Fuck Cancer

[Trackhead]

I can't imagine any member of your family ever thought of you as a burden, but I definitely get it. I am sure you want to be the provider/protector and having to rely on others probably just doesn't feel natural.

As someone that has gone through this, how do I make sure my wife knows she isn't a burden and there is nothing I won't do for her? I love my wife more than anything in the world but I don't know how to act or how to be supportive. I fucked up and she saw me crying, but hopefully that is the only time she sees that. I really just want to be strong and be whatever she needs me to be to get her through this.

You and your wife will likely find positive things from this if you let them in. I became more grateful of my wife, way less selfish, we stopped taking each other for granted. The cancer sucks, obviously, life will never be what it was. Innocence is forever gone. But you both will see the world differently. Other people’s petty problems will seem just that, petty. You will no longer care about material possessions, keeping up with the Jones’ etc. You will be a better person, nicer, more empathetic. Turned me around 180. I work healthcare and am WAY better at my job now. Not burned out. Cancer changed all that. Hard lesson.

When I got diagnosed I asked the doc when I’d become the stoic cancer patient. It happened pretty quick. Soon you will have a plan from your care team and you’ll commit to it, focus on it, and work towards the goal together. That’s all you can do.

It’s ok to cry together. I sat on the edge of my bed on days 3-4 after chemo balling my brains out. Sitting there in my underwear looking at my hairless body and skinny legs. It sucks, but you guys CAN do it. Don’t feel defeated.

[TBS]

^^^Yea I empathize. Ms TBS came home from work today crying. “I like my job but I don’t think I can do this!” Losing her nose hairs also makes her nose run constantly.

I got some food in her (including a “chemo martini” aka caramel ice cream) and she’s feeling a lot better. Now she’s gonna sleep.

The fatigue and nausea is real. And all the little indignities add up.

As someone that has gone through this, how do I make sure my wife knows she isn't a burden and there is nothing I won't do for her? I love my wife more than anything in the world but I don't know how to act or how to be supportive. I fucked up and she saw me crying, but hopefully that is the only time she sees that. I really just want to be strong and be whatever she needs me to be to get her through this.

Far be it from me to give relationship advice. That said, From ^^^post, I think you know what to do. I trust you’ve told her you’re there for her. Now just do it. When in doubt, ask her what you can do. Be gentle and make sure she is good to herself. And IMO being real is just as important as being “strong”.

Oh, and find some time for yourself. Fortunately I’ve got 35miles of singletrack 8 min away to get rid of the bad energy.

[priapism]

While on high dose steroids for my treatment, I had a near mental breakdown while trying to parallel park. They sure do mess you up

Sorry I don't have too much to add. Fuck cancer, indeed

[Trackhead]

While on high dose steroids for my treatment, I had a near mental breakdown while trying to parallel park. They sure do mess you up

Sorry I don't have too much to add. Fuck cancer, indeed

Yeah, I had a few post infusion euphoria moments from dexamethasone, but that was only like twice out of twelve. The rest of the time was just being glad I sold my Glock 10mm.

[cspringsposer]

Met with the surgeon today and learned the details. 4cm tumor and an aggressive cancer. Plan is to start chemo asap and have surgery end of the year.

Genetic testing will help her decide if it will be a lumpectomy or mastectomy. Apparently at 5cm mastectomy is the only option. I know what I want but they aren't my breasts to take out.

I feel like things are moving quickly. She saw her PCP 11 days ago for the initial appointment and has since had all her imaging done, numerous biopsies, clip inserted and met the surgeon. If all goes well will meet the oncologist this week and get chemo started.

Any recommendations on what can help make chemo a little less horrific? Any tips, tricks or treats would be appreciated. I know it will be incredibly hard on her and I have found in times of adversity it's often the little things that can help you achieve victory.

I also want to genuinely thank everyone that has reached out. For a grumpy bunch of dentists, this place really has a big heart!

[Meadow Skipper]

My tips for chemo are cannabis, make dinner before the treatment so you don’t have the hassle after, and be sure to have a really comfy, quiet resting place.

I was lucky in that I didn’t have to work on chemo days, so I could devote myself to support and care.

