Joke Thread...

[Caucasian Asian]

One day a Habs fan met a fairy who said she'd grant him one wish. He said, "I'd like to
live forever!" The fairy responded, "Sorry, that one's not permitted
anymore." So the Habs fan said, "Ok, then just let me live until the
Leafs win the Stanley Cup!" The fairy said, "You sneaky bastard!"

[Captain Awesome]

Sven and Ole are fishing on a bridge. Ole keeps nagging that she has to pee and wants to leave. Sven finally tells her he's not leaving, and tells her to hang it over the other side and be done with it.
When she comes back she tells Sven, " I think I peed on someone."

"why would you think that?" He Asks

She replies........



" I looked down when i was goin' and saw a canoe fulla' moose meat go under me."

I tried and tried, but couldn't figure this one out. Is it a poop joke? A dirty fisherman joke? Or maybe a Scandinavian-American joke, like Betty White would've told on Golden Girls?

[Crampedon]

A horse walks into a bar

The bartender, a cow says, " why the long face?"

[Crampedon]

I tried and tried, but couldn't figure this one out. Is it a poop joke? A dirty fisherman joke? Or maybe a Scandinavian-American joke, like Betty White would've told on Golden Girls?

Simplify

A black guy and a texan are peeing of the golden gate bridge

the texans says," man the water is COLD"

Black guys says, " yeah, and it's deep too"

[karpiel]

I tried and tried, but couldn't figure this one out. Is it a poop joke? A dirty fisherman joke? Or maybe a Scandinavian-American joke, like Betty White would've told on Golden Girls?

Think about it.

Here's a canoe.


Here's some moose meat.


Now remember, she is peeing over water and looks down.

[digitaldeath]

did you hear that deanna farve came out and said the cock shot text messages were intended for her? she said no one should be surprised that they were intercepted...
HAR HAR

[Captain Awesome]

Got it. That was a fantastically yonic canoe, by the way.

[Long duc dong]

A guy in a restaurant looks over and sees a slamming hot chick dining alone. He tells the waiter, "bring that chick a bottle of champagne, and tell her it is from me."

The waiter complies, and the chick responds: "Before I accept this bottle I have to know that he has a Mercedes in the garage, a million in the bank, and eight inches in his pants."

The waiter returns to the guy and gives him the news. He responds:

"You tell her I've got two million in the bank, and two Mercedes in the garage, but I just met her, so why would I want to cut off four inches?"

[Long duc dong]

So my wife asks me "why don't you make love to me like they do in the movies?"

I did, and she got mad.

I guess we watch different kinds of movies.

[digitaldeath]

more jokes ppppppleeeeeeeeeeeeease

what do you get if you cross a jew and a mexican?









a janitor who owns the building!!!

[wicked_sick]

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

“Why are you eating grass?” he asked one man.

“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied.

“Oh, well, you can come with me to my house,” instructed the lawyer.

“But, sir, I have a wife and two kids with me!”

“Bring them along!” said the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, “You come with us, too.”

“But, Sir, I have a wife and six kids!” he answered.

“Bring them as well!” answered the lawyer, as he headed for his limo.

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall!”

[basinbeater]

What do women and kfc have in common?









Once you're done with the breasts and the thighs, you still have a greasy box to throw your bone in!

[Skipig25]

How are blowjobs like cake?

Men say "That sounds great, I'll have that"

and women say "hmmm, I really shouldn't, but alright"

[PaSucks]

Why do chicken coups only have two doors?


















If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

[PaSucks]

A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen." "That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore I chose "Carmen". "What's your name?" she asked. He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."

[Downbound Train]

The young Indian boy had spent most of his life in a quandry... He felt different yet... couldn't figure why... he was just so depressed. He went to the Chief for answers... He asked the chief how his brother Red Deer Running had gotten his name...

The chief answered in his typically poetic way..."When Red Deer Running was born, at the moment of his birth, the first thing his mother saw was a beautiful deer running off into the forest... and so Running Deer was named. It is the custom of our tribe to name the offspring according to the spirits in nature visiting upon the birth."

Then, the boy said to the Chief... And how did my sister "Thundering Bird" get her name? The chief described again, how at the moment of her birth Thundering Bird's mother had heard a roar of thunder and looking up, saw a bird flying in the sky...

The boy asked again, how his cousin "White Crouching Bear" had been given such a name... And the chief, looking down once more at the boy, explaining the traditions of their tribe.... White Bear's mother had seen a rare white bear crouched over a stream at the moment her baby's birth. Then he asked the boy...

"Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"

[Big Snowballs]

I come from a family of 18 kids on account of my mother being hard of hearing.
Cause ever night after our parents put us to bed, my dad would sit down beside my mom and ask her "you want watch TV or do you want to What?" she would always turn to him and say "What?"

[The Duke of Hurl]

A man and woman are at dinner, celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary. After a bottle of wine and a nice meal, the man leans back and says, "You know honey, there's been something I've wanted to ask you for a long time. I've noticed that little Jimmy doesn't really resemble the other four kids at all. You can tell me, is it possible that he had a different father than the others?"

"I'm so ashamed, yes."

"Who was it?"

"You."

[Skipig25]

What did the buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

make me one with everything.

[splat]

So the hot dog vendor made the Buddhist his hot dog.
The Buddhist gave him a twenty and the hot dog vendor put it in his pocket.
The Buddhist said "Where's my change?"
And the hot dog vendor said "Change must come from within."

[Helldawg]

Two young woodpeckers are pecking away, and arguing over whether the tree is a beech, or a birch. Back and forth they go, beech, birch, yada yada yada.

So along comes an older, wiser woodpecker, and takes a few pokes at the tree while listening to the argument. He then chimes in, "Young fellers, this tree is neither beech, nor birch. Fact is, it's the finest piece of ash I've ever put my pecker in".

[farmer]

How do you tell if an engineer is an introvert or an extrovert?

The extrovert will look at your feet when he is talking.

[dan_pdx]

So the hot dog vendor made the Buddhist his hot dog.
The Buddhist gave him a twenty and the hot dog vendor put it in his pocket.
The Buddhist said "Where's my change?"
And the hot dog vendor said "Change must come from within."

Now, the way I heard it, the hot dog vendor was just yanking his chain because the Buddhist had said "Make me one with everything" and then smiled like he was God's gift to Buddhist humor.

[halcyon]

Three statisticians are at an archery range:
The first shoots at the target and misses 10 meters to the left.
The second misses 10 meters to the right.
The third starts jumping up and down yelling "I hit it!."

[OSECS]

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York two days before Christmas and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Do not do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.

The man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Christmas and paying their own way."