Sam Rooney sobs after ex-girlfriend, Monica, takes custody of Piper the dog and his (no longer) 14-foot raft. Sam Morse photo.
MOUNTAIN TOWN, USA — A part-time lift mechanic lost a high-stakes ski town custody battle Thursday when a judge ordered him to yield custody of his 14-foot raft and his adorable Swiss Mountain dog, Piper.
As part of the ruling, river rat Sam Rooney, 29, was ordered to surrender the boat and beast to ex-girlfriend Monica Lily, 27, by the end of the month. Despite getting the dog together, Lily was granted full custody of Piper, while Rooney was ordered to pay monthly puppy support.
According to close friends of the estranged couple, Rooney and Lily were “hot and heavy” for just over four months, which on the dirtbag relationship metric scale (DRMS) equates to about 3 1/2 years in normal communities where adults act like adults.
Witnesses at the trial described a passionate and emotional defense that saw an overcome Rooney begging the jury not to take his dog and boat away.
“At least not during high water!” he sobbed passionately to the unsympathetic jury.
The ill-fated bro is reported to be working four jobs and over 16 hours a day to pay doggy support.
In his defense, Rooney’s legal team cited long back rubs and that their client had provided Lily with a National Park pass and a sick Jetboil camp stove as reasons he was actually supporting a more equitable relationship.
In a written statement to The Bumion, Lily conveyed regret, but also mentioned that she’s been making great use of the 14-foot-raft with her new/old boyfriend, Chad, who she was incidentally dating immediately before Rooney.
“Having Sam’s raft has really brought me and Chad back together,” her statement reads. “We get on the river almost every evening and bring Piper along most of the time — she barely misses Sam at all.”
Rooney’s legal team plans to appeal and fight for joint custody of Piper, but as of press time, the ill-fated bro is reported to be working four jobs and over 16 hours a day to pay doggy support, and get a new inflatable "hopefully by next summer."
From The Column: The Bumion
SINGAPORE — After tense, multilateral negotiations, U.S. President Donald Trump and North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un reached an historic agreement Monday to go halfsies on an Epic Pass for the 2018/19 ski season. The landmark agreement followed days of complex negotiations where both sides dug in their heels over a wide range of issues. Reports indicate the main point of contention revolved around whether to go with the full Epic Pass or to just go with one of the cheaper, local offerings.
— D.L. Three years into my quest to find a copy of Dolores LaChapelle’s , I was finally on the cusp of unearthing the elusive tome. My search had led me to Powell’s Books, in Portland, Oregon, and as I closed in on my quarry, I felt the weight of a multi-year journey begin to lift. Out of print since 1993, was — and is — hard to find, and over the years the volume has gained legendary status as one of the best philosophical/academic examinations of powder skiing ever written. Today,
We're solidly into the summer months. What little skiing is left is (mostly) subpar, but that's okay! You have the next few months to dedicate to other pastimes like getting a tan, shaving regularly wearing less than three layers of clothing and regularly feeling your extremities. So in honor of the snowpack going the way of the dinosaur, here's a practical guide–from one bum to another–on how to kill all that free time you'll have now that your every waking moment isn't dedicated to gliding