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Farmer’s Almanac Gives Up – Bullshits Winter Forecast

The mildly inappropriate winter forecast caught many ski bums by surprise. Commons Mashup graphic. 

MTN. TOWN, USA — The ski and snowboard community was totally unsurprised Friday to learn that the 225-year-old Farmer’s Almanac has been making up their weather forecasts since the publication’s founding in 1792.



Recently unearthed records show that the Almanac’s highly unscientific (and often 100 percent wrong) forecasting has never been about farming, but in fact started in the early 1800s as a whisky drinking game between pow-hungry pioneers.

RELATED: NOAA Predicts 'Shitloads' of Snow for Winter 16/17

According to a Farmer’s Almanac employee who spoke to TGR on the condition of anonymity, the centuries-old sandbagging continues into the present day, with the “meteorologists” still pulling their winter forecasts straight out of their asses — breaking the hopes and dreams of countless ski bums in the process.



“Last year, we just threw darts at a board,” the Almanac employee told TGR. “The winter before, we hit up Miss Cleo and consulted an 8-ball. But honestly, this year, we got super lazy and … I was actually pretty hungover when we put it together, so it may be a little edgier than past forecasts.”

Last year, we hit up Miss Cleo and consulted an 8-ball.

The recently released 2018 forecast caught some ski bums by surprise with its vulgar language and apparent lack of scientific research, calling for the Northern Rockies to be “SNOWY AF,” the Northwest to expect “SOUL-CRUSHING RAIN,” and the Northeast to be "COLD, SHITTY." 



But the greatest blow to morale came when the Almanac's team declined to even make a prediction for the Great Lakes region, with the publication’s forecasting team issuing a statement asking “why even bother?”

From The Column: The Bumion

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