tags:
Summit County, CO, United States |
the bumion |tgr satire |summit county |long lift line |lift line |bumion
The "Great line of Summit County" slowly winds to the ski area's base from over seven miles away. Flickr Creative Commons.
SUMMIT COUNTY, Colo. — Saying they’re stoked to finally get a run after waiting in line for nearly 3 1/2 weeks, Denver-based ski couple Bill and Mary Jenkins told TGR Thursday that they’re ready to move on after braving hypothermia, pneumonia and financial ruin for “sloppy, late-season turns.”
The now-infamous lift line began forming at J-Basin Ski Area in late April during a cold, 3-foot storm. But contrary to what resort officials were expecting, the line never dissipated, and at its peak, the line extended to over seven miles long and was estimated to contain roughly 185,000 skiers, 150,000 riders, and two very core snowbladers.
RELATED: Mad Pow Disease Ravages Western Ski Towns
“People just wouldn’t go home,” Mary Jenkins, 37, told TGR while waiting her 25th-consecutive day. “It got pretty sketchy! Once folks ran out of weed, beer and food—in that order—shit started hitting the fan.”
Line survivors and eye-witnesses concur with Jenkins’ observation, recounting that the high-consumer demand and lack of lift-line mobility led to steep inflation for everyday goods—like camping chairs—and some lesser known wares, such as tappable C02 growlers and sativa/indica hybrids.
Once folks ran out of weed, beer and food—in that order—shit started hitting the fan.
“The price of beer spiked a thousand percent,“ ski town economist and market watchdog Jack Humphries said during a Skype interview. “Some were lucky enough to have family members deliver rations and supplies, but many weren’t, so ruthless entrepreneurs moved in and quickly took advantage of the situation, and began hawking goods at brutal mark-up prices.”
Humphries also confirmed the highest selling item thus far has been “those psychologically damaging kid leashes.”
Although the line is still going strong, J-Basin officials expect the line to gradually go away at some point mid-summer, but for now, they're still encouraging skiers and riders to come enjoy the magic of the Rockies.
“Despite the less-than-optimal wait," the carefully worded marketing statement reads, "J-Basin has great skiing at the moment, and we invite you and your family to come up and enjoy our slopes while spending your family’s life savings.”
From The Column: The Bumion
Magic Carpet Replaces Tram, Locals Are Pissed
Retired Ski Patrol Dog Seeks New Meaning, Purpose
Goat Becomes Latest Victim in Trademark Lawsuit
Mega Pass Holder Can’t Wait to Ski Your…
Whistleblower Alleges Marketing Director Shoveled…
Why I Gave Up Everything (Except My Trust Fund) to…
‘Gravity Still Pulling Down’ TGR Study Finds
Adopt a Dirtbag® Campaign Unveiled by Epic Resorts
Kid On Leash Slowly Building Need For Lifelong…
Epic Resorts Adds Everest to 2020 Ski Pass
‘Flaming Land Shark’ Discovered in Grand…
How To Talk With Your Family About Peter Pan…
Mom Says ‘F**k It,’ Reveals Kids’ Dirtbaggery at…
Ex Ski Bum Questions Point Of Career, Adulthood
NPS says “F&#k It,” renames iconic park…
TGR Uncovers Ski School Admissions Scandal
Dog Wishes Mom Would Hurry the F*** Up and Drop In…
Hot Tub Poacher Brought Down After Interstate…
Bromance Deepens During Wild Angling Mission
River Rat Spotted Bathing In Ski Town Waterway
About The Author
stash member Sam Morse
TGR Editor-at-Large. author of The Ski Town Fairytale and creative behind The Bumion. Lover of steep-and-deep lines, long trails—and hot springs waiting in the distance.