[cspringsposer]

Thanks Meadow! I really appreciate it. This is all new to me and I just want to do the best I can to help her through this. I should also be able to take off chemo days, which I am very grateful for.

We don't have kids so she should be able to have lots of peace and quiet. I do most of the cooking and will definitely get everything together before we make the drive to Denver for chemo.

Thanks for the advice!

[Iowagriz]

My wife went through all this 15 years ago. I know that treatment has changed, but for her chemo (they called it the red devil)(AC?), lots of hydration prior and after as it drained her. And lots of Popsicles during and after to prevent burning of the insides of her mouth. She would then sleep for the most of 2 days afterward. So, a quiet place, no chores to worry about, keep it clean so she doesn't obsess about it (my wife is a clean freak).

Lastly, be prepared for an overwhelming feeling of helplessness as you watch her and help her through it. We both almost lost it as the nurse brought the first round in for the IV. The nurse was fully decked out in protective layers, and it hits you that this shit is really toxic.

All that aside, 15 years later and she is still right beside me and I along side of her.

Sent from my SM-S908U using Tapatalk

[cspringsposer]

Thanks brother! I had no clue about burning the mouth. I have my cancer battle book (basically a planner and journal) and am writing all of these tips down.

I am sorry your spouses had to go through this but we will absolutely put the wisdom of their experience to good use!

[TBS]

The day of chemo is not that hard on Ms TBS - she likes to stop for tacos and a horchata on the way home.

It’s day C+2 where Ms TBS starts going downhill - fever/chills, headaches, fatigue and mental fogginess. At C+12 she starts feeling better, to about 90% of pre-diagnosis energy by the time she starts the next round.

During this cycle her sense of taste and smell change radically. Lemon shortbread cookies taste like redhots. Certain seasonings are fine one day and awful the next. She will go days eating just a few slices of toast, other days she’s ravenous.

To deal with these swings, I grill a tri-tip roast and chicken breasts -very lightly seasoned - and slice/refrigerate/reheat/season as needed. Depending on how she feels I can make her up something with whatever carbs she desires. I’m keeping a large selection of fresh fruits handy too. And her favorite comfort foods. And cannabis, although she says she doesn’t need to get any more loopy or sleepy.

Vaya con Dios. Wishing you both the strength and courage to overcome.

[jono]

Be prepared for hypersensitive smelling, maybe after a round or two. Weird stuff can set it off, but soaps and foods are an obvious target. Dishwasher soap just about put me over the edge when no one else could smell it at all.

Chilling the feet, hands and head can help with hair loss and neuropathy. Conversely, I warmed my tumor up, since there seemed to be a large body of moderate evidence supporting that as a way to boost chemo.

Good luck to you both! Sorry you have to go through this. FWIW, I agree with TH that the patient has the easy job. But hopefully we only get to know this thing from one side.

[cspringsposer]

@TBS The surgeon also said that two days after chemo is when it gets rough. I do nearly all of the cooking and will definitely try to have a variety of foods on hand. We have increased her fruit and vegetable intake exponentially, but I am just starting to identify plant based meals. We traditionally have been big meat eaters (her chicken and me beef) but everything we have been reading recommends cutting back significantly on meat. Thanks for the tips and hang in there brother. We are just getting started and this is already the most difficult thing I have ever been through in my life.

@Jono Thank you for the advice and for sharing your experience. Im not quite sure how to control smells, but hopefully she will tell me if something bothers her so I can get rid of it. Any chance you did cold scalp therapy? If so, any luck saving the hair? She is definitely prepared to lose it but I am hoping she gets lucky and is able to keep it for moral purposes. Thanks again for the help and great to hear you beat it!

[::: :::]

cspringsposer, it sounds like you will be on top of this as best as anyone can

do remember to step back and take a deep breath every so often. Your stress translates outward. If you can be centered, confident & positive (to the extent that’s possible) for your wife, she will appreciate your support & stability. [crying has nothing to do with that; cry when you need to and with her if that’s how it happens; she wants to know you’re human, not a robot]

Best to you both & especially your wife with the treatment

[John_B]

The one tidbit I would add is to be willing and able to receive help from others. Whether that is some sort of meal train or other folks occasionally taking your wife to chemo. It's a hard thing for close friends to deal with as well and they are looking for ways to help out.

