Sign In:


Last Step!

Please enter your public display name and a secure password.

Plan to post in the forums? Change your default forum handle here!

Check Out Our Shop

#Vanlifer Starting to Realize Living in Van “Actually Kinda Sucks”

The Tetons loom large from prime porta-potty real-estate. Flickr Creative Commons photo.

MTN. TOWN, USA — After more than a year of work and a $20,000 investment, dirtbag #Vanlifer Coy Hewitt, 24, came to the sudden realization Thursday night that living in a van "sucks ass."    

The epiphany came during a 3:37 am emergency porta-potty trip in which Hewitt was forced to press his bare ass to several questionable surfaces — all in subzero temps and with only rocks and snow to use for clean up.

RELATED: Mom Puzzled By Yale-Grad Daughter's #Vanlife

"Instagram said #Vanlife would be awesome," Hewitt told TGR. "But it lied. I expected to be doing rad shit all the time, but instead I've been jockeying for campsites, running from cops and bribing friends with beer and weed to let me shower." 

Like many, Hewitt's lust for #Vanlife grew during his undergrad work at the University of Vermont in Burlington, where he earned a prestigious (expensive) degree in condescending humor that he's put to full use as a line cook at Jackson Hole's Pinky Gs Pizzeria.      

Instagram said #Vanlife would be awesome, but it lied.

"I had no idea 'living the dream' meant eating cold couscous, improvising toiletries and going for weeks without bathing," Hewitt continued. "But look on the brightside, I've only been ticketed three-or-four times for public indecency — and I was able to use the citations as bedding insulation afterward!" 

As of press time, Hewitt had listed the retrofitted van on several ski town classifieds, asking the reasonable sum of $1,700 (or however much next year's pass costs). He has yet to find any buyers.

From The Column: The Bumion

About The Author

stash member Sam Morse

TGR Editor-at-Large. author of The Ski Town Fairytale and creative behind The Bumion. Lover of steep-and-deep lines, long trails—and hot springs waiting in the distance.