The Tetons loom large from prime porta-potty real-estate. Flickr Creative Commons photo.
MTN. TOWN, USA — After more than a year of work and a $20,000 investment, dirtbag #Vanlifer Coy Hewitt, 24, came to the sudden realization Thursday night that living in a van "sucks ass."
The epiphany came during a 3:37 am emergency porta-potty trip in which Hewitt was forced to press his bare ass to several questionable surfaces — all in subzero temps and with only rocks and snow to use for clean up.
"Instagram said #Vanlife would be awesome," Hewitt told TGR. "But it lied. I expected to be doing rad shit all the time, but instead I've been jockeying for campsites, running from cops and bribing friends with beer and weed to let me shower."
Like many, Hewitt's lust for #Vanlife grew during his undergrad work at the University of Vermont in Burlington, where he earned a prestigious (expensive) degree in condescending humor that he's put to full use as a line cook at Jackson Hole's Pinky Gs Pizzeria.
Instagram said #Vanlife would be awesome, but it lied.
"I had no idea 'living the dream' meant eating cold couscous, improvising toiletries and going for weeks without bathing," Hewitt continued. "But look on the brightside, I've only been ticketed three-or-four times for public indecency — and I was able to use the citations as bedding insulation afterward!"
As of press time, Hewitt had listed the retrofitted van on several ski town classifieds, asking the reasonable sum of $1,700 (or however much next year's pass costs). He has yet to find any buyers.
From The Column: The Bumion
MOUNTAIN TOWN, USA — Saying she’s ready to “seriously f**k with some customers this summer,” pro river guide Kailyn Wright, 28, earned her Advanced Level 9 Bullshitting Certification on Friday. The issuing authority, the Guild of Deceptive Guides (GADG), said Wright is one of a very small number to attain the elite distinction, which confers advanced techniques for messing with customers who are largely ignorant to anything that doesn’t take place on their phone, in their living room or
CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — A groundbreaking academic study commissioned by Harvard University’s Department of Anthropology sent shockwaves through the action sports world Friday when preliminary findings confirmed what many have long suspected: Skiers and snowboarders share common ancestry — and have been interbreeding for over 45 years. Co-funded by Harvard University and the Ski & Snowboard Reconciliation Foundation, the study traced the genetic divergence back to a particularly raucous 1977 wet
Zac Efron's dream of becoming a pro-skier is temporarily on hold. While we don't actually have any evidence that he has (had?) aspirations of becoming a pro, who wouldn't want to ski for a living? Either way, the Wildcats' team captain is sadly laid up following an ACL tear. While in Park City for the Sundance Film Festival, Efron went on a guided-catskiing tour which ended in injury. Don't worry Zac, the TGR crew feels your pain and would like you to know that we're all in this together.