[cspringsposer]

cspringsposer, it sounds like you will be on top of this as best as anyone can

do remember to step back and take a deep breath every so often. Your stress translates outward. If you can be centered, confident & positive (to the extent that’s possible) for your wife, she will appreciate your support & stability. [crying has nothing to do with that; cry when you need to and with her if that’s how it happens; she wants to know you’re human, not a robot]

Best to you both & especially your wife with the treatment

Thanks brother. I havent yet figured out the balance of being strong and not being a robot. I definitely broke down and balled when we got the news but have since been trying to keep it together to help her confidence and show that I will be strong so she doesnt have to. I have had to take a drive numerous times to cry it out away from her. No idea if that is the right thing to do. I really dont know what to do so I am just trying to listen to those of you that have been through this and trying to be the very best partner I can be to help get her through this.

I truly appreciate the advice from everyone. I honestly feel lost trying to figure this out and every little tidbit of information helps.

[cspringsposer]

The one tidbit I would add is to be willing and able to receive help from others. Whether that is some sort of meal train or other folks occasionally taking your wife to chemo. It's a hard thing for close friends to deal with as well and they are looking for ways to help out.

Thanks John. I have heard this a few times now so I am getting the feeling it is important. Like most of us probably, I try to take on everything and shield those I love . We have been married 23 years, never had kids and rely almost exclusively on each other. Asking for help is not always my strongest trait, but I am figuring out pretty quickly there is no way I can do this on my own.

[cspringsposer]

Have any of you or your significant others that have been through this been able to exercise during chemo to keep strength up? My wife is pretty active and is concerned about losing the bit of strength and stamina that she has left. She tore her ACL at Wolf Creek the end March and had ACL reconstruction the begining of April. She has been itching to start exercising again and then she gets hit with this. It's been a hell of a few months around here!

[priapism]

Have any of you or your significant others that have been through this been able to exercise during chemo to keep strength up? My wife is pretty active and is concerned about losing the bit of strength and stamina that she has left. She tore her ACL at Wolf Creek the end March and had ACL reconstruction the begining of April. She has been itching to start exercising again and then she gets hit with this. It's been a hell of a few months around here!

Definitely walk and keep up the exercise to whatever degree she is comfortable with. I found that fresh air did wonders for my nausea. Anemia may be a problem for strenuous activity, so can't go too hard on the cardio, but I did occasionally bike and managed to ski once during my chemo breaks. It sounds like she is fit and healthy and that definitely pays off in how treatment and symptoms can affect her.
Also check with providers if VitD supplements are necessary, it's easy to become deficient when resting inside a lot. As for eating meat, sometimes it's the easiest way to get some nutrients (namely B12). Simple textures and flavors are safest but also ask her what food she feels like having (any food >> not eating).
Another thing, sometimes friends will ask if it's ok to stop by and visit. I know I preferred the impulsivity rather than figuring out what ideal times were, so see if you can manage that on her behalf to make it seem effortless. I just wrapped up 10 months of chemo back in March (leukemia) and while the meds are different, they all make you feel like shit. And also if steroids are on her meds list...you may find yourself a target of agitation and frustration; don't take it personally, it's the medication. Caregiving is a tough job.

My wife went through all this 15 years ago. I know that treatment has changed, but for her chemo (they called it the red devil)(AC?), lots of hydration prior and after as it drained her. And lots of Popsicles during and after to prevent burning of the insides of her mouth. She would then sleep for the most of 2 days afterward. So, a quiet place, no chores to worry about, keep it clean so she doesn't obsess about it (my wife is a clean freak).

These are all really good. Wish I chilled my hands when I got infusions, as certain chemo drugs cause more neuropathy. Also it helps to keep things clean because the immune system will be weak, and get a silicone/neoprene shower cuff to cover her PICC line if she has one placed (way better than the sleeve gloves the hospital will provide)

[SorryBro]

Thanks John. I have heard this a few times now so I am getting the feeling it is important. Like most of us probably, I try to take on everything and shield those I love . We have been married 23 years, never had kids and rely almost exclusively on each other. Asking for help is not always my strongest trait, but I am figuring out pretty quickly there is no way I can do this on my own.

