​Tom Brady Wins Yellowstone Club Chinese Downhill, Trouncing Celebrity Field

The newly-crowned Yellowstone Club Chinese Downhill champion: Tom Brady. Tom Brady photo.

Over the weekend, Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, on break following the tough AFC Championship loss to the Denver Broncos, reportedly smoked a celebrity-stacked field of Yellowstone Club members in the private ski area’s annual Chinese Downhill competition. Brady edged ahead of Yellowstone Club regular and dedicated shredder Justin Timberlake on the last pitch of hand-sculpted moguls to take the win – and a bottle of 1907 Gran Americain champagne – by just one second. 

The victory stood despite a formal complaint from Google CEO Eric Schmidt, who complained that Club ski techs had put the wrong wax on his Volkls, thus invalidating the race results. Ultimately, a Yellowstone Club HOA board led by Phil Mickelson decided to let the results, and Brady’s win, stand.

Despite Schmidt’s noted competitiveness and prior complaints, him and Brady remained sportsmanlike following the race and paired up for the evening’s Gelande Quaff competition, where they were thoroughly beaten by Warren Miller, who caught beers on his bald head while reminding the crowd that “I used to do this in the ‘40s to win food stamps so I wouldn’t starve to death in Sun Valley!!”

Brady had reportedly been training intensely for the event following the Patriots’ January 24th loss to the Broncos, making near-daily jaunts from his Chestnut Hill mansion to New Hampshire’s Cannon Mountain to train with New England’s other beloved athletic son, Bode Miller.

Following weeks of intense training, Miller goaded Brady into entering Cannon’s beer league race series under the cover name Brayton Panning, thinking it hilarious. Brady remained unassuming by skiing in a Patriots Starter jacket and jeans, and slowly climbed the ranks until he was beating most of the ski techs from nearby Franconia.

After celebrating his win by checking off a few bucket list double black diamonds, Brady heeded the advice of his many fans, who implored him to leave the slopes and remain uninjured for next year’s pre-season training camp. But while Brady will spend the rest of the winter in Barbados, he apparently plans to return to Yellowstone Club in April for Gaper Day, where he will be dressed as Roger Goodell. 

Sources at Amazon have told us Brady has ordered a pair of Pit Vipers and a fanny pack with a built-in boombox and holsters for two tall boys for the event. 

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stash member Ryan Dunfee

Former Managing Editor at Teton Gravity Research, current Senior Contributor, current professional hippy at the Sierra Club, and avid weekend recreationalist.