The Trump International #1 Ski Resort will make Vail look like "a penny slot casino in Reno." Ryan Dee graphic.
Donald Trump, Incorporated, Donald Trump Properties, Donald Trump Questionable Mortgage Solutions, and Donald Trump Construction Solutions are proud to present the announcement of one of the finest Trump properties to date: The Trump International #1 Ski Resort. Built on sensitive wildlife habitat with no regard to environmental regulations, the Trump International #1 Ski Resort will deliver a snow-based experience for the privileged wealthy unlike any other currently available. When reached for comment about his latest resort, Donald took the opportunity to insult his competition. "Trump International #1 Ski Resort will make Vail Resorts look a penny slot casino in Reno," he said. "I mean, have you been into one of these places? Have you been to Vail? Awful carpet; it's never vacuumed. Cheap finishings on the walls, the valets are ugly, and who even believe they're in Austria, anyways. Plus, Robert Katz is a terrible golfer. I'm sure he's of below-average height, too. Maybe even has small hands."
After arriving on a private air strip paved over bald eagle habitat – "a very weak bird," the Don was quoted as saying – Trump Resort visitors will whisked over to a never-before seen virtual reality experience on the Resort's signature lift, the Echo Chamber Gondola. The single-person gondola features heated bubbles with built-in virtual reality monitors that display a 3D image of a raucous crowd who gives you an increasing amount of applause for hurling insults at anyone you mildly disrespect and who beats up anyone in the crowd you point at. Power!
It also has a variety of creative prompts that invite you to explore your inner instigator by filling out phrases like "In the good old days, ..." and "Don't worry, I'll pay your legal fees if you..." No other chairlift in the world will make you feel as self-important when you arrive at the summit – we guarantee it!
The Echo Chamber will be a single-person gondola that will encourage insular political rhetoric. Ryan Dee graphic.
The Echo Chamber gondola will access all of Trump International Ski Resort's expertly groomed green circle terrain, including classics such as Eminent Domain, Bimbo, Combover Couloir, and our three frontside classics: China, China, and China!
Bringing the family? Not to worry! Your children can get their first taste of insular privilege and outside edge turns at the Little Rubio Beginner Zone, staffed by former aides from the failed political campaign. Children are welcome to disrespect them at will!
Losers who fall and get hurt will be sent to the Trump "You're Fired!!" Medical Clinic. Winners will get free casino chips. Ryan Dee graphic.
Of course, weakness on the slopes at Trump International #1 Ski Resort will not be tolerated, and injured guests will be treated with disgust and will find themselves frequently insulted while being treated at the Trump "You're Fired!" Medical Clinic, and will not be allowed to return to the slopes. Superstar guests that disrespect women on the hill, however, will be rewarded with free chips to the many casinos at the base of the resort.
Trump International Ski Resort’s beautifully groomed terrain and luxury hotels will be steadfastly protected by The Wall, a concrete barrier of as-yet uncertain height – it'll be very high, maybe a few feet less, we haven't negotiated that yet – paid for by the Mexican government. The Wall will keep out the polite, hardworking Mexican immigrants who do the jobs at Trump International Ski Resort no ski bum is willing to do until the shift change.
Trump International Ski Resort guests will be invited to hurl snowballs down at these immigrants who are willing to do jobs they aren't while accusing them of whatever particular crime comes to mind at the moment, regardless of basis in fact.*
The Sharper Image Trumps Steak Steakhouse will feature all sorts of luxuriant and outrageous useless Sharper Image products. Ryan Dee graphic.
Trump Resort will also feature a Sharper Image Steakhouse that will serve Trump Steaks (technically steakburgers) leftover from when the business icon’s meat business went belly up. Diners will be treated to watching the temperature of their
past due steaks heat up to their ideal temperature via a wireless barbeque thermometer, treat themselves to their steak with Star Wars-themed tongs, and enjoy desert served tableside from a motion-activated candy dispenser or from an electric s’mores maker. Diners can also enjoy Trump Winery Chardonnay whose temperature will be perfectly monitored by a wireless wine thermometer from The Sharper Image.**
Corporate groups will also be facilitated for their next inspirational retreat at Trump International #1 Ski Resort at the Trump University Conference Center at Trump International #1 Ski Resort, where attendees will be treated to relabeled Trump Water after paying ample fees to attend a bogus Trump University seminar, where they’ll learn basic real estate advice they could easily learn for free on Zillow.***
Construction on Trump International #1 Ski Resort is expected to be completed by April 1st, 2017, but in the meantime, disgruntled white males who blame global macroeconomic trends such as globalization and automation on individual politicians and actually imagine Barack Obama to be a muslim have free will to do doughnuts in their pickups around the sensitive wildlife habitat that's the site of the future Trump International #1 Ski Resort, and are encouraged to throw full beers at whatever hippies or environmental protection officials attempt to stand in their way.
*Height of The Wall may vary by a few feet, depending on negotiations with Mexico.
**There is only a 30% probability the wine will be made out of grapes. Potentially it's hydrogenated soy beans.
***If a lawyer approaches you outside the Trump University Conference Center at Trump Resort at asks you to join their lawsuit against Trump University, please do not join them. We will give you a free radio toaster from The Sharper Image instead.
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