Sign In:

×

Last Step!

Please enter your public display name and a secure password.

Plan to post in the forums? Change your default forum handle here!

×
×

TGR’s Officially Asinine Unofficial 9-Step Pre-Season Training Program

Get ready for winter with TGR's Registered Fitness Enthusiasts, Jonathan Desabris and Ryan Dunfee. All photos by Jenna Mahaffie.

Here on tetongravity.com, we've showcased plenty of the pre-season training routines of some of today's top athletes, like Angel Collinson and Nick Martini. But none of them properly prepare the average skier or snowboarder for the real demands of a winter on the slopes and in the backcountry. The harsh realities of high altitude, painful boots, whiteout conditions, bushwhacking, and eating shit are rarely addressed in traditional workout regimes.

Never ones to leave our audience hanging, we here at Teton Gravity Research have spent months developing a training regime–specifically designed to address these situations–with some of today's least reputable and most clueless fitness amateurs. Our combined toiling has produced TGR's Officially Asinine Unofficial 9-Step Pre-Season Training Program, a fitness program unrivaled in its extreme-ness and unique approach to training the body and mind for the true demands of snowsports. Enjoy this new routine, divulged in its entirety, for FREE, right here on Tetongravity.com, the industry leader in cutting-edge fitness.

Step #1: Hydrate and Stretch Lightly

There's no going cold into TGR's pre-season fitness program. Hydrate aggressively with cheap hops (beer) and stretch lightly for a maximum of 20 seconds. You should not expect to touch your toes. If you're flexible enough to do so, we don't like you.

Step #2: The "Super Gripped" Circuit

The hot trend for the 2014/2015 season is to be "super gripped" on the hill, i.e. totally terrified at the top of every line you ride. In order to train for this state of mind, which you'll need to be in for the remainder of the training program, blindfold yourself and drive, at speed, through the nearest school zone. Repeat several reps until you've had a mild heart aneurysm due to the stress.

Step #3: Altitude Training Circuit

While you may have spent your summer in the valley or at sea level, the biggest moments of your winter will happen high at altitude. Whether it's a big line or a long ridgeline hike, your body's going to need to be prepped for the lack of oxygen. To train for this, breath in and out of a plastic bag with full, athletic breaths.

Continue with the circuit until you pass out, at which point, switch off with your training partner.

Step #4: Ski Boot Discomfort Circuit

In order to train for the unrivaled discomfort of ski boots–with their pressure points, squashed arches, sixth toe pain, and bunions–speed-walk laps on the nearest section of loose gravel while barefoot. Snowboarders can skip this circuit.

Step #5: Climbing Skin Separation Circuit

Without training, the misery of pulling apart climbing skins, particularly newly-purchased ones, will exhaust an unprepared backcountry skier or rider. With your training partner aggravating you with insults, pull apart your skins on dry ground in successively faster reps. Repeat until a muscle in your forearm tears or you walk away cursing in frustration.

Step #6: "Skiing By Feel" Circuit

In order to hone your sense of touch, critical for navigating wide-open slopes in a whiteout without throwing up due to the effects of vertigo, the Skiing By Feel Circuit requires you to lay out all your skis, snowboards, or other sharply-edged home objects across your lawn. 

Put your blindfold on and, barefoot, attempt to navigate the field of obstacles using only your sense of touch. Repeat until you've cleared the course without touching an obstacle; immediately stop the circuit if you've impaled yourself on the spikes of your snowshoe, and seek professional medical attention.

Step #7: Ligament Impact Training Circuit

While road biking and Crossfit are great for fitness, they do little to prepare the body for the uncontrolled falls down steep terrain, and from severe heights, that are inherent in a season on the slopes. Grab a ladder of at least eight feet, have your partner secure the ladder from the side, and leap out to hard flat ground. Advanced athletes are advised to line the ladder steps with Vaseline in order to improve the odds of slipping during the jump and inducing more realistic fall conditions.

Repeat the circuit several times, climbing to progressively higher steps on the ladder, until a ligament is torn. Ice and rest for four to six weeks, then repeat.

