Road trips are easy. Ice up the cooler, kick-test the tires, and go. At least that’s the case before your trust fund turned into squeaky long boards and a mountain of empty bottles courtesy of Rolling Rock. Now you’re a degenerate 24-year-old divorcee and couch aficionado. It’s summer time and you’ve been 86’d from every watering hole in town except the Citgo. It’s time to repay your friends with a good old-fashioned game of “Not My Town.” You just have to know how to do it on your savings plan of bottle caps and broken promises. Luckily, the early-nineties’ family television show Pete and Pete is here to help:
:55-1:08 | These rules apply to everyone, not just dads.
1:35-2:30 | This song by the band Polaris is way too creepy to be in a kids show, and is cause for conspiracy theories.
2:52-3:03 | TUNES. More important than anything is music on a road trip. You don’t want to rely on talking after 14 hours. If none of your good friends have music, abandon one of them for someone who does. Also, try downloading podcasts of NPR’s Cartalk because this might be the only time in your life you can find sticky window buttons fascintating.
3:18 | Road kill. Be brave, drive fast, get points. On your driver’s license you maniac. If you speed you’re also more likely to hit wildlife and that isn’t cool.
3:32-3:35 | Farting. Don’t do it. You’re a grown up. If you need to, have the window down in advance and take a few team punches to maintain your allegiance within the group.
4:02 | Having personally crossed over the Hoover Dam myself a few dozen times, I can safely say you should go. It’s as fascinating as concrete gets. 10 bucks to whoever drops in first.
4:30-4:36 | Hand surfing is legit. You’re an adult and are responsible for your own limbs.
1:20-1:25 | Falling in Love. It’s bound to happen on the road. It’s how nature intended; meet, let the sparks fly, never speak again.
2:25-2:38 | The road opens up deep conversation. If you ever find yourself over your head in such a conversation, do just like Pete did. Be affirmative!
5:00-5:05 | Map reading. I don’t care if you have gMaps. Learn how to read a real one when you’re out of service.
6:00 | Going to the bathroom. Make sure there is something to stand behind, or you’re on a relatively deserted road if there isn’t a bathroom nearby. Indecent Exposure isn’t a fun charge to pick up.
7:00-7:05 | Emergency flare guns. Have at least 6. They work on grizzly bears and aggressive window washers too.
1:42 | Passing. We can’t legally comment on how fast you should be driving.
2:39–4:00 | Hopelessly lost. It happens. The lesson here is just to totally give up, and then your problems will solve themselves.
5:22 | Take the wheel. It’s essential that any copilot has this skill. Before going on a road trip you might want to practice somewhere besides a busy freeway. It’s also probably illegal. So there’s that too.
7:00-7:25 | The lesson learned. You don’t go on road trips to go places. You go because being stuffed in a car sucks and your sissy 21st-century flabby ass can’t walk more than 50 feet without an energy drink. The lesson is always this: “Most of this is going to be way less rad than we expected, but the rest was so much better than hanging out on the TGR forums for a week straight, and our Intsagram accounts are so much better for it.”
From The Column: The Dirtbag’s Guide to Getting Shit Done
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