Hi - my name is frozenwater, or alias & my life as I know it is over

**alias** · 03-19-2009, 10:21 PM

I apoligize for the blog.

You see my wife of 15 years and the mother to my 9 & 12 year old just left me. She thinks I am great, and loves me - she just isn't in love with me.

She wants the nice home I have fixed up over the last 2 years, and I can move into the home that I was renting but since the economy is so bad my renters bailed on me. So I move out of my life and into some sort of new life April 1st.

My company cut my salary 20% last year. Then 10% last week. They probably won't make it through the summer. I can't seem to find work another job even though I have an MBA and a Bachelors of accounting.

So I probably will need to declare bankruptcy.

In trying to make my wifes life happy I have pretty much stopped hanging out with friends. So I don't have a close connection there anymore. (to my friends reading this - I am sorry, I was trying to save a marriage - I hope you forgive my absence and I hope we can push past the distance I created)

I really don't know what to do now. My life hasn't ended, and for the sake of my 2 beautiful daughters I won't end my life - but right now I really can't think of a reason other than them to hold onto.

I hope this doesn't fuck with their heads to much. I hope someday I can find happiness again. But I think that might be to much to ask for.

Fuck.

**Pow4Brains** · 03-19-2009, 10:27 PM

Vibes. You will find happiness and your new life WILL be better in the long run. FWIW - Start by finding your friends again.

**Tippster** · 03-19-2009, 10:28 PM

Restart, Fred. You can do this.

**Tap** · 03-19-2009, 10:28 PM

keep your head up. so much of what many of us are going through is no fault of our own, but the fallout of a shitty economy and the stresses that come with it. marriages and people are stressed to the point of breaking. fucking shit is bad right now.

i wish you the best, mang.

**mtnbikerskierchick** · 03-19-2009, 10:28 PM

Hang in there. Maggots are always here to help. I can't think of many things that could be worse. But, you'll get through this, with the help of your friends. And you'll be stronger for it. And, I do believe you can find happiness again, once you have healed. Let us know what we can do to help.

**stapes** · 03-19-2009, 10:30 PM

+++Vibes+++ Serious vibes.

Keep your head up. Reach out to those friends and build back up those relationships. Talk to them.

DO NOT end your life.

And go skiing.

**alias** · 03-19-2009, 10:32 PM

I saw this coming. hell I posted here about it as oltimer.

I tried so hard to make this work, she is still the love of my life. I have been super husband for years now - trying everyday to get her to love me again.

I feel like such a failure! I feel like the fight of my life, and for all that is good in it has been lost.

How do I get through this? How do I do this?????

**Sublime** · 03-19-2009, 10:34 PM

Damn frozen i'm sorry to hear all that. You still have two wonderful beautiful daughters and with your job one door closes another one opens. As for your bros any good one would read this and give you a call.

Vibes bro.

**Sublime** · 03-19-2009, 10:36 PM

Originally Posted by alias

I saw this coming. hell I posted here about it as oltimer.

I tried so hard to make this work, she is still the love of my life. I have been super husband for years now - trying everyday to get her to love me again.

How do I get through this? How do I do this?????

You will find another love you may feel like it will never happen or you may not want it to happen but you will. Who wouldn't want a super husband with two awesome kids?

One day at a time.

**rideit** · 03-19-2009, 10:45 PM

Booze is also a cruel, cruel mistress.
I know.

**neck beard** · 03-19-2009, 10:47 PM

I don't know you at all. But...

Originally Posted by alias

I
I feel like such a failure! I feel like the fight of my life, and for all that is good in it has been lost.

...some of it is lost, yet not all. You will be a great father for many many years to come. Kid's need and love their Dad, even when they are adults their 30's. You have all that ahead of you still and they will love you forever if you keep it on track. Don't let anything change that, though I can't imagine how hard it would be to be where you are.

**El Chupacabra** · 03-19-2009, 10:48 PM

+++++++++++++++++++++++

Hang in there, Fred. Like Tap said, lots of bad stuff going on now -- I know it's hard, but try to keep it going, for yourself and for your daughters.

Call someone you know & trust well, now. Doesn't matter if it's late, they'll understand. Please do it.

**alias** · 03-19-2009, 10:49 PM

Thanks everyone. I needed someone to talk too. Perhaps it is a sad mirror of truth on my life that this is my family, but you see - it is.

I know this sounds fucked up & needy, but I need you guys. Life is messed, I'm off the rails here.

I will try not to mope about for too long. But please put up with me.

You see, we met when she was 15 and I was 17. She dated my friends, I dated hers. I went on this fucked up mission for the mormon church for 2 years and she is the only one who wrote me.

