The Tetons loom large from prime porta-potty real-estate. Flickr Creative Commons photo.
MTN. TOWN, USA — After more than a year of work and a $20,000 investment, dirtbag #Vanlifer Coy Hewitt, 24, came to the sudden realization Thursday night that living in a van "sucks ass."
The epiphany came during a 3:37 am emergency porta-potty trip in which Hewitt was forced to press his bare ass to several questionable surfaces — all in subzero temps and with only rocks and snow to use for clean up.
"Instagram said #Vanlife would be awesome," Hewitt told TGR. "But it lied. I expected to be doing rad shit all the time, but instead I've been jockeying for campsites, running from cops and bribing friends with beer and weed to let me shower."
Like many, Hewitt's lust for #Vanlife grew during his undergrad work at the University of Vermont in Burlington, where he earned a prestigious (expensive) degree in condescending humor that he's put to full use as a line cook at Jackson Hole's Pinky Gs Pizzeria.
Instagram said #Vanlife would be awesome, but it lied.
"I had no idea 'living the dream' meant eating cold couscous, improvising toiletries and going for weeks without bathing," Hewitt continued. "But look on the brightside, I've only been ticketed three-or-four times for public indecency — and I was able to use the citations as bedding insulation afterward!"
As of press time, Hewitt had listed the retrofitted van on several ski town classifieds, asking the reasonable sum of $1,700 (or however much next year's pass costs). He has yet to find any buyers.
From The Column: The Bumion
Source: besthealthcaredegress.com RELATED: The Ultimate Animal Video Encounters To understand how these numbers compare to more "natural" causes, see this US data from the Center For Disease Control. For parents wanting a more focused guide to youth activities, take a look at this data on sports injuries compiled by Stanford Children's Hospital. More data on 20th century death statistics from the World Health Organization visualized by informationisbeautiful.net
Ever take a look through the classifieds, and think “who would buy this sh**?” Well, here's another one of those items, except we secretly think it’s actually pretty cool. For a cool $6000 CAD (today that’s merely $4550 USD), you can get yourself your very own stretch limo snowcat. According to the Vancouver Craigslist post, it’s a custom-fabbed SV 250 Bombardier snow cat combined with 1989 Cadillac stretch limo. Talk about showing up at the hill in style.
MTN. TOWN, USA — Several plucky, warm-and-fuzzy mascots were unceremoniously fired Monday morning after failing a newly mandated drug test introduced by their home ski area. Epic Resorts announced the terminations in a press release shortly after they were made, saying that the mascots' test results "were extreme." RELATED: Skiers Still Waiting In Summit County Lift Line "Although Chippy the Chipmunk, Epic the Eagle, Barkley the Bear and Marley the Moose were a part of the Epic Resorts