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Ski Bum Forced to Spend Holidays with Extended Family, Misses Epic Storm

Jonze tells TGR that apparently, playing backgammon with Grandma does not compare to waist-deep blower pow. Photo: Courtesy of Alta Ski Area

* Nowhere, Middle America– A die-hard 100 day-a-year skier was forced to spend seven days and nights in Muscatine, Iowa for a family visit over the holidays, missing out on the biggest storm cycle to hit the mountains in over 10 years. 

Self-proclaimed ski bum Jasper Jonze tried his best to convince his family to gather over Thanksgiving, but was shot down in a unanimous family vote. Growing up as the only skier in his family, Jonze always considered it a badge of honor that he had figured the ski life out while his relatives bumbled around middle America. Now, his independent thinking was working against him and he was forced to submit to his family’s wishes. Distraught at the thought of missing a prime week of powder hunting, Jonze left the mountains for the mid-west just as the ski hill was taking shape.

As the week wore on and Instagram photos depicted the glorious conditions back home, Jonze started to lose it, with bouts of FOMO laced depression casting a pall over his usually stoked demeanor. Any attempt he made to discuss his worsening condition was met with zero sympathy from his non-skiing family.

Unfortunately, Jonze missed a ten-year storm for questionable casserole. Photo: Courtesy of Denis Messie/Flickr

Throughout the agonizing seven-day sentence, Jonze was forced to listen to his overachieving cousins talk about their latest business ventures while telling his old-fashioned uncles that skiing and life in the mountains is a worthwhile life pursuit. 

“I tried to explain the importance of the rare meteorological feat I was missing and how it creates an environment that allows me to speed on clouds, floating through a delicate bond of snowflakes while in a magical high-speed dance with nature,” Jonze told TGR. “They couldn’t understand that these are the deeply satisfying, soul building days that fulfill my life’s purpose.”

When reminded by his mother that he skis 100 days-a-year, and missing a week to be with family is no big deal, Jasper tried to explain that out of those 100 days, only a dozen of them are the deep, life affirming powder days that fuel who he is. 

Jonze told TGR it took everything in him to not have a full-blown mental breakdown while hearing about the snow in his adopted mountain home. Photo: Courtesy of Zach Dischner/Flickr

Breaking it down further for her deaf ears, he reasoned that if he only has a dozen or so days each year to truly satisfy his soul, then missing out on these seven days is an absolute crusher as the next powder day is never guaranteed.

With no other option than to settle in and embrace a week of Aunt Georgia’s mystery casserole, regular afternoon naps, and card games with Grandma, Jasper finally returned home only to find a completely bumped out mountain and massive ridge of high pressure settling in.

*This is a work of satire, obviously.

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