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winter forecast |winter |weather outlook |the bumion |tgr satire |tgr news |snowboard |ski town satire |ski |noaa |climate models
Get Low! The official NOAA U.S. outlook for the 2016/17 Winter season was exhaustively formulated during a late-night binge of Jenga and bourbon. Creative Commons graphic.
WASHINGTON, DC — Skiers and riders rejoiced Thursday when the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration released their definitive snow outlook for the 2016/17 winter season.
Breaking with NOAA tradition, the long-awaited report skipped the usual formalities of barometric charts and historical statistics, and instead issued a 1-paragraph press release filled with vague generalities.
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The abridged report came after a tiring multi-month process of vetting data, but in the end, NOAA's soothsayers took too many pow days during the research period, so they gave up and scribbled the U.S. Winter Outlook on a dirty cocktail napkin while nursing bloodies and drooling over atmospheric Coriolis effect porn.
Chief NOAA snow forecaster Doug Warren told TGR that after reviewing extensive global climate measurements covering everything from arctic oscillation patterns to Madden-Julien scales, he and his team couldn’t tell what was going to happen, and as he put it, didn't give a shit.
Nobody believes in climate science anymore, so this year, I'm going with my gut.
“We’re not really sure what the fuck is going to happen,” Warren said during a Skype interview. “Most of the time we’re wrong anyway. Nobody believes in climate science anymore, so this year, I'm going with my gut.”
Extremely unscientific highlights from the NOAA report include:
• Climate-change-induced valley rain will make you hit the bottle. Hard.
• Shitloads of snow will fall somewhere in the Rockies
• Temps will fluctuate with elevation
• Drought to continue in SoCal
• New England to be cold-as-fuck
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About The Author
stash member Sam Morse
TGR Editor-at-Large. author of The Ski Town Fairytale and creative behind The Bumion. Lover of steep-and-deep lines, long trails—and hot springs waiting in the distance.