Swashbuckling river pirate Kailyn Wright shows off her Advanced Bullshitting Certification. Sam Morse photo.
MOUNTAIN TOWN, USA — Saying she’s ready to “seriously f**k with some customers this summer,” pro river guide Kailyn Wright, 28, earned her Advanced Level 9 Bullshitting Certification on Friday.
The issuing authority, the Guild of Deceptive Guides (GADG), said Wright is one of a very small number to attain the elite distinction, which confers advanced techniques for messing with customers who are largely ignorant to anything that doesn’t take place on their phone, in their living room or car.
“Whoever invented the saying ‘there are no stupid questions,’ ” Wright told TGR, “they weren't a river guide. Sometimes people ask you a question, and the only way to not offend them is to BS your way out of giving them the straight answer. I’m doing this for the customers’ sake dammit!”
According to summer recreation watchdogs, the practice of lying to rafting customers has grown exponentially since the 1980s. All told, more than 89% of fledgling river guides tell blatant lies to customers in order to avoid exposing them as completely out of touch with reality in front of their family or social peer group.
Nothing will happen if the raft goes off the tracks, because there are no tracks.
“It’s good for the industry,” said GADG President and ex-dirtbag Henry Cummings. “Sure, rafting involves brief moments of wet-and-wild fun, but 95% of most runs are boring as fuck! I mean, how many times can you say, 'No, we're not going in a circle! There is no elevation where deer turn into elk, and nothing will happen if the raft goes off the tracks, because there are no tracks — this is not an amusement park.”
In a strange turn of events, as of press time, Wright abandoned a crew of wealthy texans just above a class IV rapid after being asked the river's depth for the 57th-consecutive time in a 4-hour period.
From The Column: The Bumion
MTN. PASS, USA — Saying she didn’t mean to piss off the locals and incite a torch-wielding mob, 27-year-old snowboarder Wendy Ellis defended her actions Friday after bootpacking up a well-defined backcountry skin track to get fresh turns. According to local skiers, Ellis “totally fucked up the track,” and caused numerous powder hounds to look like gapers as they slid backwards due to their skin’s lack of purchase on the defiled surface. RELATED: Tired Snowboarder Stiff-Armed Off Bootpack By
JACKSON, Wyo. — Saying he’s done wasting time and is ready to devote his entire winter season to ripping pow, 4-year-old toddler dirtbag Caden Henry officially dropped out of preschool Monday so he could move to Jackson Hole and finally have the winter of a lifetime he's been waiting a whole year since learning to ski to enjoy. Instead of spending the winter coloring, learning the ABC’s and counting to 10, the grom plans to chase storms around the Tetons while living out of his retrofitted
It’s no secret that creation and adventure are intricately linked. Some of the most celebrated artists throughout history have used their experiences in the natural world to guide their work, and similarly, many of the most celebrated action-sport athletes of our time are also consummate artists that seek out adventure to seed their creativity and set a road map to the sublime. One such artist, 33-year-old Bellingham-based Gretchen Leggitt, has taken her love of wild places and over