Sign In:

×

Last Step!

Please enter your public display name and a secure password.

Plan to post in the forums? Change your default forum handle here!

×
×

Raft Guide Gets Advanced Bullshitting Cert

Swashbuckling river pirate Kailyn Wright shows off her Advanced Bullshitting Certification. Sam Morse photo.

MOUNTAIN TOWN, USA — Saying she’s ready to “seriously f**k with some customers this summer,” pro river guide Kailyn Wright, 28, earned her Advanced Level 9 Bullshitting Certification on Friday.  

The issuing authority, the Guild of Deceptive Guides (GADG), said Wright is one of a very small number to attain the elite distinction, which confers advanced techniques for messing with customers who are largely ignorant to anything that doesn’t take place on their phone, in their living room or car.

RELATED: First-Time Rafter Shocked To Learn River Doesn't Go In Circle 

“Whoever invented the saying ‘there are no stupid questions,’ ” Wright told TGR, “they weren't a river guide. Sometimes people ask you a question, and the only way to not offend them is to BS your way out of giving them the straight answer. I’m doing this for the customers’ sake dammit!”


According to summer recreation watchdogs, the practice of lying to rafting customers has grown exponentially since the 1980s. All told, more than 89% of fledgling river guides tell blatant lies to customers in order to avoid exposing them as completely out of touch with reality in front of their family or social peer group. 



Nothing will happen if the raft goes off the tracks, because there are no tracks.

“It’s good for the industry,” said GADG President and ex-dirtbag Henry Cummings. “Sure, rafting involves brief moments of wet-and-wild fun, but 95% of most runs are boring as fuck! I mean, how many times can you say, 'No, we're not going in a circle! There is no elevation where deer turn into elk, and nothing will happen if the raft goes off the tracks, because there are no tracks — this is not an amusement park.”

In a strange turn of events, as of press time, Wright abandoned a crew of wealthy texans just above a class IV rapid after being asked the river's depth for the 57th-consecutive time in a 4-hour period. 

From The Column: The Bumion

Play
READ THE STORY
How To: Hack your Van Into The Ultimate Camper Van
Up Next Culture

How To: Hack your Van Into The Ultimate Camper Van

How To: Hack your Van Into The Ultimate Camper Van

My Sprinter was a dream to drive, but the living quarters were a problem. Things were always sliding around and it was hard to keep anything organized. I started building a list of features I wanted to put into my van. As the list grew, I realized that I needed to remove everything and start from scratch. I knew coming up with good design was key. I needed a well thought-out space that served multiple functions and had built-in incentives for keeping my stuff orderly. I spent a lot of time

Play
READ THE STORY
Ski Bum To Hibernate In Subaru For Summer
Up Next Culture

Ski Bum To Hibernate In Subaru For Summer

Ski Bum To Hibernate In Subaru For Summer

MOUNTAIN TOWN, USA — Ski town wildlife experts reached peak nerdgasm Thursday after witnessing the first documented hibernatory cycle of the genus SThe researchers' findings are to be published in the internationally respected scientific journal, Dirtbag Biology, early next month. better known as the North American Ski Bum — is a snow-going and playful species that's known to migrate during the warmer months. Along the way,  they often interbreed with other mountain-going species, such

Play
READ THE STORY
GT and Whistler Rock Opening Weekend
Up Next Bike

GT and Whistler Rock Opening Weekend

GT and Whistler Rock Opening Weekend

Whistler: mecca for mountain bike park riding since the 90s. What has happened, and happens here now, ripples throughout the DH and freeride worlds. Crankworx and Whipoff began here. The park’s trail names: A-line, dirt merchant and top of the world are internationally recognized—some even have their own merchandise lines.  Young talent like Finn Isles and Bernardo Cruz made names for themselves here. On any given weekend, chairlift rides with a McCaul, Van Steenbergen or IFHT films