Utah Bathroom Suppliers Panic As Beer Restrictions Lifted
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Soon, the cans laying around Utah's ski resorts will be emblazoned with numbers higher than 3.2. section318 photo.
Pandemonium reigns at the Ogden-based Utah Bathroom Suppliers Consortium as news of Governor Gary Herbert's intention to sign SB132 spreads around the water cooler. The bill, which lifts Utah's notorious and longstanding restrictions on the alcohol content of beer sold in grocery and convenience stores, has created what longtime UBSC employee Josiah Smith described as a "total fucking crisis" for the state's urinal cake and hand soap distributors.
"Think about it," said the frantic purveyor of lavender-scented air freshener, "People will be drinking at least 25% less beer by volume, and some estimates predict a 40% reduction as IPAs enter the market. We're talking about the loss of millions of annual bathroom visits."
Smith's concern is well-founded. Studies have found that beer-consuming Utahns visit the restroom 30% more than residents of neighboring states, rendering the state a goldmine for those who provide the copious amounts of paper towels and other sundries consumed in the loo.
However, Smith has a backup plan: "I'm getting out of the air-freshener business," he says. "The amount of alcohol-induced on-slope collisions is about to skyrocket, and who's going to be there to satisfy the litigious desires of pissed-off Deer Valley skiers who just got smoked by a wasted tourist? That's right: Smith, Smith, Smith & Smith."
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Meanwhile, the lineup of beater Subaru Foresters outside local grocery stores eclipsed the lines heading towards Little Cottonwood Canyon. "We're stoked," said the beverage manager at Salt Lake's Whole Foods, "It's hard to motivate ski bums to spend money on fake beer, but now we'll be selling artsy craft brews at a significant markup. They even passed the bill in time for Gaper Day!"
Teton Gravity reached out to Max Ford, an SLC-area skier, for his reaction to the news. Unfortunately, he was unavailable for comment. A late-night, heavily-slurred voicemail explained that he was busy "frickin' shreddin' slush and poundin' brews at Party Mountain."
