Get ready for winter with TGR's Registered Fitness Enthusiasts, Jonathan Desabris and Ryan Dunfee. All photos by Jenna Mahaffie.
Here on tetongravity.com, we've showcased plenty of the pre-season training routines of some of today's top athletes, like Angel Collinson and Nick Martini. But none of them properly prepare the average skier or snowboarder for the real demands of a winter on the slopes and in the backcountry. The harsh realities of high altitude, painful boots, whiteout conditions, bushwhacking, and eating shit are rarely addressed in traditional workout regimes.
Never ones to leave our audience hanging, we here at Teton Gravity Research have spent months developing a training regime–specifically designed to address these situations–with some of today's least reputable and most clueless fitness amateurs. Our combined toiling has produced TGR's Officially Asinine Unofficial 9-Step Pre-Season Training Program, a fitness program unrivaled in its extreme-ness and unique approach to training the body and mind for the true demands of snowsports. Enjoy this new routine, divulged in its entirety, for FREE, right here on Tetongravity.com, the industry leader in cutting-edge fitness.
Step #1: Hydrate and Stretch Lightly
There's no going cold into TGR's pre-season fitness program. Hydrate aggressively with cheap hops (beer) and stretch lightly for a maximum of 20 seconds. You should not expect to touch your toes. If you're flexible enough to do so, we don't like you.
Step #2: The "Super Gripped" Circuit
The hot trend for the 2014/2015 season is to be "super gripped" on the hill, i.e. totally terrified at the top of every line you ride. In order to train for this state of mind, which you'll need to be in for the remainder of the training program, blindfold yourself and drive, at speed, through the nearest school zone. Repeat several reps until you've had a mild heart aneurysm due to the stress.
Step #3: Altitude Training Circuit
While you may have spent your summer in the valley or at sea level, the biggest moments of your winter will happen high at altitude. Whether it's a big line or a long ridgeline hike, your body's going to need to be prepped for the lack of oxygen. To train for this, breath in and out of a plastic bag with full, athletic breaths.
Continue with the circuit until you pass out, at which point, switch off with your training partner.
Step #4: Ski Boot Discomfort Circuit
In order to train for the unrivaled discomfort of ski boots–with their pressure points, squashed arches, sixth toe pain, and bunions–speed-walk laps on the nearest section of loose gravel while barefoot. Snowboarders can skip this circuit.
Step #5: Climbing Skin Separation Circuit
Without training, the misery of pulling apart climbing skins, particularly newly-purchased ones, will exhaust an unprepared backcountry skier or rider. With your training partner aggravating you with insults, pull apart your skins on dry ground in successively faster reps. Repeat until a muscle in your forearm tears or you walk away cursing in frustration.
Step #6: "Skiing By Feel" Circuit
In order to hone your sense of touch, critical for navigating wide-open slopes in a whiteout without throwing up due to the effects of vertigo, the Skiing By Feel Circuit requires you to lay out all your skis, snowboards, or other sharply-edged home objects across your lawn.
Put your blindfold on and, barefoot, attempt to navigate the field of obstacles using only your sense of touch. Repeat until you've cleared the course without touching an obstacle; immediately stop the circuit if you've impaled yourself on the spikes of your snowshoe, and seek professional medical attention.
Step #7: Ligament Impact Training Circuit
While road biking and Crossfit are great for fitness, they do little to prepare the body for the uncontrolled falls down steep terrain, and from severe heights, that are inherent in a season on the slopes. Grab a ladder of at least eight feet, have your partner secure the ladder from the side, and leap out to hard flat ground. Advanced athletes are advised to line the ladder steps with Vaseline in order to improve the odds of slipping during the jump and inducing more realistic fall conditions.
Repeat the circuit several times, climbing to progressively higher steps on the ladder, until a ligament is torn. Ice and rest for four to six weeks, then repeat.
Step #8: Testicular Resistance Training Circuit
Balls are a big part of any season on the slopes. Train yours with this custom-made circuit for wannabe pros, although those without the motivation for sponsorship, or simply the faint of heart, will want to skip this aggressive routine. Have a partner bring a barbell, kettle bell, or large rock to the top of the ladder used in the Ligament Impact Training Circuit. Have your partner, with good aim, drop the weight over your crotch.
If a solid impact has been made, there is no need for a second cycle through the circuit, although wannabe pros will want to focus most of their available training time on this exercise.
Step #9: Backcountry Bushwhacking Circuit
The backcountry is an increasingly tempting venue for skiing or snowboarding, thanks to its plentitude of fresh powder, sweet lines, and lack of kooks. But finding the gnar and the fresh, and returning home safely, inevitably requires impromptu route-finding and cutting paths through impassible bushes and forest that grab at your skis, board, and poles, or boot-packing through chest-deep snow up vertical slopes, producing boughts of sweating and crying. To train for these situations, strap several pairs of skis or snowboards to your backcountry pack, carry a barbell in one hand to simulate asymmetrical stresses on the body, and walk through the woods aimlessly until lost.
Using Tinder, navigate to the nearest female (or male). Repeat the circuit until you've navigated to the home of a Tinder subject your roommate hasn't already hooked up with.
*Teton Gravity Research assumes no responsibility for injuries suffered by fitness enthusiasts who partake in TGR's Officially Asinine Unofficial 9-Step Pre-Season Training Program, nor do they assume liability for damages done to vehicles, school property, or schoolchildren in the Super Gripped Circuit. TGR assumes no liability for injuries suffered during the Testicular Resistance Training Circuit, nor for moments of awkward sexual tension suffered during the Backcountry Buchwhacking Circuit.
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