Step #8: Testicular Resistance Training Circuit 

Balls are a big part of any season on the slopes. Train yours with this custom-made circuit for wannabe pros, although those without the motivation for sponsorship, or simply the faint of heart, will want to skip this aggressive routine. Have a partner bring a barbell, kettle bell, or large rock to the top of the ladder used in the Ligament Impact Training Circuit. Have your partner, with good aim, drop the weight over your crotch.

If a solid impact has been made, there is no need for a second cycle through the circuit, although wannabe pros will want to focus most of their available training time on this exercise.

Step #9: Backcountry Bushwhacking Circuit

The backcountry is an increasingly tempting venue for skiing or snowboarding, thanks to its plentitude of fresh powder, sweet lines, and lack of kooks. But finding the gnar and the fresh, and returning home safely, inevitably requires impromptu route-finding and cutting paths through impassible bushes and forest that grab at your skis, board, and poles, or boot-packing through chest-deep snow up vertical slopes, producing boughts of sweating and crying. To train for these situations, strap several pairs of skis or snowboards to your backcountry pack, carry a barbell in one hand to simulate asymmetrical stresses on the body, and walk through the woods aimlessly until lost.

Using Tinder, navigate to the nearest female (or male). Repeat the circuit until you've navigated to the home of a Tinder subject your roommate hasn't already hooked up with.


*Teton Gravity Research assumes no responsibility for injuries suffered by fitness enthusiasts who partake in TGR's Officially Asinine Unofficial 9-Step Pre-Season Training Program, nor do they assume liability for damages done to vehicles, school property, or schoolchildren in the Super Gripped Circuit. TGR assumes no liability for injuries suffered during the Testicular Resistance Training Circuit, nor for moments of awkward sexual tension suffered during the Backcountry Buchwhacking Circuit. 

can’t wait to start training!

This is the kind of training regimen I can handle!  I’m curious if there’s an alternative to #8 for your female fans, or if we are so inherently ballsy that we get to skip that exercise altogether.  See you on the slopes!

Awesome! You guys should see if Mtn. Athlete is interested in some of these!

Lol brilliant

What an inspiration!
Well done.
Typical TGR quality.
I am going to consult my calendar and the long-range weather forecast to plan my training.

Play
READ THE STORY
Arc’teryx Issues Recall on First-Gen Procline Boots
Up Next Ski

Arc’teryx Issues Recall on First-Gen Procline Boots

Arc’teryx Issues Recall on First-Gen Procline Boots

Arc'teryx photo This morning, Arc'teryx announced a voluntary recall on all its first-generation Procline ski boots. A defect was discovered in some boots where the rear axis pin failed, which could potentially lead to a fall hazard. The backcountry ski boots, introduced two years ago, feature an innovative walk mode mechanism that allows for lateral flex in the ankle area in addition to standard rearward flex, aiding in climbing and skinning on steep slopes. The recall affects all boots

Play
READ THE STORY
Ski Mountaineering on Temple Crag
Up Next Ski

Ski Mountaineering on Temple Crag

Ski Mountaineering on Temple Crag

      This past spring I road tripped out to California to take advantage of their fat snowpack after an above average season for the Eastern Sierras. I started out hitting Mammoth Park and lapping top to bottom runs on the Mammoth Gondola. A few days later Colter showed up with plans to camp and do some Ski-mountaineering in the Palisades near big pine. Camp life.  I was loving laid back condo life with the Saga crew but was eager to go camp in the Buttermilks. Everything came together for

Play
READ THE STORY
5 Crested Butte Airbnb’s For That Last Minute MTB Vacation
Up Next Culture

5 Crested Butte Airbnb’s For That Last Minute MTB Vacation

5 Crested Butte Airbnb’s For That Last Minute MTB Vacation

Crested Butte, often referred to as the last great mountain town, is famous for its world-class outdoor activities in both winter and summer. It’s also famous for its attitude. The locals have been there forever, they are the soul of the town, and they aren’t leaving anytime soon if they can help it. This attitude is a huge part of what makes Crested Butte such an attractive destination for skiers, bikers, and all kinds of outdoorsy people who are searching for the type of character that is