The ski bum trying to begin her summer-long hibernation cycle, pup in tow. Creative Commons photo.
MOUNTAIN TOWN, USA — Ski town wildlife experts reached peak nerdgasm Thursday after witnessing the first documented hibernatory cycle of the genus Ski Bummicus, The researchers' findings are to be published in the internationally respected scientific journal, Dirtbag Biology, early next month.
Ski Bummicus — better known as the North American Ski Bum — is a snow-going and playful species that's known to migrate during the warmer months. Along the way, they often interbreed with other mountain-going species, such as River Rats, Biker Bills, Climber Carrys, Festy Frans, and the elusive, extremely stoned Weed Trimmer Wally.
But according to ski town biologist Henry Wanstacahm, 57, the practice of summertime ski bum hibernation has long been roumored, but never directly observed in the wild — until now.
"Today was the best day of my life," Wanstacahm whispered to TGR while peering through a scope at the ski bum's parking garage Subaru hibernation den. "Her preparation ritual was extraordinary. She chose her den carefully, then loaded a sleeping bag, pillow, and twenty 30-packs into her sleeping space.
"It was beautiful," he said as a tear dropped down his cheek.
But according to other contributors to the study, what was widely expected to be a blissful 6-month sleep cycle lasted approximately 6 hours and 37 minutes. Ski Bummicus expert Mary Potts, 43, insists the disruption can be blamed on the high-stress levels modern civilization imposes on the North American Ski Bum.
She chose her den carefully, then loaded a sleeping bag, pillow, and twenty 30-packs into her sleeping space.
"Ski Bummicus is known to take on the care of other animals, like dogs, and broke-ass boyfriends, and that's what we saw here," Potts told TGR. "But civilization has pushed the ski bum to the brink — instead of hibernating — and poaching surf in Baja — the modern ski bum has to work two or three jobs serving rich humans just to survive long enough to harvest pow during the winter months. We believe that this degradation of the ski bum's lifecycle and habitat will eventually lead to endangerment, and possible extinction. Sad!"
From The Column: The Bumion
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