The Tetons loom large from prime porta-potty real-estate. Flickr Creative Commons photo.
MTN. TOWN, USA — After more than a year of work and a $20,000 investment, dirtbag #Vanlifer Coy Hewitt, 24, came to the sudden realization Thursday night that living in a van "sucks ass."
The epiphany came during a 3:37 am emergency porta-potty trip in which Hewitt was forced to press his bare ass to several questionable surfaces — all in subzero temps and with only rocks and snow to use for clean up.
"Instagram said #Vanlife would be awesome," Hewitt told TGR. "But it lied. I expected to be doing rad shit all the time, but instead I've been jockeying for campsites, running from cops and bribing friends with beer and weed to let me shower."
Like many, Hewitt's lust for #Vanlife grew during his undergrad work at the University of Vermont in Burlington, where he earned a prestigious (expensive) degree in condescending humor that he's put to full use as a line cook at Jackson Hole's Pinky Gs Pizzeria.
Instagram said #Vanlife would be awesome, but it lied.
"I had no idea 'living the dream' meant eating cold couscous, improvising toiletries and going for weeks without bathing," Hewitt continued. "But look on the brightside, I've only been ticketed three-or-four times for public indecency — and I was able to use the citations as bedding insulation afterward!"
As of press time, Hewitt had listed the retrofitted van on several ski town classifieds, asking the reasonable sum of $1,700 (or however much next year's pass costs). He has yet to find any buyers.
From The Column: The Bumion
MOUNTAIN TOWN, USA — A snowboarder’s morale was crushed Friday morning after discovering that his local hill’s powder snow report was completely out of touch with actual snow conditions on the ground. Promising 14 inches of “blower” off-piste and “packed powder” everywhere else, the Marmot Mountain snow report eventually convinced 31-year-old rider Sam Rooney to get out of bed and rally for early turns, despite seeing sheets of rain falling outside his low-elevation residence. RELATED:
As one might imagine, there is a lot to love in little ski bum towns. (Why else would they exist?) But what’s often forgotten when overly romanticizing the simple joys of ski bumming are the pitfalls of such a minuscule town. You will overpay for groceries, your couch will be a boarding house for freeloading friends, and on a night out your ex walk into the same bar. The small town disadvantages only intensify, and they go a little something like this: Ski town or not, people run into exes
There are a myriad of ways to get what you want, and in a ski town one’s coffers can include much more than the traditional dollar. Knowing what you’ve got, and identifying what others are bringing to the table, can go a long way toward “making it”. Below are a couple of categories in which one could be rich:1. Social Currency Are you the hot (literally) new thing? Or maybe the most fun, drunk guy at the bar? These things can get one far, but certainly not all the way, and unfortunately