Patrol cat Sylvester Longshanx looks on menacingly as his cuter teammate get all the attention. Steamboat Instagram/Commons photos.
MTN. TOWN, USA — Saying he's not really a dick — just misunderstood — a feisty patrol puss confessed to TGR on Friday that he's had a tough time breaking into the dog-dominated ski patrol world.
In an exclusive, hard-hitting interview, 6-year-old patrol cat Sylvester Longshanx admitted that it's been an uphill battle earning the respect of his fellow rescue animals, often leading to long bouts of depression wallowing in his litter box.
Anonymous sources within the patrol team confirmed to TGR that cat/dog relations deteriorated during the 2017-2018 ski season after Longshanx bailed on a number of avalanche rescues to chase animals, lick his own butt — and even just stare judgmentally.
"They just don't get me," Longshanx told TGR while nursing a tin of extra-stanky tuna. "I know I get distracted easily, and there were a few times I bailed on rescues to chase refracting light, but can't they see I'm trying?"
The cat's K-9 colleagues mostly declined to comment on the strained working relationship, but patrol pup and perennial good boy, Buddy Friendluv, described Longshanx as "distant, aloof, unfriendly and mean."
I know I get distracted easily, and there were a few times I bailed on rescues to chase refracting light, but fuck, can't they see I'm trying?
"Every time I try to smell his butt or lick his face, I get claw-slapped," Buddy recounted, terror echoing deep in his deep puppy dog eyes. "I just want him to like me, but he always hurts my feelings..."
As of press time, reports indicated that Longshanx has been invited back to work patrol next season, but insiders confirm that senior retrievers plan to keep him on a tight leash.
From The Column: The Bumion
RENO, Nev. — The fight against Mad Pow Disease entered a new and terrifying phase Thursday, when the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) issued public health warnings to most western states, as well as ordering a full quarantine of the Tahoe Basin, which is currently fighting a large-scale outbreak. Responding to the Mad Pow quarantine, marooned Tahoe residents overwhelmed local convenience stores, buying up snorkels, beer and beacon batteries. Tahoe's black market index reported a 1,000%
This morning, Patagonia announced it is donating $10 million to groups defending clean air and water, responsible land use, and the regenerative organic agriculture movement. Rose Mercario, CEO of Patagonia, says "Based on last year’s irresponsible tax cut, Patagonia will owe less in taxes this year—$10 million less, in fact. Instead of putting the money back into our business, we’re responding by putting $10 million back into the planet. Our home planet needs it more than we do."
On Saturday, December 1, at 9:55 a.m., sixteen people were skiing and snowboarding on the southern end of Expert Chutes, an inbounds zone at Jackson Hole Mountain Resort, when an avalanche broke above them. In a matter of seconds the 150-foot wide slab with a 2-foot crown barreled down the slope, burying five skiers below. Without hesitation, onlookers immediately sprung into action and the ski patrol responded swiftly. Thanks to the cooperation and preparedness of the community and the