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Manchild Dumps G’friend – Spoons New Snowboard

Adams shares a tender moment with his new squeeze. Lily Krass photo.

MTN. TOWN, USA — A ski-town relationship fell into estrangement Thursday when a local manchild received a new SnoPlank in the mail and, according to his now-ex, "became distant, aloof — and weird-as-fuck."

"Ever since he got that board, he just hasn't seemed interested in me," jilted ex-lover Emmy Swainson told TGR while nursing a pint of Broken Heart Ale. "After I caught him trying on new outerwear behind my back in the bathroom, I should have known..."

RELATED: Does The Size of My Boyfriend's Skis Matter?

Friends of 32-going-on-16-year-old Samuel Adams confirmed to TGR that the relationship had been healthy, but that once he received the SnoPlank SquashFish in the mail, the fire that had once existed was quickly replaced by the warm, freshly pressed bamboo and the lustful daydreams of bottomless pow turns. 

"I love its curves," Adams wistfully told TGR while discussing the SnoPlank. "We're going to take it slow, maybe jump on a groomer before getting too deep. But the truth is, I can't wait to mount it — that moment when two become one — it's magical."

We're going to take it slow, maybe jump on a groomer before getting too deep.

As of press time, Swainson had moved on and was rumored to be dating Adams' best friend's cousin who — upon getting the chance — moved in with his two dogs and smelly retinue of East coast couch-surfing buddies. 

But according to Adams, things are still amicable with his ex, and he's excited to move forward and soon consummate the bond with his new SnoPlank.  

"Sometimes," Adams said while lovingly caressing the new board, "it's just easier to relate to an inanimate object than an actual human."

From The Column: The Bumion

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