I got home and we married. Life was awesome. We struggled through school together, she got her RN I got my Masters. We started a family together. Our girls are BEAUTIFUL, and so smart. they are so precious to me.

about 6 years ago I threw a nitrogen cylinder into a fire while camping and drunk. It was mothers day. It blew up camp. She woke up, was rightfully mad and she didn't talk to me for a day. The drive home from moab was 5 hours. Not a word.

Something happened, I literally felt the fog of depression slip over me on that ride. I fought through it eventually, but I was depressed for 2 years. Not lay in your bed depressed, or not ski depressed, or yell at your wife and kids depressed, I just didn't have a love for life. Depression pills made it worse.

Now - I honestly think I have been free of depression for 2 years. but she lost her love for me and she can't get it back. I can't be good enough to make her heart open up again.

It will haunt me forever that the love of my life, my childhood sweetheart, the girl I have been in love with for 20 of my 37 years isn't in love with me.

How do I turn this love for her off? I can't even get angry at her for this.

How do I make it through this long night? How do I go to work tomorrow? How do I live without her in my life?

**El Chupacabra** · 03-19-2009, 10:53 PM

I don't know where you and your wife are in your relationship, so maybe this has already been discussed (or tried), but: counseling?

**MTT** · 03-19-2009, 10:55 PM

Hey,
No way can I try to put a positive spin on your situation. I feel bad that you’re hurting so much.

Just keep getting up every day and do the little things that make life worth living.

I have been in a pretty low place a couple times in my life and I have learned something.
As bad as your life might seem right now? It can get even worse, OR IT CAN GET ALLOT BETTER.

It’s really up to you

Good luck, hope I hit UTAH next winter and end up making some turns with a happy, healthy Frozen:biggrin

**alias** · 03-19-2009, 10:57 PM

Originally Posted by El Chupacabra

I don't know where you and your wife are in your relationship, so maybe this has already been discussed (or tried), but: counseling?

non starter for her. She doesn't believe in it. Thinks it is not a true science or something.

she doesn't WANT to fight for us, she wants to leave me.

& rideit - I am pretty far from an alcoholic. In fact this month I have had booze one night. I probably drink 2 beers a week and maybe have cocktails with friends 1 night a month. Right now I am not thinking "I need to get wasted" not even a thought even though I have a cupboard full of booze. Thank god that particular demon isn't chasing me.

goodnight everyone. I am going to go read a book and try and fall asleep. I think I have cried myself out.

**Sublime** · 03-19-2009, 11:00 PM

Originally Posted by alias

goodnight everyone. I am going to go read a book and try and fall asleep. I think I have cried myself out.

Everyone will be right here when you wake up.

**rideit** · 03-19-2009, 11:01 PM

That's good to hear, because from the sidelines, it kinda seems like that was a major issue.
Carry on, fight the good fight.
But for me, it is a dangerous element, relationship-wise...(nice blog)

**MTslackcountry** · 03-19-2009, 11:03 PM

hang in there bro!!!!!!!!!!!!!! be strong your kids will thank you

**Pow4Brains** · 03-19-2009, 11:06 PM

Originally Posted by alias

Now - I honestly think I have been free of depression for 2 years.

This should be something you know. My wife works with this kind of stuff, if you need someone to talk to shoot me a PM.

Some things can be helped with pills and chemical imbalances are real. Don't be afraid to try again.

Take a deep breath and think about your life with your daughters. You are the reason they are here.

**Patches** · 03-19-2009, 11:11 PM

Frozenwater, I can't honestly tell you that it will get better for sure, but the chances are about 99.9% that it will. I know tons of people who have gone through this including my parents, and every single one of them is happy right now. Its a long road and you will make it - there are many people in your situation but without the education and good health. Its a long road back to a happy place but you have every advantage in getting there. Good luck.

**stapes** · 03-19-2009, 11:11 PM

Originally Posted by alias

How do I turn this love for her off? I can't even get angry at her for this.

How do I make it through this long night? How do I go to work tomorrow? How do I live without her in my life?

You love her. You can't help that. That cannot just be turned off. Slowly, your feelings will evolve.

It will take time, no doubt. Keep busy. Do what makes you happy. But it will get better, I can say from personal experience.

Hope the sleep is well and tomorrow is a step in the right direction.

There was a quote I read once that was something along the lines of:

"What seems like the end may really be the beginning......."

That always seemed to help me a bit.

Be well.

**Rubicon** · 03-19-2009, 11:17 PM

Originally Posted by alias

How do I get through this? How do I do this?????

You do it by focusing on the things that are the most important to you, your daughters, and don't get in a hurry to answer all the other questions that are flooding your thoughts right now; or feel that you have to solve all the problems you are facing. You can't, and trying to will just use up the energy that you should be using for the things that you can do something about.

Don't be ashamed of reaching out and reestablishing your friendships. Of all the things that are within your control this may be the most important thing you can do for yourself right now.

It's OK to not have all the answers.