And keep the FUCKING LETTUCE out of it...mmmK?

[rideit]

https://medium.com/comedy-corner/fd08c0babb57


Guy Who Just Made My Burrito:
Have you ever been to earth?

On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:

You’re an idiot.

Let me further explain:

Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layers lengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.

Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.

When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito.

And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what:

Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.

Nope.

My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET.

You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers.

And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT’S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE.

What’s that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DON’T WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DON’T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN.

I just want a burrito.

In conclusion:

You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.

UPDATE FOR EVERYONE WHO SAID “JUST EAT IT WITH A FORK”:

A fucking fork?

I DIDN’T ORDER THE FUCKING COBBURRITO SALAD.

If anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork, THEY WOULD BE WEARING A BRAND NEW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION TEN SECONDS LATER.

That’s like buying a car and having them hand you a fucking wrench with the keys. Like YEAH WE KNOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER’S GOING TO EXPLODE AND BE SPREAD ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU HIT THE GAS, BUT SHIT, WE GAVE YOU A WRENCH, SO BE COOL.

Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of each arm. They’re called fucking HANDS.

A fork. My god. I haven’t cried since I was six, but I’m fucking sobbing now.

People eat burritos with forks?

God is sorry he made us.

[HansJob]

O Si! Thanks some funny shit.

[liv2ski]

Damn...tough day? Didn't read the rant, but I like lettuce, tomatoes, avo, etc in my carne asada burrito. Maybe make it yourself???

[rideit]

Read the rant!

[bfree]

Didn't read the rant

Then you missed the whole point. I also thought this was going to be a rant on why lettuce doesn't belong in a real burrito...but still funny nonetheless!

[rideit]

The lettuce thing is an old thing from long ago on here...

[MMP]

at least the words burritobomination and cobburrito are good things that came from this travesty.

vibes

[Rip'nStick]

Heh heh. Lots of gems in there.

But seriously, did someone actually do that.... God save us from ourselves

[irul&ublo]

Normally, I don't like lettuce in burritos. However, Tacos Jalisco on 16th St in Sacto puts lettuce in theirs and it works.

[Bunion 2020]

I prefer the green leafy stuff as a cool and crunchy garnish on the side rather than a warm wilted mess in the middle. And push to shove I prefer cabbage over lettuce, but that's just me.

[bushman]

At least the sour cream was not the hand whipped variety ,or was it?

[Meadow Skipper]

Travesty! Out them. Who perpetrated that horror?

I'll get a rope.

[riser4]

Beverage on monitor. Gold. I do love me a good rant. Rock the burritobomination. As a side dish you should see what my 8 yo does on taco night. Who knew you could do that with a soft taco shell. :shock:

[skiballs]

Read the rant!

NO, cuz I'll bet you're complaining about the cucumber sticking out of hugh's ass, while you toss his salad.

[userA]

burrito chef was just trying to put together the newest california delight, the stacked burro.
b

[capulin overdrive]

Rice is my pet peeve. Should be used as a side only!

As mentioned in the rant, a burrito is to be eaten from one end to other. Why the hell does that obomination called Adobe fold them up into a square blob?


A burrito is meat, carmelized veggies, and pico!

[Tippster]

I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla...

My favorite line.

[Benny Profane]

I never thought of my hand as a fork until now.

[Zedsdead]

Lettuce don't belong in burritos.

Beans don't belong in tacos.

Get it right you fucking gringos!

[riser4]

Lettuce don't belong in burritos.

Beans don't belong in tacos.

Get it right you fucking gringos!

That's why at my house I call them fajit-a-burracos on soft shell night. It's all on the table, put whatever you want in it, just you got to eat what you slay.

[Danno]

Burrito vibes. But gotta say, mixing it up does work, doesn't create soup.