Sign In:

×

Last Step!

Please enter your public display name and a secure password.

Plan to post in the forums? Change your default forum handle here!

×
×

Farmer’s Almanac Gives Up – Bullshits Winter Forecast

The mildly inappropriate winter forecast caught many ski bums by surprise. Commons Mashup graphic. 

MTN. TOWN, USA — The ski and snowboard community was totally unsurprised Friday to learn that the 225-year-old Farmer’s Almanac has been making up their weather forecasts since the publication’s founding in 1792.



Recently unearthed records show that the Almanac’s highly unscientific (and often 100 percent wrong) forecasting has never been about farming, but in fact started in the early 1800s as a whisky drinking game between pow-hungry pioneers.

RELATED: NOAA Predicts 'Shitloads' of Snow for Winter 16/17

According to a Farmer’s Almanac employee who spoke to TGR on the condition of anonymity, the centuries-old sandbagging continues into the present day, with the “meteorologists” still pulling their winter forecasts straight out of their asses — breaking the hopes and dreams of countless ski bums in the process.



“Last year, we just threw darts at a board,” the Almanac employee told TGR. “The winter before, we hit up Miss Cleo and consulted an 8-ball. But honestly, this year, we got super lazy and … I was actually pretty hungover when we put it together, so it may be a little edgier than past forecasts.”

Last year, we hit up Miss Cleo and consulted an 8-ball.

The recently released 2018 forecast caught some ski bums by surprise with its vulgar language and apparent lack of scientific research, calling for the Northern Rockies to be “SNOWY AF,” the Northwest to expect “SOUL-CRUSHING RAIN,” and the Northeast to be "COLD, SHITTY." 



But the greatest blow to morale came when the Almanac's team declined to even make a prediction for the Great Lakes region, with the publication’s forecasting team issuing a statement asking “why even bother?”

From The Column: The Bumion

Play
READ THE STORY
The Army’s Most Famous Band of Skiing Soldiers
Up Next Culture

The Army’s Most Famous Band of Skiing Soldiers

The Army’s Most Famous Band of Skiing Soldiers

The ski troops of the 10th Mountain Division endured incredibly brutal combat in World War II, battling frostbite and hostile alpine environments during their short but violent campaign against German forces in Italy’s Apennine Mountains. Casualties in the winter of 1945 were staggering, but when the ski troops returned home they poured their heart and soul into the newly-evolving ski industry, opening ski resorts, managing ski schools and influencing innovation. Unlike most of Europe, prior

Play
READ THE STORY
Playgrounds: Ski The Wasatch Like the Collinsons
Up Next Ski

Playgrounds: Ski The Wasatch Like the Collinsons

Playgrounds: Ski The Wasatch Like the Collinsons

With over one million people in the Salt Lake City metropolitan area, the surrounding mountains aren’t exactly a well-kept secret. But if you’re looking for variety, easy access, and challenging terrain, the Wasatch is hard to beat. Alta, Snowbird, Brighton, Solitude, Park City, Canyons, and Deer Valley are all under an hour from Salt Lake City. Up your commute by 30 minutes and you can add Sundance, Snowbasin, and Powder Mountain to the mix.  Towering peaks in the backcountry and steep,

Play
READ THE STORY
Jeremy Jones’ Journal: Day Three in the High Sierra
Up Next Snowboard

Jeremy Jones’ Journal: Day Three in the High Sierra

Jeremy Jones’ Journal: Day Three in the High Sierra

tetongravity.com/odetomuir“In every walk with nature, one receives far more than he seeks.” - John Muir Day three: The barrier is broken and I am officially off belay walking through mountains I have never seen before. My house is 147 miles away and everything I need for 9 days is on my back. Stripped down to the bare essentials; food, shelter, crampons, snowboard. This particular valley is the tightest I have seen. Even if you tried to look in to it, you couldn’t –have tried