be adored

I wanna be adored

[freshies]

I think the Stone Roses said it best...

I don’t have to sell my soul
He’s already in me
I don’t need to sell my soul
He’s already in me

I wanna be adored
I wanna be adored

I don’t have to sell my soul
He’s already in me

I don’t need to sell my soul
He’s already in me

I wanna be adored
I wanna be adored

Adored

I wanna be adored
You adore me
You adore me
You adore me
I wanna
I wanna
I wanna be adored

Wanna
I wanna
I wanna be adored

I wanna
I wanna
I wanna be adored

I wanna
I wanna
I gotta be adored

I wanna be adored

now there is GREAT FACKIN' BAND! The Roses were the shit...

[Benny Profane]

Hey, I just figured it out. Coldplay is the present day Moody Blues.

I dig that guitar thing in "Talk". The Edge should get royalties from that dude. Or at least a drink or two.

[Jumper Bones]

I dig that guitar thing in "Talk". The Edge should get royalties from that dude. Or at least a drink or two.

my thoughts exactly..."Hey, I've heard this before! It's old U2!"

[Game Over]

http://tetongravity.com/forums/showt...light=coldplay

I think it's clear where I stand on the issue.

you posts in this thread are fucking dead on.

classic.

edit- and they just featured that ringtone in cbs weekend marketwatch. I guess ringtones is a huge new industry.