Speaking as a dad, whose 12 year old son had cancer:

Get the "try to take on everything" mentality out of mind as soon as possible! Your friends and family (if you have them nearby) WANT to help you, they just won't have any idea how to do it.

Ask, Ask, Ask. Doesn't matter how trivial. Here is a small list of things done for us, and things we actively asked for (and should have asked sooner)

--Meals: Drop off meals that are easy to reheat and take little preparation. Feel free to tell people you aren't up for visiting and leave it at the front door. We found that sometimes when people came to show support/care, they ended up staying longer, or wanting to talk about how patient is doing. You won't always want to be in a sad mood about how treatment is going, and people can bring you down (they are not trying to, but that's the reality).

--Shopping: Ask people to go shopping for you and bring it over to you. You can use grocery delivery, but sometimes it's easier to ask a neighbor to just pick up extra stuff during their visit, OR if you wife wants something, ask them to go grab it for her.

--Funds for house cleaners: You are going to tire down. Marathon, not sprint. Your capacity to do things around the house will drop dramatically. My mother-in-law showed up one day and cleaned our entire house over the course of 4 hours. Made us feel great. Ask a friend to setup an account or Venmo link for you for funds to hire a cleaning person.

--Cancer Support Groups: Unfortunately, adults are not given the support groups or fun activities that children are, but I highly recommend having your wife, if she is comfortable, joining a group (online works best) to discuss feelings, tips, etc. Search online for one near you and ask your oncologist if they have any recommendations. The more my son spoke about his feelings, the better he felt. You are doing great asking for advice here, but make sure not to forget the emotional support another cancer patient can provide your wife.

The most important thing to realize is there will be good and bad days. Don't beat yourself up during the bad ones, and enjoy the good ones.

Edit: Search your zipcode here for a list of resources in your area. https://www.cancer.org/support-progr...ce-search.html

Take care,

[Meadow Skipper]

Have any of you or your significant others that have been through this been able to exercise during chemo to keep strength up? My wife is pretty active and is concerned about losing the bit of strength and stamina that she has left. She tore her ACL at Wolf Creek the end March and had ACL reconstruction the begining of April. She has been itching to start exercising again and then she gets hit with this. It's been a hell of a few months around here!

I imagine she will determine if/when exercise will happen. Big factors are the effects and the timing of the chemo drugs, which varies. She’ll probably let you know if she wants to try being active, but she might be disappointed by her fatigue for highly active stuff. Reassure her that it’s temporary until the treatments are over. Walks are good.

[cspringsposer]

Wow! I have really felt lost and overwhelmed since we started this journey last week but these recommendations and advice are incredible! I am writing everything down in my cancer battle book and know I will be referencing the information as the situations dictate.

I am still terrified that I am not prepared for this and that I might miss something and let her down, but all of this guidance is making me slightly less terrified.

Genuine gratefulness for all of you and the direction you are sharing with me. Someone should really write a book with all of this information. I dont understand why they don't give you a book along with a cancer diagnosis that has all of this information.

TBS, Meadow, Sorry, Priaprism, John, ::: :::, Jono, Iowa, Trackhead, Ian, Jacques, Skared, Tri, and anyone else I might have missed, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Reading some of this to my wife brought her to tears of gratefulness. If there is ever ANYTHING I can do for any of you, if you ever need help with something in CO, I am your guy. I am truly indebted to all of you!

[Trackhead]

Different chemo regimens have different side effects. My worst acute side effect was constipation so bad I gave myself two enemas at the horror of my oncologist. I consumed 3-4 capfuls of Miralax nearly every day for six months of chemo. I’d ask about constipation. They will tell you to take senna or similar stool softener, it didn’t work for me, only Miralax.

Sleep can be problematic depending on chemo drugs. I took melatonin 20mg (a lot) every night. Doxorubicin (red devil) can be cardio toxic. Some studies suggest exercise and melatonin may be cardio protective (not medical advice).
Your wife will urinate cranberry red urine for the first 12-16 hours after chemo, it’s the drug passing.

