Adams shares a tender moment with his new squeeze. Lily Krass photo.
MTN. TOWN, USA — A ski-town relationship fell into estrangement Thursday when a local manchild received a new SnoPlank in the mail and, according to his now-ex, "became distant, aloof — and weird-as-fuck."
"Ever since he got that board, he just hasn't seemed interested in me," jilted ex-lover Emmy Swainson told TGR while nursing a pint of Broken Heart Ale. "After I caught him trying on new outerwear behind my back in the bathroom, I should have known..."
Friends of 32-going-on-16-year-old Samuel Adams confirmed to TGR that the relationship had been healthy, but that once he received the SnoPlank SquashFish in the mail, the fire that had once existed was quickly replaced by the warm, freshly pressed bamboo and the lustful daydreams of bottomless pow turns.
"I love its curves," Adams wistfully told TGR while discussing the SnoPlank. "We're going to take it slow, maybe jump on a groomer before getting too deep. But the truth is, I can't wait to mount it — that moment when two become one — it's magical."
We're going to take it slow, maybe jump on a groomer before getting too deep.
As of press time, Swainson had moved on and was rumored to be dating Adams' best friend's cousin who — upon getting the chance — moved in with his two dogs and smelly retinue of East coast couch-surfing buddies.
But according to Adams, things are still amicable with his ex, and he's excited to move forward and soon consummate the bond with his new SnoPlank.
"Sometimes," Adams said while lovingly caressing the new board, "it's just easier to relate to an inanimate object than an actual human."
From The Column: The Bumion
SALT LAKE CITY, UTAH - President Trump has announced that he will dramatically scale back both Bears Ears and Grand Staircase-Escalante National Monuments, both of which were designated under the 1906 Antiquities Act by President Obama. This move will be the largest reduction of the protection of public lands in U.S. history. It will shrink Bears Ears by more than 1.1 million acres and Grand Staircase-Escalante by more than 800,000 acres. Trump's decision will shrink Bears Ears and Grand
A few weeks ago, I spent several days exploring an area of southern Utah I thought I was already intimately familiar with: Bears Ears National Monument. Patagonia had invited several members of the outdoor community to see for themselves what stood at risk in this absurdly beautiful part of the world. We rock climbed in Indian Creek, we rode mountain bikes in Lockhart Basin, we visited Native American cultural sites all over, but most of all, we learned that those activities stand to be lost
President Trump announced on Monday that Bears Ears and Grand Staircase-Escalante National Monuments would be reduced by a total of 2 million acres, with control of that land going back to the state of Utah, which could then potentially sell or lease it to the highest bidder. Conservationists, Native Americans, and much of the outdoor industry lost their collective minds, with Patagonia going so far as to change their homepage to an all black background with a grim announcement,