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Montana, United States |
the bumion |tgr satire |tgr news |stoke mountain resort |stoke |rfid implants |mark of the stoke
A young couple at Stoke Mountain Resort break in their new MARK OF THE STOKE© implants. Skidata/Wikipedia Creative Commons photo.
STOKE, Mont. — Legendary Orwellian ski area Stoke Mountain Resort made waves in the ski industry Thursday with the unveiling of its new “MARK OF THE STOKE©” branding initiative.
Scheduled to begin during the 2016/17 winter season, the branding campaign will include an employee loyalty blood oath, implanted RFID “STOKE©” passes, a reimagined lift-line system that separates guests by income bracket, as well as a gondola surveillance apparatus that's sensitive to alcohol and marijuana.
The resort says the initiative is meant to “enhance customer experiences, dominate competition and crush internal dissent!”
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The public response was one of nervous apprehension, with the ski area reporting hundreds of season pass cancellations. But in a written statement, Stoke Mountain Resort sought to dampen the discord, saying that the new initiative will improve guest's visits while providing employees a “reinforced framework for high company morale.”
In an interview with TGR, Stoke Mountain Resort CEO Richard Bullwinkle said that he doesn’t see what all the fuss is about.
“We’re proud of this initiative,” Bullwinkle reinforced. “Sure, it may hurt a little to get an RFID chip implanted in your flesh, but we think it will provide an excellent way for Stoke to know everything about our employees and guests — all the time. We want our visitors to have great recreational experiences at Stoke, and creating data algorithms that track — and anticipate — their every move will further allow us to provide that elite level of service.”
We’ve empowered our ‘fun patrol’ to tase anybody they consider a danger to others, high on the marijuana, or just not fitting our homogenous ideal of what a ski/riding experience should be.
Bullwinkle was also excited about the newly envisioned indoctrination tutorial for Stoke Mountain Resort employees. Dubbed the “Anti-broing Initiative,” the training will include multiple oaths signed in blood guaranteeing a commitment to "unconditional loyalty." Specifically, the new program will deliver electric shocks to employees via their “STOKE©” chip for straying away from “Stoke speak,” using terms like “dude” or “bro” instead of “ma’m” or “sir,” as well as referring to sub-par conditions as “icy” instead of “packed powder.”
Additionally, the infamously reviled pink-jacketed ‘fun patrollers’ will now carry — and be authorized to use — tasers to control Stoke’s less savory skiers and riders.
“On-mountain safety is Stoke’s #1 priority,” Bullwinkle said. “That’s why we’ve empowered our ‘fun patrol’ to take out anybody they consider a danger to others, high on the marijuana, or just not fitting our homogenous ideal of what a ski/riding experience should be.”
Bullwinkle also told TGR that skiers and riders caught ducking ropes at Stoke Mountain will receive 10 public lashings while tied to the nearest lift tower.
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About The Author
stash member Sam Morse
TGR Editor-at-Large. author of The Ski Town Fairytale and creative behind The Bumion. Lover of steep-and-deep lines, long trails—and hot springs waiting in the distance.