Days 3-4 post chemo were worst for me. Day five was a lot better. I skied, climbed, rode my bike through chemo. Wasn’t easy but I did it. Also built a truck camper, worked a little bit. Walked a ton. Force her (gently) to get out and walk by day 5. Don’t assume chemo means you are house bound.

The anti nausea drugs before chemo give you a bad taste:smell when injected. I could hardly tolerate it. I would suck on hard candy and look away. Put port numbing cream on an hour before port access, makes it painless.

Halfway through chemo:


Riding 10 mile climb with my kid, anemic slow but ok.


Near the end of chemo:


Pulling a Nordic groomer non motorized, 65lbs, during chemo (not recommended). Bald no eye lashes or eyebrows

[jono]

@Jono Thank you for the advice and for sharing your experience. Im not quite sure how to control smells, but hopefully she will tell me if something bothers her so I can get rid of it. Any chance you did cold scalp therapy? If so, any luck saving the hair? She is definitely prepared to lose it but I am hoping she gets lucky and is able to keep it for moral purposes. Thanks again for the help and great to hear you beat it!

I wish I'd done more cold for my feet, hands and head. Shoulda worn less hats, but a short haircut may have helped, too--I did keep about half of my hair and it grew back fast. I did chemo during ski season so balancing temps was a little different. Extreme cold sensitivity is definitely a thing, too, but much more intense in the moment. The story with temperature seems to be that even a little change can help, but more and longer is better, so whatever isn't uncomfortable just keep at it. I had a reusable hand warmer on me at all times--maybe a quiver of those soft ice packs?

Ultimately she'll be the one to notice smells. In my case it mostly meant keeping the dishwasher closed if I was within 30 ft--even if it was cold, dry and empty. Since it gets worse later, maybe make a note of any complaints early on in your book in case there's a way to adjust before the next round when annoyance may become torture.

Along those lines, IDK how well cannabis would have worked, but for me the antiemetic drugs did great unless I forgot and took them too late--definitely not a "listen to your body" kinda thing.

Do listen to the body about hard exercise, but try for some minimum on the worst days--a little walk can pay big dividends in a few hours or a day (constipation, general energy levels, mood...) I got more than average, but if I wasn't nervous about it I'd have gone a bit harder when I felt good. The steroids give windows (sometimes brief) and the muscles that got used survived. On that front, I probably should have asked my docs about max heart rate, exertion etc rather than "exercise." (See "red devil" in TH's post.)

Motivation is tough. Two thoughts I found useful were, first thing in the morning: "what am I going to do to kill cancer today?" (Standing up was usually the first thing.) And cancer is like one of those nutso team races where everybody has to finish: sometimes you bonk and it's your turn to go on tether and let someone pull while you steer and just stay upright and keep pedaling, however slow. The ego wants to rebel but the ego is wrong, as usual.

[cspringsposer]

Thank you Jono. Thank you TH. When you mention cold for hands and feet, what exactly do you mean? I have been reading about cold caps but haven't seen anything about hands and feet yet.

It's really great to hear you both kicked cancer's ass!Thank you for passing on the lessons you learned to those just starting this process. The people and discussion at this place blow me away sometimes! I can't thank all of you enough and hope one day to repay the kindness!

[Trackhead]

Also, I felt like I had a urinary tract infection for a few days after chemo, but it was just the damn drugs wreaking havoc on my urethra. Same for the mouth, had some oral stomatitis. Chemo savages the mucous membranes, so the urinary tract infection symptoms were just chemo related. Kind of a burning with urination kinda feeling. I used a mouth rinse of baking soda/salt in water, dilute, that helped with the mouth pain. My oral stomatitis stopped happening after 5 infusions for some reason. Cumulative fatigue was real though.

I also gained weight during chemo, maybe 5-7 lbs. Lost muscle mass, mostly in my legs for some reason. Six months out from chemo I'm feeling pretty normal on the bike again. My end of treatment echocardiogram was normal, thankfully. Most folks getting doxorubicin get an echocardiogram before treatment begins, and another down the road depending on how long treatment is.

Again, I'm NOT an oncologist, this was just my experience.

So sorry for what you are going through. This thread about puts me in tears whenever I post in it, but I feel a connection to cancer patients and families, even you TGR strangers. I'd give my left leg to help any cancer patient out in any way possible.