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wikileaks |the bumion |tgr satire |tgr news |snowboaring |skiing |ski industry |mountain town culture |moguls |mogul skiing
The explosive leak implicated a large number of famous ski areas across North America and Europe. Google Earth photo.
Ski Town, USA — Marketing consultants and ski resort PR teams went into overdrive Friday morning to mitigate the fallout generated by revelations that shed light on the ski industry’s dark underbelly. The documents, published by Wikileaks, shattered the age-old myth that moguls are naturally-occurring features created by downhill skiers and riders, indicating that the man-made features are secretly moved deep underground or otherwise obscured during the summer months to keep the truth of their existence unknown.
Wikileaks founder Julian Assange confirmed to TGR the authenticity of the leaked documents, although he was not at liberty to name the ski industry insider who provided the reports for fear of reprisals. Assange, a longtime skier and snow sports enthusiast, claimed he’s been suspicious of moguls since childhood.
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“All along, I’ve suspected something wasn’t right,” he told TGR during a Skype call from the Venezuelan Embassy in London, where he’s been serving house arrest for the last three years. “But it wasn’t until I switched to snowboarding that I realized something more insidious was going on—moguls just suck too much and ruin too many powder pitches to be real!”
Moguls just suck too much and ruin too many powder pitches to be real!
The leaked reports allege that moguls were originally installed by the ski industry in the 1980's to deter the rapid expansion of snowboarding onto otherwise skier-dominated slopes. As history would indicate, the plan ultimately failed to stave the popularity of the new sport, but after spending hundreds of billions of dollars on the extensive mogul infrastructure, many large ski corporations declined to remove them.
“The allegations presented in these documents are patently false,” Fail Resorts’ PR chief Doug Daniels told TGR in a written statement. “Here at Fail Resorts, we attempt to provide the 'Adventure of a Lifetime©' to our guests, and our portfolio of resorts sometimes acquired through hostile takeover maximizes our ability to do just that."
"Fail Resorts in no way deceives the public regarding its’ ski area operations," the statement continued. "All terrain is naturally occurring [refer to fine print] and is subject to change on a year-to-year basis.”
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About The Author
stash member Sam Morse
TGR Editor-at-Large. author of The Ski Town Fairytale and creative behind The Bumion. Lover of steep-and-deep lines, long trails—and hot springs waiting in the distance.