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Roommates Still Not Sure Who Guy On Couch Is

Guy on the Couch makes himself at home while indulging in leftover Chinese, beer, and NorCal stank. Pixabay Commons photo.

MOUNTAIN TOWN, USA — A group of ski town roommates were surprised and weirded out Friday when they discovered a strange, hairy man poaching their couch, smoking their herb and eating their food without permission.

The roommates discovered the stranger after returning home from a raft trip on the Colorado River, and according to one of the rent-paying tenants, the Guy on the Couch was “pretty chill, but smelled like BO mixed with dog shit.”

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When asked who the fuck he was and why he was taking domestic liberties with their weed, beer and food, 24-year-old Guy on the Couch explained simply that “Jerry said it was cool.”

However, as of press time, none of the confused and semi-frightened roommates could confirm any relation to the mysterious and potentially made-up “Jerry.”

“Who the fuck is Jerry?” pissed-off roommate Danny Ware, 23, demanded of TGR during an interview. “I’m sure Guy on the Couch is really nice, but he won’t stop hitting on my girlfriend, and it’s making us very uncomfortable."

In their absence he’d clogged the toilet and defiled their hot tub/master bedroom with another uninvited, nocturnal guest.

After recovering from the shock of finding a stranger in their home, the roommates decided to give Guy on the Couch a shot, only to discover that in their absence he’d clogged the toilet and defiled their hot tub/master bedroom with another uninvited, nocturnal guest.

“I met her at the bar down the street,” Guy on the Couch told TGR. “But I couldn’t tell her the truth that I’m homeless, unemployed and haven’t done laundry or taken a shower in four weeks, so I did what any dirtbag would do, and told her I owned the house and just rent out the extra rooms for cash, because, ya know, people need housing.”

From The Column: The Bumion

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