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Study: Lesbian Wingman Gets More Mountain Town Ass Than You

Kelly Gardiner (costume) holds down a Durango 5th and College party while entertaining several younger, curious women. Ashley Garcia photo.

DURANGO, Colo. — A peer-reviewed academic paper released Wednesday indicates that lesbians in mountain towns are statistically more likely to pull ass than their dirtbag male counterparts. The paper, published in sociological journal Mountain Town Mating Digest, was researched as a joint study between CSU Fort Collins, and Fort Lewis College, in Durango, Colo.

To conduct their research, university teams accompanied groups of young ski town 20-somethings to keggers, bars, festivals and outdoor outings to discover the statistical likelihood of separate demographics getting laid at said social events. Through rigorous engagement and countless drunken evenings, the study came to a startling conclusion: Young women with a sexual predisposition towards other females get laid nearly 500% more than their male equivalents in mountain towns, who often shower less, are likely immature, and more often see the ability to boast about an epic powder day as a stand-in for substantive conversation with a member of the opposite sex.

RELATED: Tired Ski Bum Fails To Sexually Satisfy Girlfriend

Study co-author and CSU sociology professor Silvia Martin said that she was not surprised at the results skewing toward girl-on-girl encounters. "Part of it is definitely geography," Martin told TGR in a written statement. "There are so many more bros in these ski towns — they begin to lose their sexual capital. It turns out the old saying 'the odds are good, but the goods are odd' actually does bear some truth."    

One female Durango test subject, semi-retired raft guide and traveling bard Kelly Gardiner, stunned researchers with her innate ability to charm the pants off of other females — even those with no prior homoerotic inclinations.

“You gotta love these ski town girls — I keep getting older, and they stay the same age,” Gardiner joked with TGR in an interview. “But seriously, ski towns create an atmosphere where people are more free to be who they are. Nobody gives a flying fuck in Durango! That’s the essence of mountain towns — lack of judgement. 

I don’t give a fuck if it’s hetero sex or homo sex — I just care if it's good sex!

“I mean, not all the time, but generally in my experience there’s more communication between females about the ins-and-outs of sex, and what is good for your partner, as opposed to just doin' it." Gardiner continued. "I don’t give a fuck if it’s hetero sex or homo sex — I just care if it's good sex!”

While Gardiners’ superlative success among study participants was an outlier, her cited points were backed up by empirical evidence. Unsurprisingly, researchers found that alcohol plays a significant role, but other factors include unsatisfying experiences with immature guys, a more comprehensive understanding of the female genitalia, endemic lack of ski bro hygiene, and a general tendency to flaunt their suitability for a long-term relationship by demonstrating their unyielding loyalty to their kayak, mountain bike, or snowboard.

One of Gardiner's best friends, fellow ex-raft guide Samuel “T-Bird” Adams, advised sexually frustrated ski bums that going out on the town with a charming lesbian wingman is way better than rolling with a pack of bros.

“Kelly is the best wingman ever!” Adams enthused. “When you walk into a bar with a big group of dudes, women automatically expect that you’re out to get laid, and they put up their guard. But when I’m out with Kelly — even though we’re both still trying to get laid — women tend to be more disarmed and friendly." 

"Mountain town seduction isn’t a zero-sum game," Adams said. "What's good for Kelly is also good for me, and vice-versa. We can both win ... even if she happens to cross the finish line a lot more often than I do.”

From The Column: The Bumion

About The Author

stash member Sam Morse

TGR Editor-at-Large. author of The Ski Town Fairytale and creative behind The Bumion. Lover of steep-and-deep lines, long trails—and hot springs waiting in the distance.