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YouTube Announces New Algorithm to Filter “Lame Footy”

YouTube executives say the new algorithm will help improve employee morale as community managers will no longer be forced to suffer through watching pointless 20-minute edits. Flickr photo.

Silicon Valley, CA: Top executives from the popular video sharing website YouTube recently announced that they are rolling out a new algorithm to help the overburdened company deal with an influx of lame ski footage. Citing a shortage on their global servers and a “plague of shitty footy,” YouTube has allocated several of its top developers to immediately begin work on this new algorithm.

Although it is still under development, the new algorithm will automatically detect lame footage based on several factors, such as how flat the light is, how tame the terrain is, as well as the speed and airtime (or lack thereof) of the featured rider. Once the algorithm has deemed the footage in question as “lame,” the user will have the option to pay a $25 fee before the video can be posted to YouTube. Company spokeswoman Sally Jabroni tells TGR the money collected from the surcharge will go towards treating employees who have suffered emotional and mental distress from viewing uninspiring GoPro footage.

“I thought I was going to be checking out cat videos all day, but this winter I have been stuck in this office watching gapers hack their way down foggy groomers,” an anonymous YouTube employee in the company’s video screening department told TGR. “I can’t take it anymore. I’m starting to hear voices in my head.”

This photo was taken of YouTube's lead developer just minutes before he was found unconscious on the floor. Pexels photo.

While the algorithm has shown promise, Jabroni told TGR the project hit a snag last week when one of the lead developers suffered a brain aneurysm after stumbling upon a 30-minute POV edit of some Manhattan advertising executive skiing Killington's 10-mile Juggernaut trail top-to-bottom.

“We came back from lunch to find our head developer shaking on the ground as some shaky video of this Jerry inching his way down The Jug played on his computer,” Jabroni told TGR. “So that definitely hurt our efforts.”

While critics argue that this new algorithm is a form of censorship, those within the company see it as a necessary step to protect their brand.

“We pride ourselves on being a platform for artistic freedom, but quite frankly, a lot of this footage just sucks,” said Jabroni referring to the onslaught of subpar videos uploaded after the Christmas Break. “By filtering out low-angle bump runs at Vail, or the slow speed dance of octogenarians schussing the corduroy at Sun Valley, YouTube hopes to improve employee morale and mental health, as well as the overall user experience for its customers.”

*This is a work of satire, obviously.

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